BPDFamily.com

My BPD wife and I married five years ago.  At that time she had been laid off for about a year, but appeared to be actively seeking work.  Six months after the wedding her unemployment insurance ran out.  I have a professional career and earn a darn good salary and have almost no debt of my own, so no problem right?  My BPDw has a couple of teenagers from her first marriage and VERY little child support.   Still no problem in my mind.

In previous posts I had described how I moved back to my ancestral home last year after being hit with a kitchen chair.  We have since sort of reconciled but I have refused to move back with her.  Even though she changed her attitude toward me, the attitude she taught the children to have toward me did not change.   essentially that attitude was that my income was only for their good, and that aside from the large "family" income I brought I was nothing but a major inconvenience in their lives.  I had had enough of that crap, so I held my ground and would not expose myself to THEIR abuse and disrespect.

However, I never stopped supporting her/them financially.

When I spend time with my BPDw there I am told that I am eating her children's food.  Her kids take the same position.   Whenever she doesn't have enough money, it is my fault (I split my income in two, giving her half of it).   Whenever she is stressed and is around "friends" she reminds everyone that she is still a single parent and is struggling financially (a flat out insult since she has about $20K more per year TAKE HOME than she did when I met her).   Essentially any normally daily stressor (normal to me) send her over the edge.

However, her criticism of me regarding money is beyond what I can tolerate any longer.  She dosn't want half my take home she wants 2/3.   She reminds me we are married and I should not complain about paying her every expense.

I can't take any more.  I do not want to continue to sacrifice the things I enjoy to support her.  Hell, as you can imagine, nothing even makes her happy for more than a day.  She is working in sales now, but has not shown much income to this point.  I am watching for that first check - I bet it will go toward whatever she wants for herself.

I feel very used.

Boy can I relate to this... . although on a slightly different scale. When I met my uBPDh I was a stay at home mom babysitting to make ends meet. Since then I have gone back to work, finished my Bachelor's, and started my Master's. Now... . at this exact moment my h makes far more than I do... . when he works. All the money I make goes toward bills and my kids. He loves to hold his income over me. It's his favorite weapon.

The house is mine... all the vehicles and he thinks it's completely unfair that I expect him to put any of his money toward the bills because "this was all yours before I met you". So apparently he doesn't actually live here to help create the bills? He thinks it's perfectly fine that every sent I make goes to the bills which doesn't cover them because he isn't going to work that hard and not be able to buy whatever he wants. But our lack of money in the bank is somehow MY fault? I am currently looking for a new job with much higher pay. Soon as I find one the bills will be divided (his truck payment, his insurance, business insurance is his to pay) and whatever is left of my check is mine to do with as I please. His emotional instability is one thing... but holding our livelihood over my head is another.

Does no good, of course, to remind him that he knew all of this (debts, house, kids) BEFORE we got married. We will also be having separate bank accounts.

In my opinion protect your hard earned money. Even children throwing tantrums have to eventually learn to stand on their own two feet. Whether they like it or not they are adults and should expected to act like it in some way. I've been told repeatedly that mental illness is no excuse only a reason. A hand up is what we are here for and to give... . not handouts.

Added note. Something I was told here sticks with me daily. I think it applies here.

Our love, our loyalty, and especially our support isn't a right... . it's a privilege. They have to at times be reminded that it can all be lost and we also need reminded that we have the free will to walk away. It is their privilege and our choice... . always.

I am at the point where I will withdraw ALL my support and walk away if I am going to continue to be verbally abused.    The criticism about money and financial matters hurts the worst, because I have had to forego anything but bare necessities for myself while feeding and clothing her and her ungrateful family.  I have told my BPDw this must end and she continues to disregard my warnings.

She had a taste of it last year:  she was complaining about her need for extra cash.  I told her she would need to wait two weeks.   She hit me with a kitchen chair over the head (never saw it coming).  I left. She saw not a penny from me for a month.   She begged me and chased me saying she was sorry and that she loved me.

And I was a complete idiot.  Maybe I am on the wrong Board.  It was a really heavy chair.

Hi Mike,

In my BPD relationship with my exgf money WAS almost everything... . my 'value' to her family was nt how loving I was towards her, how much I supported her emotionally and so on, rather it was how much I earned.

I could have been anyone.

Their daughter (30) couldn't marry an 'unsuccessful man'... .   (oh, would have to tell the mother how much I earnt before marriage -bank statements?) 

Irony was that due to BPD their daughter was financially one of the least successful people i'd ever met -no proper job, no career, no plans... .   Sounds harsh, but lots of lies to cover all this up.

