BPDFamily.com

My BPD male friend has been telling me for some time that his marriage is on the rocks. I have been using the validating techniques described here.

A few days ago he rang me in tears saying his wife had left him - this followed on from an earlier time he had said this - but he had not been upset like this. I offered to go over, but he wanted to be alone.

I have checked in via SMS a few times and got another call where he was in tears again and driving aimlessly. I am certain that she has left this time.

My issue is this - my instinct is to offer to go over and talk when I get these calls - he then says 'he'd rather be alone' - I then get messages where he is clearly out and getting drunk. So he is not in fact sitting at home alone as he claims he is.

In the past he has told me that I  am the only friend who knows a particular secret - and then I find out that a number of other people know the same information.

I feel like he values the friendship, but is using me as one of many crutches and controls the nature of any interactions. Kind of like making sure I am still dangling there when needed. He will also ask what plans I have - as if about to make some plans, then if I say 'nothing planned' - he leaves it there - like he is checking to make sure I am not out socialising etc... .This is truly weird stuff and it is really starting to get to me.

I recognise that my own co-dependency issues are making me want to rescue things, however - I also think it is the sign of a good friend that they offer support during difficult times. Should I continue to send supportive messages or just back off now?

Are you good friends?

I had a friend like this. He was much younger than me, in his late teens. Probably BPD. I would hear these convuluted painful tales and he would wind himself up, usually before I heard from him.

I remember one day about a year ago, he was on skype, and he asked to video chat. So he called me and in front of me, he injured himself. That felt really really bad to me.  I encouraged him to talk to a mutual friend of ours and I followed up by talking to that friend myself. This mutual friend indicated that this was a common behavior, etc.

What I took from that was I had a boundry of not feeding into it by staying and being an audience to it.

What are your boundries about this? Remember your boundries are to protect you. You say you are maybe co-dependent. This guy is stressing you out and transerrfing his upset to you, then going out and partying. How do you feel about that?

And I am, sorry, not exactly clear on the importance of this relationship/friendship to you. Would you tell us more about who this person is to you so we can get a better idea of where you are coming from?

I'm sorry - yesterday was an emotional roller coaster for me. This is a very good friend - more like a brother I suppose. I am struggling right now as I have imposed a boundary in response to what happened yesterday and I am now wondering if it was too harsh.

Essentially, I received a message out of the blue that implied self harm was possibly about to happen - the message also told me not to make any contact as it would be ignored. My initial reaction was to phone (no answer) - send a message (validating how awful it must be to feel that way) - no answer - and then drive to his home (not there). We had arranged earlier to meet yesterday afternoon so I turned up as planned (no show).

I received a message in the middle of the night as if nothing had happened. I responded this morning saying that I was glad to receive the contact, however getting the earlier message and then being left to wonder what had happened left me feeling upset and so I would be taking time to myself and would not be in contact/responding to contact until Friday.

I'm finding it hard to name this boundary - other than that being placed into a position where I am forced to worry and then it is 'business as usual' is not acceptable to me. I received an immediate apology - but have not responded as stated.

This is the first time I have witnessed the intensity of a dysregulation episode and I know it is related to his recent separation. I feel like I am sticking the knife in while he is down - but I really also think that if I didn't state my case - any respect for me would be lost.

Sorry - this has been long. I guess I am looking for some validation myself - I really want to stick at this friendship - but am thinking that unless I set and reinforce boundaries - it is doomed.

Please offer me your comments/criticism - I am really trying.

You have to keep that boundry. You are right, if you don't, you won't be respected. Your friend knows exactly why you are NC for now.

On a variety of levels I would be feeling very let down if I were you and quite anxious about what is really going on here. Someone this important to you and this close would know how concerned you would be and that you want to help.

Push pull: I am going to hurt myself... . don't even try to find me, disappearance followed by acting like nothing happened?

It's absolutely right to self care and to enforce your boundry. If your friend really wanted your help because he was about to hurt himself, he would have been receptive to you coming to help him.

Everytime he does this, enforce your boundry with NC. He will soon realize if he plays it this way, you cannot be there for him. I am going to predict if he keeps it up, he will find other people to act out against instead of you. And while that is bad for them, it is going to save a lot of wear and tear on you.

Enforce your boundries. It's ok to do that. 

Come back and post results or if you need more support :)

You're in love with him, right? That seems to be the only explanation for your feeling so involved and his ability to play cat-and-mouse games with you. Perhaps he is a gay man who married a woman in an effort to camouflage his real orientation. Then you came into his orbit, and you presented a bridge for escape because you don't face the issue directly either.

Ultimately, you may have to tell him of your feelings and allow him to accept your love or turn down your offer. The best-case scenario is that he is also interested in exploring a relationship with you once he takes action to end his marriage. On the other hand, he may say no. The rejection would hurt, but it would curtail the suffering of this cat-and-mouse game.

When you do express your feelings to him, I would avoid calling him "more than a brother." That's incest! There's nothing wrong with being gay, but incest is a big no-no.

