BPDFamily.com

Does anyone have experience their BPD spouse in Celebrate Recovery?    I admit I am not sure why she is there, although she did admit she was getting over childhood abuse and she did hint at sexual addiction - I never asked.  She is also in therapy separately.

She has been in CR for a year and a half.  For a long while everything was the greatest in the program.   Now she has gone from white to black regarding the program, having many conflicts with individuals in CR.   It seems to me he problems with these individuals stems from her perception that she is not getting the attention she deserves.

This latest issue has consumed her thoughts.   She talks constantly about it.  She has for months now.  I am exhausted.

I am not in the program.   I don't know what to make of this situation, and , as a matter of fact I am not really sure what question I am putting out for a response.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

I know a lot about celebrate recovery as I attend there myself. It is a Christian-based 12 step recovery program for any hurt hangup or habit. I do know of people that attend that have had sexual abuse issues and toxic relationship issues. In the celebrate recovery meetings they openly say that they are not there to fix anyone. And that the group is anonymous unless someone would hurt themselves or someone else. Maybe she has painted them black because someone seeing her and maybe is realizing that she needs professional help maybe?

It is a great program especially the open sharing where you can openly talk and confess about your issues. Being in celebrate recovery and knowing what I know about borderline personality disorder from my experience with my ex-wife and what I have learned on here, if I suspected a member had this disorder and shared it with me in a meeting I would recommend to that person that they get into seeking professional help right away. Maybe this happen to her and she didn't like it?

I agree that Celebrate Recovery is a great program - I hope I didn't make my initial statements sound as if I thought otherwise.   I do think she is splitting , and has been for a while.  It is her pattern with everything and everyone of course.

I never pry into her CR participation and she never discusses specifics or names, with the exception of one individual that has visited our house.   It was difficult to hide that.  That same individual that visited was the one my BPD wife couldn't spend enough time with last year (a woman by the way) and now has done a 180 on her opinion of this woman.

it seems as if she can never go in a straight for long - no other way for me to describe it at the moment.

Maybe you can have a talk with that woman friend in private? You don't have to go into any specific details as you want your wife to be able to keep her anonymity within the group. You can just share with this woman your concerns that your wife is starting to have some emotional difficulties maybe that will be a good source of information for them to know to be able to support your wife? Just a thought.

I had considered that.  The problem is that my BPDw is not entirely wrong about this particular woman.  I just do not know how much her surging emotions are magnifying any issues within CR.  I also admit that I do not personally trust this woman to not betray my confidence by circling back with my BPDw.

Were that to happen there would be no hole deep enough for me to survive the thermonuclear detonation from her.

Hi Mike_confused,


This is typical relationship development for a pwBPD: Falling in love and then painting black after getting real close (inviting her home).

My possibly simplistic way to un-confuse the situation: These are her relationships - she messes up - she bears the consequences.

Look at the alternatives - you step in - try to fix

  a) something goes wrong - you get blamed

  b) you find a fix but she needs to change - you get blamed

  c) she considers your interference as betrayal - you get blamed

now you stay out:

  d) she messes up - the only person she can reasonable blame is herself - you probably will get hit some fallout but your conscious is clean.

Before looking at constructive steps one can take let's understand that painting black serves a function - validating the negative emotions in herself. Taking away the black painted object will lead to increased pressure on her to find another target (maybe you) or dsyfunctional negative behavior (maybe cutting) to serve the function. The black painting is her projecting what is inside her head. Fixing the world is fixing the side that likely needs less fixing.


Of course your wife is not wrong about her. There is always something wrong in people. And it would not be surprising to find out that a pwBPD seeks out another pwBPD or at least some issues. Projection is not about creating a new reality it is about distorting reality.

Challenging her view of reality is going to be tough. You are too close to effectively do it - a T would be in a better position there. Right now you are new to the board and not so familiar with the tools so maybe the best is to limit your involvement in the conflicts with third parties unless you are directly affected by them. Think about this limit as a boundary - don't give her relationship advice - her problems.

While you can limit the advice you certainly need to validate. You will need to validate her frustration, her seeing serious - possibly extremely serious problems with this other women etc... Her emotions after all - you may see a molehill while she sees a mountain - for her it is Everest! You may need to validate her frustration with you not giving any advice (but if you would give you will be blamed... . ) - possibly you are simply ignorant in handling women problems   .

That will go a long way in enabling her to work through the problems - after all she is the only one who can do it. She may or may not break off the relationship with the woman or the CR although I doubt it a little at the moment - the intensity of her negative emotions indicate a strong relationship - just the wrong polarity.

I have been on the board for 15 months.   Have been developing an understanding of BPD for about 2.5 years.   As for staying clear of my BPDw's other relationships... . you can bet your backside I am doing just that. She knows it too.  Her therapist is working with her on this.

The reason for this initial post is this:  I find it BEYOND ironic that a program that clearly is beneficial and generally one that you could expect to be filled with like minded, supportive people, is actually the source for her latest bout of dysregulation.

For her, every cure becomes poison.   As a result, I most certainly have taken a hands off approach to all of this.  It is her problem to deal with.

You just described pwBPD down to the core. Every Non on these boards were painted White when the pwBPD wanted us to be their Knight in Shinning Armor rescuer. But when reality hits the pwBPD they realize that their same feelings of shame, guilt, emptiness is still with them. They can't handle the fact that they have this problem and turn around and blame the one slowest to them... ll.US. That's when they start painting us Black as the source of their pain and discomfort. Sounds like that's what happened with the Celebrate Recovery group.

Yes being hands off is a good approach just don't become part of the collateral damage. The debris field when a BPD bomb goes off can be wide reaching! I do hope she gets the help she needs to find peace in her life.

My BPW wife has been in therapy for 18 months.  Good for her.  I support her.  The bits and pieces of info that she gives indicate that her therapy has become all about dealing with CR.     That is sad.

also, my BPDw told me over the weekend that her sister admitted to her that 3 different therapists diagnosed her (the sister) as having BPD.  One diagnosis was over 20 years ago.  I am not the least bit surprised.  Her mother is clearly NPD.

I guess this is a topic for a different post.

Hi Mike,


keep in mind that she needs to learn behavior - how to deal with her inner problems and conflicts in real life. Having something concrete with real emotions attached to work with might be quite practical for the T and her. Recovery is not about making a plan who does the dishes but being able to figure out why one is upset and how to handle that. This sort of skill is transferable.

Be glad it is not you  :)

The latest statements from my BPD wife relating to C.R.:

1.  "I don't need anyone's love except God."  (While I get the concept, I have no clue what she means by this)

2.  "You aren't going to like me now that I am getting healthy and am progressing with my recovery."  (I am not certain what she is recovering from to be honest, and she seems to have taken this attitude to the point where she feels she can say whatever she feels under the guise of healthy living.)

Has anyone had any experience similar to mine?