Beautiful clothes, always spotlessly turned out, but nothing of any substance from her.  Student rented room, no car, no savigs, no valuables, no pension, nothing. 

I tried my best, but her love was about her needs... .   and that was ultimatey £££££

I feel v sorry for you but don't cough up any more.  Once my ex realised I wasn't going to be the kind, generous, warm and thoughtful man (I am) regarding money, it was ALL OVER.  Funny that... .

6ths on, she still has no job, nothing.  Mum is paying the bills as usual.  At 30yrs old.  Pretty embarrassing really, can't do the BPD 'shame' any good. 

Tackling my reply in parts.

1) She continues to disregard your warnings? So you are standing there in front of a grown woman with your arms crossed counting to 3 with a stern expression?   You gave her warnings. Follow through with the consequences and cut her off and her kids.

This might sound harsh especially given my own situation but honestly it's what you need to do. Repeatedly we are told to never give ultimatums or warnings without the intent to follow through. You HAVE to do as you have threatened or you are nothing more than a pushover and a bank account. No one deserves to be that as Diamond has pointed out.

2) She begged for forgiveness and spouted emotions AFTER you cut her off and hit you with a chair AFTER you told her you'd give her money in just 2 weeks. Pretty much says enough right there.

3) There is no excuse for abuse... . none in any circumstance. Sorry but "It was a really heavy chair"... . LOL. I about spit out my coffee I was laughing so hard. I love that. It shows your sense of humor is still somewhat intact. This is important.

4) YOU are going without and YOU are the one working. Ummmmm?

My advice would be rather harsh but here it is. Keep in mind it's always easier to see solutions for others than yourself. But... . in my opinion I'd cut her off and her ungrateful brats. My h may be BPD but I make sure my kids give him the proper dues for how hard he does work for our family. Our financial arguments are between he and I only. Every action MUST have a consequence. Take these facts into account.

1) She does still have income without you. If it's not enough that's her issue not yours.

2) Her kids... . not yours. Enough said.

3) SHE is the reason you left the home. No excuse for abuse... . ever.

4) BPD is a reason... . not an excuse.

Withdraw your income or at the very least do a 2/3 and 1/3 split giving her the 1/3 if you sincerely believe she can't survive without it. If she sincerely wishes to maintain the relationship then she needs to meet your demands for a change. Work on the marriage with NO or little financial support due to the abuse and their attitude. Keep the symptoms and issues with BPD in your mind AND HEART as you go along but remember above all any interaction with her IS YOUR CHOICE AND NOT HER RIGHT. She has a disorder and it's tragic what all it does to people but please please please keep in mind your self care allows you the strength to care for her. Right now... . you need to withdraw and care for you.

You also need time to decide which board to be on. You can take a timeout without making any lasting decisions. It's probably best you don't in your present state of mind anyway.

Misneach,

it seems that her memory is about equal to her (my BPDw) emotional age.  I did lay it all out for her over a year ago.  She complied for a while.  Quite a while actually.  It seems that the surficial problem is that as soon as she is feeling stressed over financial issues, she lashes out at me.  Unacceptable behavior - I reminded her of that again this week. 

What she considers stress is from my perspective a walk in the park.  Those with BPD seem to absorb every stimuli rather than allowing most of them to roll like water off a duck's back.  I have a difficult time accepting that.  I am expected to pull my weight, and most of hers as well.  I snapped finally earlier this week:  I told her to suck it up and get control of herself.  The things she complains about are a normal part of daily life.  Needless to say she did not like this.  Consequently, I have not spoken to her for three days.  I will not speak to her until she realizes that being stressed out is not a license to kill, so to speak.

She began calling me last night begging to talk to me but I was getting something I rarely get when I am with her.

Sleep.

With all due respect, you more than likely will not be able to simply cut her off and walk away withouy any financial ramifications, as if you make a lot more than her, you will likely pay spousal support which may equate to more than 1/2 of what you are currently giving her. Just something to keep in mind... .

You might want to join divorcesupport.com.  Knowledge is power my friend.

ramtay,

I disagree.  I have spoken with an attorney.   We have been married less than 4 years.   I will likely owe her nothing, or at most a considerably smaller sum than I give her now for a short period of time as far as alimony.   She knows this.

We also own no property together.

I am in a different position but there is definitely financial abuse going on.  You should speak to an attorney about how to handle this.  Judges don't like it when the party that has been earning totally cuts off the other.  Handle this in an appropriate, legal way.  You don't want to hurt yourself in a divorce.

