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Title: De-Escalating Post by: Nonamouse on March 24, 2014, 12:08:16 AM Things had been going well for a few months, so I have been on here less. I'm back. :)
It seems like when my dBPDw goes on an anger bender, the only way to de-escalate is to tell her to pack her stuff, leave, that I want a divorce. She'll leave for an hour or so, come back and apologize and promise to try and get better. Unfortunately, it's not as neat as that - there's a lot of screaming, accusations, and insults involved but honestly it seems like that's the only way I can break through to her after 3 days of anger and vindictiveness. I try everything but she doesn't seem to respond until I go nuclear. Validation helps in general but doesn't seem to be effective when she gets into the self righteous anger mode that lasts for days. It's like she's possessed by a demon. Even the look in her eyes is different. And the huge fight is the catharsis that makes it go away. I just wish there was a better way but I can't break through when it takes hold of her. I'm so tired of this disease. Title: Re: De-Escalating Post by: montanesa on March 24, 2014, 02:57:59 AM Things had been going well for a few months, so I have been on here less. I'm back. :) It seems like when my dBPDw goes on an anger bender, the only way to de-escalate is to tell her to pack her stuff, leave, that I want a divorce. She'll leave for an hour or so, come back and apologize and promise to try and get better. Unfortunately, it's not as neat as that - there's a lot of screaming, accusations, and insults involved but honestly it seems like that's the only way I can break through to her after 3 days of anger and vindictiveness. I try everything but she doesn't seem to respond until I go nuclear. Validation helps in general but doesn't seem to be effective when she gets into the self righteous anger mode that lasts for days. It's like she's possessed by a demon. Even the look in her eyes is different. And the huge fight is the catharsis that makes it go away. I just wish there was a better way but I can't break through when it takes hold of her. I'm so tired of this disease. Oh man. I'm sorry! I can definitely relate to being tired - and only posting here when things get bad. Have you ever tried walking out and saying that you'd be back, but you need a break? I was amazed how well it worked with uBPDh. When he starts to get abusive, I firmly but gently tell him I'm out for awhile. I go for a drive. Yesterday, he was insisting I come to band practice with him. He left me alone once I told him, "no, I'm staying here. I need to take care of myself." Take care of yourself. I know this is tiring. Going nuclear requires a lot of effort and hurt. However, does it really help anything? I find defending myself and getting to the "LEAVE!" point to be completely counter-productive. Title: Re: De-Escalating Post by: an0ught on March 24, 2014, 04:24:20 PM Hi Nonamouse,
validation helps in general but so do boundaries. It really takes both not just during the developing conflicts but also during non conflict times. Consistent work on "my stuff and your stuff" during calmer times can reduct the need to defend more difficult boundaries during harder times. Excerpt It's like she's possessed by a demon. Even the look in her eyes is different. And the huge fight is the catharsis that makes it go away. I just wish there was a better way but I can't break through when it takes hold of her. Yeah, there is a thread on look of eyes somewhere on this board so I guess you are not alone here. Still Excerpt It seems like when my dBPDw goes on an anger bender, the only way to de-escalate is to tell her to pack her stuff, leave, that I want a divorce. talk of divorce may not be the best. We want to be taken very serious so empty threats may undermine us over time. Maybe there are other ways to express how upset you are and don't want to see her at all for the next xxx time? Title: Re: De-Escalating Post by: Nonamouse on March 25, 2014, 10:29:26 AM Have you ever tried walking out and saying that you'd be back, but you need a break? Haey Montanesa - Thank you and you're right. I used to do this and it was effective but I just got out of practice because things were going well for a while. I really just need to get back in the automatic routine, where my good response is a reflex. Hi Nonamouse, validation helps in general but so do boundaries. It really takes both not just during the developing conflicts but also during non conflict times. Consistent work on "my stuff and your stuff" during calmer times can reduct the need to defend more difficult boundaries during harder times. talk of divorce may not be the best. We want to be taken very serious so empty threats may undermine us over time. Maybe there are other ways to express how upset you are and don't want to see her at all for the next xxx time? An0ught, this is true. I avoided and tolerated her abuse for 2 days before blowing up. I should have addressed earlier with a boundary. The divorce stuff is counter productive. I've said it so many times, the rational part of her knows it's not true but it just ends up feeding the BPD part of her brain. I got my own stuff to work on as usual. Thanks so much for listening and suggestions. It helped/ Title: Re: De-Escalating Post by: MissTajo on March 25, 2014, 10:45:23 AM In one of the times my BPDbf snaped, after, in the "I'm sorry Im such an idiot" part of the conversation I asked him: Why do you think you need to argue with me so much?" and he answered: "This might seem the most stupid thing in the world, and keep in mind that I almost don't control my mouth when I do it, but when we argue and them we make up I feel we get stronger and that I can trust you more. Its like I wanna break what we have so we can be stronger when we are at peace."
