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Title: Hoping that this board can help move me to a success story Post by: formflier on March 23, 2014, 04:39:32 PM My current thinking is that I am more in the staying side of things that the deciding. I've known about BPD for just a couple months now. At least now I sort of understand what I am up against. you can see more of my story in my other posts... . hopefully those are easy to find. My one reservation is that the BPD traits surfaced 4-5 years ago after a natural disaster. For the 15 years of marriage before that... I never saw anything consistent. Maybe it was a very long "white" stage... . and then the "blackened" be after the disaster. My fault... . didn't fix house fast enough... she claimed I wanted other women... etc etc. Then would claim to be all good... . and wouldn't mention it for a month or two... then it would come back worse than before. The accusations would be bigger. Anytime an accusation would be figured out for sure... . she would run away from it as soon as it was figured out. For instance... she would claim that she knew I was lying because there was not a burger king in such and such city... . so I couldn't have been there. Producing the receipt, driving her to the location to lay eyes on it... etc etc... . wouldn't make her happy... she would then claim I never let her win arguments. Showing her the facts rarely resulted in her happiness. I know realize I probably was invalidating her. Still trying to figure out how to deal with reality and not invalidate her. We have several kids and I do hope that I can help my wife get better. Anyway... any thoughts about this showing up full force so late in a relationship. I was in military (now retired)... . so we did spend time apart. Could that have lengthened the idealization stage? Thanks for the help Title: Re: Hoping that this board can help move me to a success story Post by: an0ught on March 25, 2014, 02:03:12 PM Hi formflier,
My one reservation is that the BPD traits surfaced 4-5 years ago after a natural disaster. For the 15 years of marriage before that... I never saw anything consistent. well, it could always be PTSD but unless one is a professional it is hard to figure out as a constantly very anxious/stressed person is not so different from a pwBPD. Then it can well be BPD with her marginally coping and for whatever reason loosing that ability and all the other factors that promote this dysfunction becoming more dominant. In any case validation and boundaries will help you to bring some stability and calm into the situation over time. you can see more of my story in my other posts... . hopefully those are easy to find. It it really trivial for those who have enough posts: Click on the posters name and then click "show posts" My wife stormed out of marriage counseling in December. Swore she would never be back. The triggering event seemed to be the counselor "enforcing reality". After a claim that I never let my wife speak and interrupted her all the time... . the counselor calmly said that she had spoken for 5 minutes straight and that I had only spoken for about 30 seconds and that she had a watch as reference. This was taken to mean that the counselor was "for" me and "against" my wife. Yeah, most people would say oops, did I really do that and may blush. She blushes so much that she has to tell everyone they are guilty and then has to storm off. Typical overreaction to invalidation. That is one reason why marriage counseling is so problematic. The T can't sit by and tolerate abuse but stopping abuse is seen as taking sides. I was in military (now retired)... . so we did spend time apart. Could that have lengthened the idealization stage? Distance is a natural boundary. Can't blame a person that is absent for dirty dishes in the kitchen can she? So she had experience accountability for a lot more and that helps to stabilize. |