My dBPDh cuts me off financially and I have been a stay at home Mom for 16 years.  When he is regulated, he tells me how important it is that I be here for the kids.  When he is dysregulated I  am a selfish bhit just using him for money.  However he has never in anyway helped at home.  Not even traditional male things like taking care of my car, cooking out or lawn care. He has not so much as made me a cup of coffee or piece of toast in 16 years.  BPDs have an extreme sense of entitlement.

mike i faced the same attitude - except that my wife was not only working but had a higher salary than i did before and during the marriage!

in the states (at least in my state) the shorter the term of the marriage, the more the tendency of the courts to put the parties "as they were before." at 7 years, mine is on the borderline and that makes me unhappy.

I have checked with my attorney.    He 7 years is a threshold, and I would likely not be ordered to pay alimony, or if I am, not for a long period of time.

And that is after there has been a divorce, during marriage you need to find out what your legal obligations are.  It varies, in my state income is legally 50/50.  I would think you would want to get out before you get close to 7 years, if that is the threshold in your state and divorce is what you really want.  BPDs are really volatile in a divorce and protecting yourself is so important.

Understood.  I have had lengthy legal advice.  I am prepared.  The really sad part is, it is far cheaper for me to part ways with my BPDw than to allow her to continue her plundering.  I have family assets that I have secured out of her reach.   I had 24 years into my career before I met her.

It is sad.  I always had plenty of money.  I routinely travelled.  She now resents anything I do without her.  my resentment has built toward her because of her attitude that she had a hand in any of my success.  She expects me to pay for her kids college education.  That is unreasonable.

I am fortunate that my family home - from my great - grandparents is untouchable by her.

Mike,

Please be really careful with the money.

I swear if I had a million pounds, my BPDexgf would have treated me very differently, well at least for a bit... .   then she'd want me to drip feed it to her, then finally she'd expect the lot. 

She never had a clue about earning and saving money, taxes, loans, planning for the future... . it was all 'now, now, now' and 'me, me,me'... .  

When we had discussions over money, I was just exasperated... .   her only answer and I mean ONLY was "My mother will pay"... . not "i'll get a job."

It was hopeless, almost embarrassing.

To rely on her mother for anything financial would be like relying on a burglar to dust your ming vase at home.  Ridiculous. 

Mike -PROTECT YOURSELF.  You don't owe a penny/cent/dinar to her children so don't even go there.  Money doesn't grow on trees -it has to be earned -which involves a job - which involves working often when we don't want to and don't like the people we work with... . but that's life.

I got away financially very lightly... . I now have a beautiful new home, she's in her 10ft x 12ft student room.  But if she had the chance, aided and abetted by her mother, she would have financially ruined my life.  Guaranteed.  BPD = About their needs.  Especially ££/$$ 

Forgot to add... . it's interesting how my BPDexgf's mother doesn't 'bale her out' regarding a home... .   she could buy the girl a £250k flat in London easy... . but no, easier for her daughter to snag a man to do that and save the 250k... .  

Seriously Mike, turn off the tap and be careful.  The more I think about my past, the more I'm glad to walk away.  These people don't work.  Yes, it's a disorder... .   it's also BONE IDLENESS.  My ex lived in Oxford Circus, London... .   no jobs there then? 

come on, pull the other one!

I used to tell her I was 'proud of her'... . now I'm out of the FOG, I'm actually NOT proud of her at all.  I respect the charity work she does (mainly to make herself feel better/under orders from her T) but I'd be more proud of her if she sweeped the streets or worked behind a Starbucks counter... .

will she do that?  Of course not!  She's too pretty and 'it's a man's responsibility' to provide for her... .

What would her mum say?  What about her 'prospects' to find a successful man?

Smacks of arrogance to me/entitlement.  Even when unemployed for 5mths when I was with her, she never bothered to write a CV and she still spent a fortune on her hair every week in Mayfair salons... .   because that's what all 'normal' unemployed people do?

My rant over... . :) 

I don't like lazy people.  Especially spoilt ones.  You've done your time regarding work, it's time your hard work helped you and you spent YOUR money out of your FREE WILL rather than obligation/guilt, dare I say fear?  You should be damn proud of yourself for earning it, now be proud for not frittering it away. 

Diamond,

thank you.  My BPDw does have a disorder, yes.   Truth be told she is also most certainly lazy.  Perhaps it is how BPD manifests itself.  Nevertheless, I have to admit she is lazy.

Mike

I am confused - you are maintaining a relationship with this person because?