BPD minds work in mysterious ways... . Title: Re: De-Escalating Post by: gotbushels on March 26, 2014, 06:03:15 AM In one of the times my BPDbf snaped, after, in the "I'm sorry Im such an idiot" part of the conversation I asked him: Why do you think you need to argue with me so much?" and he answered: "This might seem the most stupid thing in the world, and keep in mind that I almost don't control my mouth when I do it, but when we argue and them we make up I feel we get stronger and that I can trust you more. Its like I wanna break what we have so we can be stronger when we are at peace." BPD minds work in mysterious ways... . That's why my gf basically said. Hi Nonamouse, validation helps in general but so do boundaries. It really takes both not just during the developing conflicts but also during non conflict times. Consistent work on "my stuff and your stuff" during calmer times can reduct the need to defend more difficult boundaries during harder times. Excerpt It's like she's possessed by a demon. Even the look in her eyes is different. And the huge fight is the catharsis that makes it go away. I just wish there was a better way but I can't break through when it takes hold of her. Yeah, there is a thread on look of eyes somewhere on this board so I guess you are not alone here. Still Excerpt It seems like when my dBPDw goes on an anger bender, the only way to de-escalate is to tell her to pack her stuff, leave, that I want a divorce. talk of divorce may not be the best. We want to be taken very serious so empty threats may undermine us over time. Maybe there are other ways to express how upset you are and don't want to see her at all for the next xxx time? Thank you an0ught. I think you're right... . boundaries and working on ourselves is a really good idea... . it's so counter-intuitive sometimes we're supposed to be turning to our SOs for discourse... . which includes help... . in a top marriage book they encourage that... . much confusion... . so conflicting... . Things had been going well for a few months, so I have been on here less. I'm back. :) It seems like when my dBPDw goes on an anger bender, the only way to de-escalate is to tell her to pack her stuff, leave, that I want a divorce. She'll leave for an hour or so, come back and apologize and promise to try and get better. Unfortunately, it's not as neat as that - there's a lot of screaming, accusations, and insults involved but honestly it seems like that's the only way I can break through to her after 3 days of anger and vindictiveness. I try everything but she doesn't seem to respond until I go nuclear. Validation helps in general but doesn't seem to be effective when she gets into the self righteous anger mode that lasts for days. It's like she's possessed by a demon. Even the look in her eyes is different. And the huge fight is the catharsis that makes it go away. I just wish there was a better way but I can't break through when it takes hold of her. I'm so tired of this disease. Oh man. I'm sorry! I can definitely relate to being tired - and only posting here when things get bad. Have you ever tried walking out and saying that you'd be back, but you need a break? I was amazed how well it worked with uBPDh. When he starts to get abusive, I firmly but gently tell him I'm out for awhile. I go for a drive. Yesterday, he was insisting I come to band practice with him. He left me alone once I told him, "no, I'm staying here. I need to take care of myself." Take care of yourself. I know this is tiring. Going nuclear requires a lot of effort and hurt. However, does it really help anything? I find defending myself and getting to the "LEAVE!" point to be completely counter-productive. Montanesa... . has your SO basically answered the 'walk out' with a 'you're abandoning me, you coward' argument? I'm ok with that, but my SO's retaliates with one of her impulses: men. Specifically, using men to get my attention, "even though she doesn't do it because of that"... . it's not so humongous now but she manages to do it 'while staying in boundaries' as well... . it's so hard to detach under those circumstances because your spouse is not supposed to cheat on you... . that's so basic... . |