BPDFamily.com

I'll try to make this as brief as possible.  My dBPD husband who has gotten several years of DBT therapy just texted me.  He decided a little over a year ago to leave me... AGAIN .  He wanted to seperate.  This is the second time he has left me while we have been married 11 years and before we got married, he broke up with me about 4 times only to keep on returning and of course me "the idiot" still taking him back. Honestly one would ask why I decided to marry him in the first place.  He accepted that he had a problem and committed to DBT therapy for 5years.  A big step to take and I thought that how could I abandon him given that he's taking this huge step? 

We have been in contact over the months to discuss financial things, but he's been avoiding any discussions about the relationship.  Only that he misses me and my family and that he's upset that my brother, who he had a pretty close relationship with, has reacted negatively to this whole situation between us.  What the heck does he think?  Meanwhile, his brothers whom I had a very close relationship with, has not reached out to me once until recently.  Why doesn't anybody understand the "I"M NOT THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO LEAVE!" Why am I the one who's the villan here?  Why am I being punished? It's how it feels!

We were trying to arrange a time for us to get together to discuss financial information as a result of the seperation.

Anyhow this is the content of the text-

DBPDH- Wednesday, would that work?  I have to work late tomorrow and Thursday and think going away for the weekend but not sure.  Do you think your brother would help me with my stock selection and have a drink with me in the next few weeks?  I sold most of my positions that he told me to buy a long time ago.

Me-Wednesday is fine.  I'll speak to my brother and let you know.

DBPDH-U have to ask him never mind I'll do it on my own, appreciate that your would reach out.  I will reserach on my own and not bother him.  Thanks though.

Me-Sounds like you're upset.

DBPDH-No.  I just don't want to bother him if he's upset or if it's going ot be weird.

Me- I understand.

DBPDH-Thanks, I appreciate it though.  Now I understand how L (my sister-in law, my brothers wife) felt a long time ago.

Me- Can you explain and help me understand what you mean by this?

DBPDH-Sorry, it's not fair to text on this.  We can talk on Wednesday about it just the uncomfortableness of seperating and how everybody reacts to it basically.

Me-Thanks for explaining.  See you on Wednesday

I'm pretty upset by this.  I know what he meant by feeling like my sister in law.  She also, in my opinion is uBPD.  My borther and I always had a very tight relationship and she felt like she had to compete for his attention.  Several years have past and she has told me that she doesnt feel like that anymore.  It was her thinking that was distorted. 

Why do people with BPD think they still deserve to be loved and treated with the red carpet rolled out underneath them, after they go and hit on everybody?  Do they think that they can do what they want without consequences to be paid?  Is my brother supposed to say, "OK, I'll help you make good financial decisions even though you broke my sisters heart?"    :'(

Hi heartbroken25

I think you did a great job in the text exchange. No defense or arguing.  |iiii

Your husband got triggered about the fact that you would ask your brother, my guess is that there is fear about a NO from your brothers side. Or even some mistrust, that you would not ask your brother... .

Nothing that you could prevent or control.

I can understand your frustration and anger about this kind text exchange.

Thanks for the compliment Surnia.  I see a DBT therapist so I have some skills.  Not always easy to use them, especially on the spot.

What's interesting is that he brought up "the uncomfortableness of seperating and how everybody reacts to it."  Whose everybody?  I'm guessing he's referring to those who are not happy with his decision to leave.  He did once say, "when these things happen, you see who your true friends are" and then mentioned that he was hurt by my brother.  I even said to him that's my family, what do you expect?  Not only that, even if it wasn't my family, people have the right to feel what they feel.  One may not agree, the feeling may not be a fact, however, it is someone's feeling, valid or not.

DBT is great for everyone. 

My last T was working with it it too.



Some people dislike it when others are not feeling the same like them. This could be here in play too.