You mentioned that you have sought and received solid legal advice.  Have you hired a therapist for yourself as well?  You sound likes very successful guy who deals with logical, practical people in business on a daily basis.  Your wife is neither and in fact is incapable of being so.

It took me about 18 months of counseling to decide to pull the trigger on the divorce, but I had been married for 25 years.  When I arrived at the decision I asked the counselor if it was a common "ah hah" moment for people in similar circumstances.  He said yes especially for nice and logical spouses  - you have to come to 2 realizations. One, they are who they are and they are not going to change - they may behave for periods of time but fundamentally they are still ill. Two, we as nons have done everything we can to try to make it work.  In my case marriage counseling, relationship building weekend workshops, etc.

What is stopping you from ending an abusive relationship?

uggh,

Yes I am very successfull. Yes I have been to marriage counselling - she sabotaged it.  Yes, she does behave after I call her out on something and  break away from - she does anything and says anything to get me back.

Now then, as to why I am still with her:  who the hell knows?  There is an immovable line in concrete, so to speak, that is less than a year away.   She knows it and clearly understands that if she attempts to welch on our agreement regarding that date that it is over.  She knows it is a matter that is non-negotiable as far as I am concerned.

That time is coming quickly.  We will see.

What is it about BPD's and money? My uBPDw will freak out about money all the time. She is a stay at home mom to our 2yoS and I earn all the income. I earn a decent amount, not a huge amount but enough to live comfortably and take a couple vacations per year. She has a larger amount in savings than I do because she received a large amount from her grandmother as sort of an inheritance. When we were planning our recent vacation, I asked if she might be able to help out a little bit. She went on and on about us being poor and "how dare you" ask me for money when she "doesn't have anything to replenish her savings". She has brought that up many times since then about how I am selfish. And on top of that, we have been looking at getting a different house. The down payment would come out of her savings. She accuses me of being selfish for not "opening up my checkbook" and paying for the down payment, even though I don't have nearly the amount she does and not enough to cover it. 

Yep, my husband controls all of the money.  Since he has gone off the deep end again, I don't even have access to look at any of it.  He gives me money every week but won't give me as much as I require, when he is pissed.  Then he has the nerve to tell me I need to pay the $700 for our son's basketball, when he knows he hasn't given me the money.  Then he goes on to tell me how selfish and entitled I am because I won't pay it.   

Fortunately, when we got married I never di get around to switching my direct deposit to our joint account - it was and is still directly deposited in to my own personal account.   She berated me for a year for not switching the direct deposit.   I am not sure why I never switched it  - things appeared to fine between us at the time.  Must have been the little birdie on my shoulder.

As far as other warning signs:  at our wedding, her son said to me, out loud in front of many people, "well now your money is our money".   Wow.  My own son who was a college senior at the time heard it.   He asked me later why I did not chuck the whole thing at that statement.  The only place a 15 year old would come up with a statement like that is from his mother.

Sounds a bit like my situation. My wife lives off a heritage, while I work. She does all sorts of projects, but they do not generate any money, and she has lots of free time. My paycheck is almost gone entirely at the end of the month (and I also make a decent amount). I hardly ever buy anything for myself. Yet she often complains that she has to pay "everything".

This is a large problem for me, because if I ever try to bring up that we should reorganize the way we pay bills she'll get dysregulated fast. I have started to keep track of everything I pay so I can have some hard evidence to show her the next time she'll yell at me for being a "freeloader". Since I pay for almost everything by card these days it's quite easy from my bank to export all expenses from my account to an Excel file, where I can categorize it.

She also has a rather short memory regarding these things. The first 5-6 years we were together I paid for 60-70% of our expenses according to a system we made (the person making the most paid the most). This is now completely forgotten.

Memory is something BPD is not fond of.  My wife said I ruined her credit.  I am not sure how since she brought in no money, leaving me to pay all her expenses and mine.   Mind you these were exxpenses she had before we got together.

She tells me it is a husbands duty to pay the bills.   Makes me wonder why she married me.

Mike, that is really confusing since it isn't like she is a SAHM.  What does she do with her days?  I can't imagine if I didn't have children that I wouldn't want to do something else all day. I volunteer a lot at my children's school and spend a lot of time for their extra curricular activities, on top of cleaning, cooking, and all of the shopping for the household. 

Oh, wait.  I am getting you and Diamond confused.  She has children but the 2 of you don't.  Isn't that right?  They are much older children, though.  Life changes when the kids get older and are more self sufficient.  It seems you are ready to divorce.  Perhaps change to the undecided or leaving?  I am back and forth between staying and undecided.

