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I've been having so much trouble keeping it together lately that I have lost track of who is causing the conflict between me and uBPDh.  My anger toward him is just out of control, and I don't know which way is up anymore.  He is being his usual self - moody, depressed, blaming me for everything that is wrong with his life, stating matter-of-factly that he would leave me if he could, standing by doing hardly anything to contribute to decision making or things that need to be done, but criticizing my every move.  The problem is that he appears so under-emotional about it now.  He just says all of this stuff in a calm, low voice.  I immediately escalate because I'm so done with hearing all of this.  The kids now think I'm the aggressor.  And that just makes H even more smug about it all.

He has admitted that he thinks he's borderline, and is starting therapy tonight.  I guess that's a step in the right direction, but if I'm his therapist and H describes my behavior and doesn't admit his own contributions to our conflicts, I would think I'm the crazy one!   

Please help!

  Daylily

So, sorry.  I know at times I was acting crazy because of the PTSD of living with my dBPDh.  Now that I am getting treatment for my PTSD and codependency, that crazy feeling has gone.  I am no longer trying to control my dBPDh and I am not nearly as triggered as I was.  I am also learning to set boundaries.  I still slip sometimes but pretty quickly regain equilibrium.  Is there any help you are getting for yourself besides this board?

Thanks, Missy!  I have often wondered about PTSD and having a pwBPD.  I thought that PTSD was only caused by "more severe" circumstances, like childhood abuse, crime victims and veterans.  But maybe that's discounting what we nons have to put up with. 

I am in therapy myself.  I am finding that though I am getting support, my therapist is on "my side," which makes me less empathetic toward H and almost encourages my anger.  I am also asking myself if I am telling the therapist only my side of the story.  I suppose that's what I'm supposed to be doing, though.

This is an important insight, not only telling the therapist but it is often the only side of ourselves we are listening to. It comes, I believe, in having continual exposure to this without getting the chance to recenter. Finding more space to ourselves is a big help in this regard.

Put your focus back on you and away from him

Hi daylily,

Nice to see you again.  In short, I'd say both of you have issues.  He has the typical BPD outlook on life (black/white, splitting of you, blaming, etc.).  But you're not completely guilt-free because those things triggered you and you escalated.  Of course, you shouldn't be shouldering the entire blame, because what he said, albeit calmly, is triggering, and there's just so much of it you can take.  But blowing up in his face isn't helping anybody, and as you suggested, even your children will be affected. 

I think you have to take some time out for yourself, and you may need longer than you think.  If you get back into "normal" conversations with him before you're mentally ready, you're less likely to be equipped for his further attacks, which WILL happen to some extent, even if he's not depressed and moody.

For myself, when I feel that "I can't this s*** anymore", I know it's time for me to really detach for a little bit instead of pushing myself to try and be normal with him.  I need to be on top of my mental game to be able to control the things I say, and my emotions.  You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of him and your family.  Take care! 

Daylily, yes it takes a really good therapist to help us put the focus back on ourselves.  I also find that Alanon helps me a lot.

Alanon was a good step for me to separate "their stuff" and "our stuff". It was a good kick starter for understanding dealing with any sort of Disorder

My uBPDw really messes with my sense of reality. She has tried our whole marriage to convince me and others that I'm a bad person. I don't know who I am anymore.

  I soo know the feeling of being the one who blows up loudly... . after being criticized, invalidated, having my buttons pushed, but in a quiet/peaceful tone of voice. In fact, it happened today.

My wife (I don't consider her to have BPD anymore) is terribly depressed of late, and her depressed behavior is very similar to what she did when she seemed to have BPD.

All I can suggest is carve out some more time and space for yourself--it will help you figure out which is your stuff to own, and that will help you not pick up your H's stuff.

 GK

Hi Lily!  Hugs



Probably you ARE the one with issues.  Im just sayin... . thats what being in an unhealthy relationship does to us.  We become someone we dont want to be even.  And in no way am I saying you are the ONLY one with issues.

The advice here is right on.  You have to detach.  Remove yourself more (emotionally), such that you can focus on your own mental health and well being.  And dont forget physical health.

I felt like I had to go through the natural stages of grief over the relationship:  Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  And these all overlap back and forth to some degree.  But a stage of anger is somewhat natural as you give up on what you had 'hoped' your relationship would be, and now have to deal with the reality of what is really 'is'

Own your own stuff, but refuse to own his stuff.  Give yourself some time and space to recenter and rediscover who you are as a person and what you are about.  Take care of yourself!

Hi daylily,

don't judge yourself too harsh - we are all humans.


good points. Another way I sometimes thought about a similar difficult phase when she was getting better and I struggled then that there was so much pressure from the outside for so long that I built up pressure inside. And when the outside pressure went down not only was there too much pressure within me I also lacked the means to express it. And some of the relief happened in bursts. Was not all fair to her 

I think that when the pressure on the outside is gone, you can only then focus on what is within. Key trick maybe would be to already focus on what is within while the pressure on the outside is building up? It's easy to forget yourself in the process, yet it's probably adding to the issues.

Whenever I feel like 'wanting' too much; a response, intimacy, time (any form of attention from him), I've learned to step back. Or at least stay where I am. My T once explained this to me: when someone wants some air in the relationship because things are going to quick & the commitment is too scary (it's going too well), a person stays where they are or take a step back. In case of pwBPD they tend not to ask that space but start picking fights. Although I might add, anyone with an estranged form of attachment does not ask for this; merely people just take space without communicating why. Instead of trying to fix the fight, get things right, take a step back. Because when you try to pull someone close when they've actually just signaled they need space, they will take a bigger step back. (Your/our/)My issue lies within the need to fix things immediately - which usually makes things worse.

Signaling when space must be given -even when it's not literally asked for- and accepting that, is the best thing we can do I guess. I try to see it as additional time for me to spend with friends, family, or some well deserved alone time. Things I find difficult to 'take' for myself and are now given to me. It all depends on how you look at things.

But, I might add, I do think my dBPDbf is not the worst of worst diagnosed ever, he's been honest about it and is in therapy, so... . I'm fortunate in that sense.

This is a good point read the emotion behind, not the words or the specific issue. Giving space as a first reaction can often defuse a lot of dramas.

It is one of the reasons pwBPD clash the most with folks who are impulsive logical "fixers". My partners mother is a compulsive fixer or controller, hates vagueness (reminds me of Judge Judy). Put the two together and its like trying to mix fuel and water. Incapable of having normal conversation when in the same room, ends up in "safe' baby and simpleton talk. Two facades avoiding each other.