Hi again

Thanks for the support and comments.

No - I am not in love, I do have an issue with co-dependency and that has meant that I do not trust people easily or get close enough to call people good friends. I was advised to post in this page, even though it is more oriented to people in romantic relationships.

Having no knowledge of BPD until trying to work out what was going on, I probably fell into the trap of believing the idealisation phase. I don't want to re-live that (even if it were possible) - but I have learned enough about his past (that could be confirmed) to know that he has had a lot of adversity during his lifetime. I suppose I may still be caught in the illusion of thinking I can be a reliable friend who doesn't end up abandoning the friendship. I know that may be naive - but it is worth a try.

I sincerely hope that he and his wife (who I also know well) reconcile - as the behaviours were there, but not as unpredictable when they were together. I am also a perfectionist and probably can't handle the thought of failure.

Again, I can't thank you enough for being willing to be so candid, as that makes me look deeper into myself - I would NEVER have set or reinforced a boundary in this way - even 3 months ago. The comments and support here have changed me.

Dunno what will happen with his wife--she has almost certainly been subject to a worse version of his BPD symptoms than you have, being closer to him. But she has been on this roller coaster a long time; I'm sure she has her own reasons for staying on it.

Meanwhile, he seems to be showing that he can escalate bad behavior and yank you around with this message implying self-harm, and you will try to call/message him.

Have you read the workshop on self-injury?

And for now... . what sort of boundaries are you thinking of setting/enforcing?

He is in the the wildly fluctuating intensity of victim needing a rescuer mode. But when in the extreme victim phase it puts you in extreme rescue role. This is handing too much control to you, which he fears and pulls away again, only to keep oscillating this way. So you, not having a clear sense of who you are and your role in this, waver.

You must not mirror back to him the image he is giving you, he is unstable at the moment and that is what you will mirror back if you try to fit around him. That will just make him feel worse even if it is just well intentioned empathy.

He has no stability in himself so he needs to see that in you, otherwise he has no example to aim for. The T part of the SET method is important now, even if it may sound harsh at this moment.

What do you feel is the right thing to do rather than trying to work out what he wants?

Do not fall into the trap of trying to validate yourself by proving to be the "perfect" friend by being there for him during dramas whilst no one else has been.

Have you ever said to him "I'm not like everyone else, I wont let you down"? If so you may be trying to prove something to yourself,  could it be more about you than him?

This is the reason posters are asking if there is a romantic link here, as there appears to be an overriding desire for enmeshment, that is preventing the objective "reality check' that good friends are normally capable of.

Yes - waverider - I saw early on that I have an emotional investment in this too - from the validation point of view.

The truth is that I enjoy spending time with him and do really feel sad about what has happened. How would you suggest I reinstate contact tomorrow? I have received a message this morning with a large emotional hook attached - I will not respond until tomorrow.

My instinct is to send a general 'how are you doing message' - to show that I have not abandoned the friendship and am reliably sticking to the timeframe that was set. Do I offer to 'catch up' or leave that alone?

Thanks for the advice.

That will do fine. He is a better judge when the time is right for a catch up.

A word to the wise - understand the difference between BPD and anti-social personality disorder before leaving a troubled friendship. At least you will be prepared for the onslaught - without any apparent conscience on the part of the other person.

Whats happened Aussie?

There are a lot of PD's out there, including combinations of each.

Lack of conscience on a break up can be quite shocking, when all reasonableness goes out the window.

Assumption can be the mother of all stuff ups

Well - I am now 12 months post deciding to walk away from the situation and just wanted to close off this topic. As you all know I was caught up in trying to help a friend with BPD/Sociopathic behaviours as I felt obligated due to his stories of terminal illness etc... .

Things came to a head when I was overseas and started getting messages - needy and then accusatory. I realised that this was a friend who was not willing to attempt any self-reflection or change. I also learned about five extra-marital affairs and his collecting naked pictures of his conquests and then showing them to anyone who would look. That was the deal breaker and I went non-contact.

For 2 months I got all kinds of messages - direct and via other mutual friends but I remained non-contact. Since then I have made deliberate efforts to meet new people and a whole new circle of friends has opened up without any of the drama and emotional drain. I could not have made a better decision.

I know that some of you will see this as a betrayal - but I realised that my decision to stick by that friend was driven by egocentrism rather than genuine compassion. Looking deeper inside myself, recognising that I had moral boundaries I would not compromise and the determination to step away was a difficult but empowering experience.

I admire those of you who have stayed - but I now follow my gut instinct. I have met another person who wanted to be my 'best friend' in 3 hours - needless to say - I have not made contact since.

Good luck to you all.

No one here will regard this as betrayal. If anything previously you were betraying your own values. You are in a healthier place, you have redefined them and are more centered, that is the end game.

Believe it or not, this is one of the goals of the Staying board to learn reality from the inside so that you can then make educated choices. it is not about clinging on to the mast as the ship goes down.

I don't see this as betrayal either. It looks to me like you are taking care of yourself and that through your own personal growth you arrived at this decision.