BPDFamily.com

I have been living with BPD for a long time  -  and usually I can handle the symptoms that my dBPDh thows at me. Today is different.

My dBPDh is out of the house (for once!) and I find myself looking at the holes in the walls, the broken windows, the stains on the carpet from where he threw whatever, and the general chaos of his stuff being piled everywhere and I am sad. I remember when I was proud of our house and how I kept it, remember what it was like to have the money to fix things that were broken, remember what it was like to put things away and not trip over papers and clothes and used coffee mugs ... .

Usually, I can look past all this, remember the past is the past, and can somehow come to grips that this is all part of the disease and thereby feel, if not better, at least, that things are what they are given the hell that is BPD.

I guess I have just come to my own answer  -  today I feel the way I do  -  and now I have to work on the feeling that this, too, shall pass.

Hard sometimes though ... .

DBNC

sending you a big hug. 

I feel your pain and struggle :-(

 

Do something great for yourself in his absence  |iiii

Thank you all for your responses. It is almost odd that sometimes, just sometimes, things just seem to get too big.

It is almost like you know what is up, understand what is happening, but, for some unknown reason, almost mourn what you once thought could have been. It makes no sense to mourn - you know that  -  but still, something takes over and you you do it anyway.

Funny way the brain works  -  in the pwBPD AND us!

DBNC

It doesn't?

Is there some way you can have some physical space of your own that you can keep in order, so that you don't loose sight of how you can really be. Constantly in someone elses mess can be very depressing, no matter how well you understand the reasons why it is so.

You need somewhere you can be who you are.

At the present moment, there is no place. dBPDh lost his job due to the use of street drugs and alcohol so he is here and everywhere in the house always. I have been told not to do for him those things he can do  -  so I don't. That is why the mess and lack of order.

Truthfully, the only time I get to myself, I jump on here  -  sometimes signed in, sometimes not. It lets me know I am not alone in BPD land and gives me hope that maybe someday his DBT therapy will bring some results. (The only reason I am here now is that he once again took off for points unknown.)

30 years of this ... . man, I feel so old.

This is a pain isn't it? I'm the same, you know not to enable by cleaning up after, but if they dont care, it changes nothing except you living in a mess too and feeling miserable. I'm not just taking about a few things out of place here, but literal filth everywhere.

I made a decison that there are somethings I would just take over, and others i won't. A  compromise/pay off I deliberately take chunks of "my time" when I want... This part was rad fought.

The big problem is it starts to feel like a carers job rather than a partnership.

Sending you a big hug and lots of positive energies, DazedButNotConfused.