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I took a big step today and deleted every single photo of my xBPDgf.   Over the weekend, I deleted every e-mail and every piece of contact I had with my xBPDgf.  I had a 4-year relationship that cycled many times and, before I found this site a week ago, I "hung on" to all artifacts in hope that we would "solve" our issues and be normal.

I am on this board because I'm done recycling.  For the first time, I am admitting to myself that nothing will make this relationship work.   It was a relief to delete each picture and say "goodbye" every time I hit the "delete" key.

"Rumination" and "brooding" have been problematic for me in the past.  I have conversations with her in my head.   Today, I've been ruminating on what I'd say if she contacts me now [note: she abandoned me, but with the standard hook, "maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life... . " yadda yadda yadda]. 

What I'd like to say is, "You relinquished all rights to knowledge about me and my life when you abandoned our relationship, slammed the door, and gave me the silent treatment."

However, repeating this in my head means I'm still hooked.

So, I've done some research on "repetitive thinking" that I want to share.  Source: www.southampton.ac.uk/mind/pdfs/Edward%20Watkins.pdf (http://www.southampton.ac.uk/mind/pdfs/Edward%20Watkins.pdf)

According to the source, repetitive thinking occurs when there is a discrepancy between the "actual and desired state."  (I clearly wanted the relationship to work, and it did not... . )  Repetitive thinking is the brain's way of dealing with the "discrepancy" -- which can be "good" (adaptive) if it leads to resolution, or "bad" (maladaptive) if it leads to becoming stuck. 

I liked learning that telling yourself to "stop" worrying or ruminating won't work.  And, that "thought stopping" and "distraction" are only "short lived."  The researcher says that repetitive thinking reoccurs until the goal is resolved, and that "letting go of goals or desires" may help reduce repetitive thinking.  [One lesson:  To "attain or abandon goal" will stop rumination... . hence, my objective to stop hoping we'll end up together.]

Of course, because relationships like these are so hard to abandon, another way to address repetitive thoughts is by changing our "process" of thinking about the actual state vs. the desired state.  (Note:  the research says it's very TOUGH to "disengage from negative information and unattained goals... . "

Rumination involves asking, "Why me?" and then evaluating self, and thinking about self, often in abstract, overgeneralizing ways ("I must be bad" if this didn't work).

But, if I'm reading the research correctly, asking "why" doesn't help.  Instead, ask "how."   In real terms, this means we get out of our heads and think about how the actual relationship unfolded, that is -- play the movie of the actual experience.  We then see the patterns and stop blaming ourselves (or even others).   

If I ask, "How did my relationship end?"  I can step back and see how insane it became after the idealization phase.   I start to remember the actual instances of behaviors like:

1. Gaslighting

2. Transference

3. Manipulation

4. Projection

5. Painting black

And, I start to think -- do I really want to hold on to this relationship?   For me, the intellectual answer is "no way."

And I'll keep coming back here until my heart agrees. 

Thanks all.  Day 3 of NC.   









       

Very intresting information LettingGo14, food for thought and the focus on thinking-patterns, such a powerful tool the mind is.

But your last line says it all... .

I never met a person who could give me the tools to guide my heart in the right direction or at least away from my pwBPDex. Does someone knows how to do it?

Congratulations on your big steps and NC! Take good care of yourself and allow grief and joy!

Hi LettingGo14,

I came back to this board in mid December after I finally cut the cord with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  I dealt with the reasons you listed and frankly the emotional abuse had begun to turn physical during the last month.  We recycled three times during the last 15 months of the r/s and there was no going back after the last one. 

Like you, I've ruminated big time and had a few things from the latter part of the r/s really eating me up inside.  I first used a validation type of response to the thoughts saying to myself "I bless and accept this feeling".  Again, a few things were eating me up inside and I was waking up at 4am every morning thinking about them.  So, my T worked with me using "emotional timeline therapy".  I was literally playing things thru in my head as if they had just happened or were happening in the present.  My T worked with me to clearly identify the issues, recreate the scenes or issues in my mind, color them and identify them as solid, gas or liquid, find them around my being (they were always in front of me), reduce them to small black and white snap shots, and then sort them behind me in my past where they belong.  It may sound like a bunch of psycho-babble, but it has actually worked to help my mind lay to rest some of the painful and confusing memories that are coming back to me at times.  While I was hiking and running over the weekend, I stopped and performed the exercise a number of times and my mind didn't go back to the same thoughts.  Again, I didn't run away from the thoughts or feelings but rather validated them and then sorted them back in my past where they belong.

Hey LettingGo, Sounds like progress to me.  Keep it up.  Lucky Jim

I've been thinking about HOW it ended, that's a good point to bring up.

Her take on our reality was too different than mine.

Our trust became untrustworthy.

Our pains overwhelmed us. Staying made it worse.

Like you, LettingGo, my head understands.

My heart still ruminates. That's where I'm still hanging on.

Excellent information.  When I am in more of a calm state I will click the link and read more!  This was exactly the topic I needed to bring up with my T tomorrow.  How in the world do I stop the thinking, replaying, what ifs, and then the whys.  I am also hoping time helps as well... . but I do have a gut feeling more is needed for me.  I get stuck in my mind a lot and stuck in the past.

Thanks so much!  Glad you're here!

So true

The head and heart are not in the same place and that's what makes it a hurdle for me.

Logically I think of all those things Myself has listed.

   The trust became untrustworthy

    The pain overwhelmed us and made it worse

Why just today I spent a short part of my day thinking of what could have been... . my heart obviously not in tune with my logical mind that says. STOP... . what are you thinking... .

The r/s will or wouldn't have ever worked the way it was playing out.

LettingGo.  ... . Sounds like that is a great way to work through those momentary feelings. I am going to try that

I truly believe that  "the only way out is through" and we have to just work through it in any way we can...

Very hard indeed... . I can absolutely relate

Thanks for the article.  It makes a lot of sense to me.  

The ruminations are the hardest part of me.  Conversations over and over, and in part, hoping for an apology, hoping for acknowledgement, hoping for a cure for her.

As a suggestion also look up limerence. The spot between hope and uncertainty that keeps us locked in.  The limerence only stops when we extinguish hope.  

And the hope is malignant.  It kept me locked in for a long time.  And still at times pops up, but it gets better.  But I had to give up hope of the r/s ever being whole.  It was never meant to be.  It was a fantasy created by a very Disordered person and a very confused/lonely person.  

And that's all is was, a fantasy that never had a chance, and never had a basis for anything of substance.  

Any hope that I carry is malignant.  

Extinguish the Malignant Hope.

Feed the Hope of Recovery.



P.S.  Congrats on dumping the stuff.  It's hard, but it helps to quash the limerence.  I also found blocking my ex from my phone, email, and other areas helped.  It eliminated the "what if she's trying to contact me delusion."

Thanks for the comments.

Tausk, thanks.  I just blocked on iPhone, and I created gmail filters to send any emails from her directly to trash (not that I expect any, but it removes all doubt, and I will no longer look).

I also set Outlook filters at work to send any emails to trash.  It has been fun to figure out ways to block it all.   I have not breathed as easily in a long time.

It's funny, I found the limerance sites before this one.  It was helpful, but nothing beats this community.

Thanks to all.

Thank you for posting the link to the article! I just did a search here on Ruminating (because I've been doing it lately) and how to stop it. Low and behold, the answer popped up! Thank you again!

There is a good article on this forum on ruminations that helped me

www.healingwiththemasters.com/?utm_expid=44957447-7.0SrE_CqYTd2kOprrvUshaw.0