BPDFamily.com

Howdy,

Can any of you recommend something to help me emotionally recharge when dealing with the drama in my marriage gets me down? I'm fully committed till death do us part. But the last couple of days I have felt like I've been drained by my emotional vampire spouse. What I want is to go away by myself for a few days and just relax, not having to play the bull___ head games. But my BPD wife raises hell over me being apart from her for any length of time. Her vision of a "healthy" marriage is for us to be joined at the hips day in and day out, but some days I desperately need to get away from her just for awhile. Of course, there's no way to tell her this without a major melt-down.

I'm not opposed to alcohol, but I avoid it because I'm afraid I could become addicted if I chose it to medicate.

Hello plynn,

*welcome*

You basically have to tell them what you are going to do and do it. Just mentally prepare yourself for whatever your "punishment" may be. My partner likes to visit exes when she is feeling abandoned by me. Which I must say is quite a good control method and has kept me close by for the last 18 months. Luckily I have had a recent opportunity come up and I will have to force myself to "abandon" her for an entire weekend as I go chasing my favorite band to multiple concerts. I was hoping she would go with me, but she has already said that she will not. So the battle begins. I choose my battles carefully and this is one I am going to engage in.

You should tell her everything you have planned and explain that you need this for yourself. Have you read the lessons on here yet? Use a lot of validation about the negative feelings she will have about you leaving. Put yourself in her shoes and see how scared she is, even if it seems completely illogical to you. Throw logic out the window and just focus on what she is feeling. Then mentally prepare yourself for whatever may come your way. If she will not stop calling you then you may have to turn your phone off. You have to get your head into a place where you decide you are going to enjoy yourself no matter what and deal with whatever may be waiting for you when you return. Just be confident and know that you need to do this for yourself.

I read your intro post and have some other info for you. Godspeed to you for dealing with menopause right now. That has to be rough. My mom (a laid back codependent like myself) was a crazy person during that time of her life. I was also the last out like your son and most people thought my parents were my grandparents. So I had no idea what was going on as a preteen!    No win situations are no fun. Take care of yourself first and get yourself out of the line of fire.

You had some valid concerns about your son and I wanted to recommend a book to you called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Gottman. Lo and behold it focuses mostly on validation. My two SDs 3 and 5 have responded well to it and it has also helped me with my gf as well. I believe the children are genetically predisposed to emotional sensitivity and then growing up being invalidated frequently by a BPD parent "activates" their own BPD. Hopefully all of my validation all around can short circuit the next generation of this stuff. So far it seems to be working well. I guess in 15 years I'll report back on my findings! I wish more studies were being done on this dynamic. It really is quite fascinating. I just wish it weren't so hard to deal with on a day to day basis.

Good luck and we hope you stick around here for awhile  *)

I just find time whenever I can, A hobby that I really enjoy to do, a book to read, a movie to watch. Even taking a moment when my husband is mad at me to play with my dogs can change so much. It's about focusing on something else that is freeing, that is fun, that isn't filled with the drama they bring to your life.

For me I actually draw, I found something called Zentangle which is meditation through drawing. I can do it whenever I want since I can sit right next to him.  That's not always possible for every hobby, but that's what I have found that I like. I also have playlists that I specifically pick out certain songs for my certain moods. It's a way of Validating myself without anyone else around. Listening to music and drawing is my favorite thing to do on this earth, even before I met my husband. You just have to find something that works for you, something that makes you feel better when you do it. You just take time to do something for you. Choose to do something for you, no matter what it is.

Hi plynn41,


I would recommend a whiskey or two in a quiet safe place AFTER you got your handle on boundaries and validation. Because in order to handle extreme behavior and emotions you have to have all your sense together. Alcohol as self medication in face of abuse is as you indicated is a bad idea.

As Love Is Not Enough indicated at one point in time you got to say NO (actually you don't have to say it, saying in some cases will make the situation worse but acting to protect yourself is what matters).


Yeah and exactly the realization of this vision disables her emotional regulation and drives the fighting. There is no point in telling her but that need to change over time. Going to take some.

Boundaries will be a critical topic for you. Right now I suggest you spend time on learning and practicing validation. Knowing and consciously handling the emotional volatile extremes heading our way reduces their impact. It also helps us to reduce our own invalidations. This will be important also to manage the upsets during the boundary introduction phase.

Personally I started reading books again. I found longer coherent stories calming. Considering her hip thinking it may be worth considering walks (and leave the cell at home).