BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Just a curiosity thing here... . my exBPDbf resurfaced in December of 2013 after over a year of Silent Treatment. Popped back up on Facebook. Started "following" me. Then when I didn't respond to that - he sent a Friend Request. When he got no response to that... . he blocked me. Like somehow I was the bad person here.

Anyway - I'm wondering why he's now calling my phone and leaving no message. Let me say that I NEVER get "Unknown" or "Private" calls. The first one I ever received was on my birthday last year. That was a significant date to him as he dumped me 2 days prior to my b'day the previous year. He also acted out on FB this past b'day as well.  

Now I have received several in the past couple of weeks. Two the week after his aunt passed away. One the day before Valentine's day. All come up as "Unknown" number.

Is this typical behavior?  Why not just unblock me on FB?  Anyone experience this nonsense?

Thanks as always!

I was in a relationship with my ex 25 years ago, we parted ways, she contacted me about 15 and then 10 years ago, and then found me on Facebook a few years ago, and off to the races we went again, because apparently I hadn't had enough.  I could delude myself into thinking I was her soul mate, the one who got away, but after learning about her and the disorder, I say no.  The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and a borderline hates to let go of any attachment, hurts to their core, regardless of what the reality of the relationship was.  So she was having a bad day or feeling lonely and thought she'd reach out with some attachment bait to see of she could get a nibble.  And I bit.  Hell, I always liked that girl, at least the good parts while I was ignoring the bad ones, in my naivety, and I thought she'd changed.  Nope.

So I say it's the push/pull nature of the disorder, you are a possible attachment and maybe he's looking for one for whatever reason, and the fact that he disappeared for a year is irrelevant in his head, he has current needs that need to be met, simple as that, inside the chaos.  There is probably some lingering shame though, which could explain the Facebook games and the mystery hang-ups.

Anyway, there's me playing amateur shrink again.  Crazy is a matter of perspective, and maybe the best stance is to be amused at his behavior from a detached, indifferent place, like watching a circus clown trip on his feet and faceplant into elephant dung.  Take care of you!

Fromheeltoheal,

I am familiar with your story. Mine is similar in that we had not seen each other in about 26 years. Reunited on FB. Both of us in unhappy marriages. His spouse is twelve years his senior, violent, alcoholic and possibly BPD herself. Yikes !  But they've stayed together going on 26 years now. So something works for them. I personally believe it's because she has nowhere else to go. Can't support herself, has no marketable skills, no one in their respective families wants to deal with her crap - so she stays and clings to him out of pure need. They do not have a sexual relationship. Confirmed by his close friends that it dried up about 13 years ago. But they are each other's "drinking buddy". Something I'm not interested in.

I understand what you're saying about need and shame. What I don't get is why it's so hard for him to simply communicate with me in some way. Prior to the FB blocking from him - he could have sent a simple message saying he was sorry for his treatment of me. I don't want him back - but I would have been okay with casual FB interaction. Instead - I get blocked for not responding to him.

Now the damn phone calls. I know it's him. Using *67 to block the number. Why? To verify that he still has an avenue to me? That my number is still the same? To make sure there is still a "connection"? Just nonsense.

I wonder if in his tarry mind he thinks I'm pi$$ed over the FB blocking? And that if he unblocks me, I'll shut him down and there will be no way to stay connected? I know his life is pretty miserable these days. But it was his choice. So he can live with the consequences.  I don't want another ride on the crazy train. I care for him - but it has to be from a distance.

Yep, to see if there's still a connection, an attachment.  I care about mine too, but the distance has to be so far that I can't see or hear her.  You sparked a memory: everything had to be a game with her, there was never open, honest communication about anything, well almost anything, once in a blue moon she'd get lucid and seem mature, or after a few glasses of wine.  And I know that a detached friendship like Facebook would never be enough, she's want more, and the manipulation would start; part of me wouldn't mind trying to see how detached and indifferent I have become, but a stronger part says what for?  Fortunately it's been almost a year since I got any fishing attempts and may that continue.  Hopefully yours gives up sooner rather than later.

He probably has given up. I have no way of knowing. He does know that something is wrong with him. He has told me in the past - "You do understand that I'm a monster, right? That I'm not a nice guy?".  I blew that off as shame on his part due to his crappy marriage and him taking a lot of the blame for it. Now I know better.

To the outside world folks think he has it made. He lives at the beach (Florida) and has a huge extended family (on her side). Family is very important to him - it insures he will never be alone (in his mind).  However, his biological family is pretty much gone now. Passed away. He just recently lost his aunt (who was only three years older than his spouse) and now that leaves only his mom. And her health is deteriorating.

I am the total polar opposite of his spouse in every way imaginable. That's not ego talking - it's just fact. I am lucky in that I was blessed with good health and physical strength. I take care of myself. I look much younger than my fifty years (good genes!).  I often wonder if he sees his spouse deteriorating and feels the need to keep me on the back burner.  I'm just rambling now. I'm probably painted black and am the Devil in his mind. But who really knows?