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I'm so muddled up right now.   In my attempt to work on being a better communicator and partner to my UBPDh, I am reading a lot about being a compassionate listener.  The goal is to truly, deeply listen to what your partner is saying, so they don't feel so alone, which is supposed to help relieve their suffering. 

I wish I could put this into practice but when my H wants me to listen (at least for the past month or so), it is only a torrent of the usual blaming and nasty things about me.  Everything wrong in his life is my fault, my career killed him, he wishes he never met me, etc.  Because I have a boundary in which I do not stay around to listen to this blaming routine and will typically leave the room to end the conversation, basically this means I am NEVER listening to what he has to say unless we are making small talk about the kids or a parenting decision (and those can be triggering too). 

And conversely, no matter which tools I use (SET, DEARMAN, depends on the goal of the conversation), he will absolutely not listen to me either.  He just flat out says "I am not interested in talking to you" and will act like I am attacking him if I just request that we have a conversation about how we can stop this cycle and improve how we talk to each other.  He accused me today of being condescending and said again he was not planning to talk to me and reiterated that he wished he'd never met me and that I could divorce him or just "do whatever I want to do".    He sleeps most of the day and at night we sit separately at our computers until I go to bed when the baby wakes up. 

So... . is this it?  Is there anything else that I can do?  How can I be the compassionate and caring person that I want to be when he won't talk to me without verbally attacking me?   I feel like I am just adding fuel to the fire of his raging about how no one listens to him, no one understands his pain, etc., but I certainly don't want to cave on my boundary about being verbally abused.  Is there a next step that doesn't involve switching boards?

Following! I'm in the same boat. We have barely spoke for 2 weeks ... He is waiting for me to ... . Apologize? Beg and plead? Or I'll suddenly come up with the magic words and he will say "that's all you had to say" or "that's all I wanted to hear." Because everything constantly is a test of my love, a test to see if I'm still the magical woman who holds the key to his heart and can assuage his pain (albeit caused by me) ... . when it's not an accusation or complaint about my poor parenting, business management, personal finance management, emotional management ... .

Sending hugs and watching this post eagerly.

Hi PacifistMom,

I read your recent posts and it does seem like we are both stuck in a similar place right now.   

Just one thought though -- I wouldn't recommend trying to find the "magic words" to assuage his feelings. This is bullying behavior, and manipulative.  It took me a while, but I now do not give any apologies for what I know is not my fault.  Validation of their feelings makes more sense, but not when their feelings are expressed as an assault on the would-be validator.  It's a tough spot.

Do not do or say anything that in your soul does not feel like the right thing to do. Also keep in mind that silent treatment is also classified as abuse, and it is not unreasonable to have a boundary around that too. Which may ultimately mean your total removal from the situation.

You are not obliged to be a good listener if they are not wiling to discuss appropriatley