BPDFamily.com

Hey

I am new to this board only posted once before. I mostly lurk. I am very committed to the relationship I have even though we do not live together or anything. I am increasingly beginning to feel extremely lonely in my effort to help my boyfriend. He has spiralled again and 'split' dumping me on a whim just now. It is obvious he only gets so angry at me because I am the only one who won't let him give up. He lies to other close friends that try and help  that he is ok but those that really try are basically one other than me. I am fed up with his increasing fear of getting help ( he has stayed on his mood stabilisers but I am starting to believe his batch has ran out and he has missed an appointment). His stubborness is ridiculous. I love him more than I can say but there is now anger at his point blank refusal to get help and as he is a few months from graduating university and i worry that not going to happen without help.

So how can I get him to get help? He has been to counselling over a year ago but although he benefitted from it and told me so himself has been phobic of it in the past year.

How can I get him to see this is not something he can get through isolated and lying to people that try and reach out to him?

what are the 'wrong' things to say in this situation?

I am desperate and tbh I feel increasingly lonely even though I have friends who know they aren't  that helpful.

Thanks

Hi Miss Topaz,

I'm really sorry to hear that your bf split you and dumped you during one of his downward spirals.  That fed up feeling we experience can sometimes be an indicator that we need a healthy break away ourselves from some of the madness.  It can feel like we're turning our back on a helpless soul, when in reality, it's our soul that needs a little tending to... .


I don't know that you can, Miss Topaz.  As hard as it is to sit back, this is his journey in life to figure out on his own.  You can let him know how you feel when faced with some of his behaviors. 


"You need help!"  Or anything that's pointing fingers at his 'flaws'.  It's really not our place to tell other adults that they're a little off, it's best left up to a professional.  We can cause more harm than good, even with the best of intentions.

It's a hard and lonely place to be, Miss Topaz; kinda feels like no man's land, doesn't it?

It's nice that you're in your guy's corner and that you care   Stepping back, might be the kindest gesture you could do for him right now.

How are you taking care of yourself through all of this?

sorry it has taken me so long to reply.

thanks so much for replying.

I went to see him the day after the 'split' cos I hate being all anxious and the effect it has on my mood when I feel 'dumped' so I went to resolve it. I managed to get him to watch some videos on BPD and follow some helpful blogs on depression and BPD and yesteday he finally went to get a repeat prescription but has yet to purchase the meds .

I don't think I do enough for myself anymore. I am aware that I need to though now. I call a helpline every now and then but I wish I had more space to just relax or more people to confide in. I also wish he was more open more regularly to others even if he won't go to counselling so they could monitor him and some of the worry would lift.

I feel for you, Miss Topaz.

Remember that there is no medication for BPD itself. If he is taking a stabilizer, it is for bipolar disorder or some other mood disorder (but I think that bipolar is the only one that requires a stabilizer).

As a personality disorder, BPD does not respond to any medication. It is a question of awareness and coping (mindfulness). Of course, many pwBPD have co-morbidity with a mood disorder.

Good luck and please post more about your situation.

123Phoebe gave you great advice... . I would have said similar things.


|iiii Indeed, you are on the right track here--you can take better care of yourself, and build up your own support network more. Different people find different things more helpful here. I've been very happy with what mindfullness meditation did for me; it isn't as good a fit for others.

We can help you figure out how to respond to him in more productive ways here; Many of the lessons are about that. However getting him to do something is difficult and not very productive.

Hang in there!

 GK

The bolded parts in Grey Kitty's excellent reply are cornerstones to a better life and relationship with your bf.  You are not his therapist.  Sounds like you're in this pretty deep though.  Stepping away from his issues while spending more time building up your life will make a huge difference |iiii  His issues do not have to become your life!


Has your anxiety gone away since seeing him?  Are things resolved?  Are you still worried about him?  Does he take up much if not most of your thinking space?

Our love and worry and anxiety and what we think/feel are helpful for someone else might actually be hindrances.  As hard as it may feel to step way way back, it's in the best interest of everyone involved to do just that.   To simply stop.  And sit with our anxiety.  That is where we find our strength.

It is okay to say, think, ponder... , 'ya know, I can't be in a relationship with someone that refuses to seek real professional help for their emotional problems.  It's affecting me in a negative way'.  That may very well be your boundary.  But to say, 'I know what the problem is, this is what you need to do, here are some websites and blogs to look at, medications to take etc... . because I feel anxious when you dump me', is an entirely different story.  One that doesn't usually have a happy ending.  It's shining a spotlight on them, while we hide behind the curtain.  It doesn't bring us closer to them or what we really desire.

I'm glad you're aware of needing to do more for yourself   :)o you feel ready to try something different?  

Hey thanks for all the replies.Makes me fee less alone in this.

I know being so invested is not healthy hence why I'm looking into how I can get free counselling myself and not just because of this situation. Obviously I am very worried about him, he has had a poor network of support so to alleviate my own worries I am talking to a close friend of his who knows and wants to help so that she keeps an eye on him and supports him more. I am trying to encourage him to open up to others so I can be sure he has other people to lean on (tbh he detests leaning on anyone including me as he feels he is weak for doing so).

He is pretty up and down in recovery... . attempting to get on top of work before crashing and self harming ( for the first time in many months).


The meds are mood stabilisers but the doc recommended them after he suspected Borderline. Both my Boyfriend and I agree they help so I dunno... . perhaps it helps with lifting his mood and helps with the depression side of things


I don't feel 'dumped' anymore I suppose, I feel concerned mostly about him getting on with uni work. I have cultivated a more relaxed attitude to low days that don't seem like a major worry and I now know the 'split's are not real. I want him to get better for him as a friend ( we were friends before) and as a girlfriend and for me as I want to see a more steady improvement that benefits us as a couple and me. He hasn't ever had any DBT etc and has mostly had support for depression  in the form of counselling. But his absence from counselling(unavoidable they are not available outside of term time) has fuelled a fear of it that is frustrating.

I am trying to look at my involvement differently I suppose that's why I'm hoping his support network widens and that mine does too.

I hope I quoted correctly