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Curious as to whether other people on this board get this question from their PWBPD.

My uBPD fiance asks me this literally every time she learns I've had a non-work conversation outside of her earshot.

If I hang out with friends or family, have a phone call with friends or family, or whatever, she asks ":)id hit_ ask about me?"

I know she's seeking validation and affirmation and so on, but it's amazing to me that she isn't the slightest bit self-aware about the behavior. I've never pointed it out to her, but it would seem to be something most people would notice on their own.


Digression:

Probably relatedly, we have reached a point where the majority of our conversations do not extend past her or our relationship. That is, she will essentially ignore most things I say on:  events affecting other people, ideas, politics, sports, music, good memories we/I have, and so on. If she doesn't ignore them, she turns them to be about her/us.

Just as a f'rinstance, I'm diddling around on my guitar over the weekend and play her a new instrumental piece I wrote.

Her: "Are the lyrics about me?"

Me: "There are no lyrics to this one, actually, it's going to be a jazz pieceblahblahblah."

Her: "Oh, you should sing me the songs you've written about me."

That doesn't seem too weird as the occasional fishing, I know, but it's not occasional. It's a constant for our conversations now.

It happens the same to me.

For example, he knew two guys , one married and one in a long term relationship and both of them got dumped.

His first thought was: If these women dumped this man after this long, you are going to dump me too.

If I dont feel like having cereal for breakfast and he does he asks: Are you not eating cereals because of me?

Most of the time... . things dont make any sense.

Oh Lord 

How is it possible that they are so alike even on separate part of the planet, I leave in the Balkans (rather not say which country) so I  cannot believe that we had/have the same idiotic question.

Every single time I was with a friend , co-woker or family member the first thing she would ask me was:

":)id the ask about me"

Even when the people had not actually met her

If I responded "no", all hell broke loose.

I hate my self for being so stupid and ignoring the  red-flag

Haha I must admit that I ask this question a lot, however, only about people who actually know me, and I don't get upset when they didn't ask about me  I am just nosey and gossipy, hence my asking  :)

duuuuuuude. stop telling me my life! he is OBSESSED with other people's opinions of him. He will grill me every time I get a text, call or email. if i go out with friends he has to know what was said, and pushes "is that all you talked about? You didn't mention me?" When we talk about splitting up, he is more concerned it seems with "the spin", what I'll tell people about what happened than losing his kids, his home, his wife and half is fortune. HELLO? I thought it was a crossover NPD behavior, but if ya'll are experiencing that too, then maybe it is a BPD thing.

actually, this makes sense. research shows that the amygdala, the part of the brain that controls self referential thought, is over active in people with BPD. so things that have nothing to do with them, have everything to do with them. for example, my BPDh will try to "read into" things I do, what I post on facebook, the timing of my going to bed, waking up, going out, trying new things etc, as though they are all informed by him and my feelings about him. ie. if I post a song on FB, he will obsess about why THAT song? What are the lyrics? she was sending me a message. Or the same with a quote i post "she is saying that about me/ using that against me/ putting me down in some way" . anything - she posted more than usual today, she must be mad at me/ up to something/ too happy, must be involved with someone else. everything i do refers back to him in his mind.

I get this kind of thing, too. I was asked if I mentioned uBPDh in a discussion, and I said no. He asked why I didn't. At that point, I thought (but didn't say) dude, it wasn't about you.

He can get into the thinking that everything I do is about him. One day, he asked why I was breathing like I was. I just said that I was just breathing. I wonder sometimes if they actually hear what they are saying.

This is funny, because I experience the same thing. If I go to church on Sunday and she doesn't make it, she always says "did anyone ask about me or where I was after the service?" If I say no, she says "I knew it, nobody cares if I come or not." Ugh. 

Oh man, I can totally relate. My uBPDw always likes to be in the habit of asking what I'm doing on my phone when she's around. I don't text any of my family members in the evening because it's one of her triggers (I know, I have to work on boundaries). If I post something onto Facebook, and it's a picture of us, she wants to know how many people like it and who they are. I deactivated my account for a week because of all the constant updates. And yes, she does read into everything.

Same here. What's worse is that she's been watching lots of "reality TV shows". So, as you can imagine, all the drama, fighting, negative thoughts expressed, etc. build plenty of scenarios in her mind of what I must be thinking or truly meaning by my words and actions (or silence and inaction). Those shows have really kicked up a lot of storms for us, I believe.

Yes.  I get this question ALL THE TIME.

And it's a "damned if I do" question.

If I said "yes", he'll ask what did we talk about, and then sometimes go on to say that I shouldn't have mentioned certain things (because I guess it diminishes his image in front of them, or so he thinks).

If I said "no", he'll say I mean so little to him so he doesn't get mentioned. 

Reality TV is not good. period. To someone with BPD is even worse.

Sorry that you have to go trough that 

So true! This is why if I talk to my family period, I try my best not to mention it. She has a way of prying information out of me that she can use to get really PO'ed and start an argument. That can seriously put a damper on an evening or a weekend. 

The last few times I have thought about telling her more, but honestly it's just me trying to Justify my positions, and I have figured out that the less I continue an argument, the better. Just one of the many lessons along the road.  |iiii

For a couple of years, dh was working at least 2 Sundays a month, so he wasn't able to go to church. The people there knew his work schedule, and usually they didn't ask about him because they knew the answer. Well, he thought that meant that they didn't care about him as a part of the church. But on the other hand, if they said something, he would think that they were judging him. Then he decided that they didn't care about me either, which I knew was not the reality since I was in a leadership position. 

Wow, I get that question all the time! To the Non, it just seems RUDE! I'm in the middle of telling him a conversation I had with someone from work who he might have met once, and he cuts me off with that ridiculous question. Then he starts pouting & hmpfing, so I never get to finish what I wanted to tell him. Not that he cares, since it wasn't about him.

In my whole life, I have never even thought to ask someone that question.

Geez. It's setting you up in a lose-lose scenario. Another one I hate is when she makes the case that "no one cares" about me because they don't talk to me as much as the other members of the church, specifically because I'm involved so she thinks everyone has to pay more attention to me. 

Oh wow.  Almost same situation here.  For reasons I can't totally comprehend, we're now attending 2 different churches.  But sometimes we attend each others' church.  I also go to a fellowship group, which he has not been attending for the 1.5 years we have married.  He would expect people to ask about him, which they did initially, but him not showing once even once in this period just basically means he doesn't want to go, right?  Yet he still thinks those people should consider him part of the group, even though most people there don't know him.  It doesn't make sense to me.

Thank you!

Things are hard enough without those shows fueling her insecurities and "mind-reading abilities" she presumes to have.

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

I addressed this issue this past weekend. She was raging at me and told me I never tell her anything about my life or conversations with friends. I told her I try to but she generally tunes me out after asking if my friends have asked about her.

She got mad that I was "so annoyed" by this behavior and said she'd never bother me with it again - but that she does need the validation of other people asking about her.

I instantly regretted bringing it up; I love her so much and hate to see her in pain. It really hurts me to know she's hurting or feeling worthless.