I am undecided.

all or nothing thinking. oh how i know it.

Yeah, love the all or nothing.  My dBPDh is refusing to watch the kids if it in any way helps me, because he is always helping me out!  Huh, they are your children too!  And to be clear, to benefit me is to go to Al-Anon and COSA (for spouses of sex addicts).

Money has been my SO's priority from day one. I had a small baby when we met and he stayed at mine 7 nights a week, playing console games, pleasing himself and watching me struggle to pay the bills and provide for my daughter. He insisted that I was with him for his money, even though he didn't give me any and he earned a pittance. I didn't complain.

When we decided to have a baby, after nearly 5 years of his unofficial living with me, he was thrilled. When I asked him to move in properly, he accused me of getting pregnant because all the other men that were sleeping with me couldn't afford to pay my bills and he only wanted to pay maintenance.

Our youngest was a surprise and he begged me to get an abortion, saying that she wasn't his, because he didn't want any more. He said that I was securing my financial future and only intending to screw him for maintenance.

We built a building business. I worked like a man. He said that I worked so hard because I was looking for a divorce settlement. I did all the chores and parenting, even cooking every night for his dad and caring for him like a daughter would.

I wasn't permitted to improve myself, or work outside of his business, as I couldn't be trusted and would just up and leave him once I was independent and got what I wanted. He'd threaten to leave if I attempted autonomy.

We renovated a house and moved into it, planning to get married. Everything was in his name and he lied about getting married, saying that he couldn't afford maintenance and a mortgage. Women worked for the children, men for the house and nothing lasted forever. I was a demanding B for asking him to write a will or share the mortgage. My job is to pay for the children, holidays and food. I shouldn't need any security.

It's been 22 years. His first thought is his wallet and he accuses me of not being able to love or give if I want an equal and mutually respectful union. He is concerned about himself if we separate.  I'm supposed to take responsibility for myself and stand on my own two feet, which usually results in me being made homeless and a screaming fit of accusations. When I've worked, I also have to take responsibility for his paranoia.

I would love to work a job of my choice, free of accusations and build my own stable future within a loving relationship. It cuts both ways. There are men out there that are as blind and ruthless as those women who marry for money... . I live with one.

Thicker skin,

I did not mean to imply that only women marry for money.  I do recognize that BPD makes it extremely difficult for the sufferer to think of anything or anyone but their own needs - at least for very long.

Mike,

I am coming to the party late, and have not read all the replies, but your post could have been written by me.  There was a poster called 2010, who had a very good grasp on why BPDs want stuff... . money, and material things.  You will have to search for those posts, but it is worth it.

Oh Mike... . I didn't think you were implying that  |iiii

There are some shallow women out there... . I don't like them myself!

Relationships consist of all sorts of contributions. Some men are cross if the wife doesn't work, but raises the kids, keeps house and aids his day to day living. If your time is spent in a busy and productive way, to the better of the family that you've each made, then surely, each has provided and done their job?

We all have different ideas of what works or who works for us and how.

God bless our mums, I say. I've worked in construction and I've had three kids. Construction was a walk in the park compared to the monotonous, demanding, daily, unpaid grind of parenthood and endless chores. I wouldn't change it for the world though. I would change my partners view of motherhood.  I don't consider it to be 'not in work'.

Thicker skin,

I whole heartedly agree with your statement about being productive and contributing to the good of the family.   I consider maintaining a home a huge contribution... . yes, a career.  Anything that lightens the collective burdens of the family is a blessing and is productive.

to add to someone's burden due to unrealistic, self-centered demands on the other hand... .

High five to you Mike  :)

With you in all sentiments.

My partner has felt that my work and contribution has been of such little importance, that he said it was nothing and excluded me from all family assets... .

After 22 years, I figure he knows where the Vacuum is and given as it's nothing, it won't take him long to do. He could try cleaning the loo too :-)

I cook, I do the laundry and I wash up. I also meet the kids every need. Beyond that, I'm no longer adding nothing to nothing and I drew the line at working my fingers to the bone for a roof over my head til the kids leave home.

My partner considers my expectations to be unrealistic, selfish and demanding... .

A joint mortgage.

A shared parenting approach.

Shared bills.

Better communication.

Mutual respect for our contributions... .

Thicker Skin,

those seem to be realistic expectations to me.

I hear you Thicker Skin, I have added equal access and accountability over money.  My dBPDh doesn't let me have access or information about our finances, and he only wants me to be accountable for spending.  He makes stupid decisions regarding large sums of money and wants to micromanage the small purchases I make.