BPDFamily.com

Well its been a long time since I have been on here. Alot has happened in that time. The ex and I did get back together. Shortly after all was said and done, somehow we ended up back together. I think it has something to do with Hurricane Sandy. It was pretty intense, and during that storm I had received an offline message from her on yahoo asking me if I was okay. Next thing I know that I am writing my mom telling all about her and what not. Next thing I know that its not going to work out for me and the ex so I rescind my previous said email to my mom about her and next thing I know that we are working things out. Fast forward to when my mom decides to come home for six months. The ex wasn't thrilled about this news, but took it  in good strides. At this time, I was gainfully employed with a full time job and the significant other and I talked extensively about moving out of NJ.

Fast forward to Jan 13. We had been having numerous problems and what not. She had bought me an irish ring(clauddagh?) that symbolized us being together. I lost it, I didn't do that purposely, but rather than hide behind a lie and tell her that I had it when I didn't. I figured that honesty was the best course of action. She wasn't thrilled and the next thing I know on Jan 13th would be our last conversation when she had mentioned that she would talk to me. She mentioned that she wasn't in the right frame of mind to be in a serious relationship and that she felt as if I was dictating her life for her as far as her education and where we moved to was concerned.

Well, here it is folks. Its now Jan 28th and I feel conflicted about how I feel. On one end, I am glad that the relationship is over, but on another end. I feel empty and lost without her. I have gut feeling that I will be hearing from her again, as she will be losing her therapist soon, and plus with my mom's extended stay about to end in a little over a month. The problem is that of my conflicted feelings. I want to so badly go over to her house and try and talk things out, but I know that I can't. I want to cry, and let my emotions out, but I can't, because I don't know exactly what those emotions are.

I have honestly no one want to talk about my feelings, because with all the erratic behavior that she has displayed towards me. Absolutely none of my friends really like her, as they feel she is just a manipulative (well the word begins with a B), and they just keep telling me that I can do better than her. When we are together, its like a neverending yo yo of happiness. It seems like it could work, but then she has her doubts and we split.

Why am I feeling so conflicted? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I had someone I could talk to about how I am feeling, but like I said before I really don't. I wish that my friends would understand, but at the same token. I am grateful that they don't tolerate her inconsistent behavior.

Someone please help me to understand...

Ming

Hi mgl210,

I'm glad to see you came back here to talk about your feelings of conflict. Conflict is the number one feeling I used to have when I was still with my exBPDbf and there was conflict when I wasn't together with him.

How long were you together before? What bothers you the most about being with her? and What bothers you the most when you're not together?

I hope you get a chance to get you back... . then go from there... .

Hi mgl210

Its so exhausting being on and off! 

I can relate with your wish to talk things out, and in the same time I agree with you not doing it.

Be gentle with you - some emotions needs time to emerge. Or we are to exhausted to go into it.

Do you ever consider working with a therapist?

We are here for you!

Thanks for responding to you both... . I will do my best to answer both of your responses. If I miss something, please forgive me... .

What bothers me most when we are together? Wow I could sincerely write a book about that one alone. I think the primary thing that bothers me the most when I am with her is her complete unwillingness to try and do other more productive things to curb her desire to self harm. I would also say that she is probably one of the laziest people I know. I can remember one time when I had asked her to help me clean my house(keep in mind she was staying with me at the time), and she kept telling me that she would do so. Instead I would come home and find absolutely nothing was done, when I inquired about it, I would be greeted with that it will get done, she just "didn't feel like doing anything" and when I finally speak out about it. I get accused of yelling at her, when she had gotten all defensive about it to begin with. There are just too many things that she does when we are together that irk me.

What bothers me when we aren't together? I miss the fact that she and I used to have great conversations and talk about anything. After all the ups and downs of being together. I noticed that I tended to censor a lot of my feelings and thoughts, because I was sincerely worried about how she would react or if it could start a fight. I hate confrontations with people more than anything. You can sincerely blame my mom for that.Once again, there are too many things to list for that question... If you want the list, I will gladly list them, but I warn you. its a long list on both ends of your question.

Thanks for your support Sabine. It means alot to me. It means more to me than you could ever imagine to know that I am not alone in this ... .

To the moderator: I have thought about going to see a therapist regarding this. Unfortunately, I don't have much trust in them. I went to one when I was younger, but that therapist totally betrayed my trust. I work in the social services field and while I strive hard to let all of the people that come into my life and office that I am there, I still hate the complete and utter hypocrisy behind it all. Its kinda hard to explain... .

Thanks you both for your support. I appreciate it highly... . I really do... .

mgl210,

I'm sorry that you are going through another breakup, that hurts so much.   It is so understandable that you are feeling conflicted, confused, and unable to express your emotions.  I was a wreck when I broke up with pwBPD, didn't even feel like myself anymore.  But now I feel so much better, and so can you.

You know, these relationships can be like addictions, we become bonded through the trauma and pain of both of our pasts.  It will take some time feeling lots of stuff to get yourself back again, but you'll get there, mgl.

It's really normal to think about her and your relationship right now, but if you can, spend some time every day focusing entirely on yourself, or something you are interested in.  You've got to eventually turn back toward yourself and let the fantasy go.  It will get easier. Be gentle with yourself, and keep writing.  We're listening. 

I just want to say thanks again for the support. Its definitely nice knowing that there are others that have or are going through the exact same thing as I am. I wonder how often does this happen when the one that is with the BPD go through the beginnings of a new relationship and then the end again? I can't shake the feelings as if this relationship hasn't fully dissolved as well. i will write more in a bit

m