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I am willing to admit that this could just be me, but I have my suspicions otherwise so I will throw this out for discussion:

I am 50 and in really good shape; however, I do have some hearing loss and it appears to be in the range of, no joke, the normal female vocal range. I also have a difficult time if there is any background noise, such as a crowd of people. My BPDw knows this.  When she is speaking with other people I can hear her just fine.  It seems that when she is speaking with me she deliberately speaks softly so that I can't hear part of what she says.  This of course draws a response of "huh?" from me.  At that point she launches into a speech about how I never listen to her.  If this happens on the phone she will many times hang up on me.

Am I making too much of this, or is she actually using my hearing loss as some sort of weird BPD justificaton to prove to herself that I don't care because I "am not listening".

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Mike_confused, seeing that you do have a hearing loss, it sounds like your BPD is taking advantage of a situation you have not had any control over. Under your circumstances, if you have not done so already, it is a good idea to see an audiologist to deal with your hearing loss.

Above and beyond the game that she is playing with you, it is very practical and necessary for you to get yourself checked by the audiologist, because you don't want to be driving and not hear anything, just for one example.

Frankly, even if your hearing situation is rectified, your BPD will more than likely come up with something else to bother you with. I guess it is just a question of boundaries. Also, your BPD needs to be validated and shown compassion just as much as you need to be validated and shown compassion.

While I have not yet experienced any permanent hearing loss, there was one time when I had so much ear wax, that it really caused difficulty in hearing. Thus, after getting it flushed out, I was a lot better.

I have had my hearing checked and I do have some loss.  I validate my BPDw until I am sick of it.  I constantly do. 

This is another reward for doing so?   She gets to screw with me.  I want to stay with her and have made continual efforts to do so.   However, I know I have a limit.  I am concerned she will push me to the point where I refuse to take anymore. 

My hearing does not normally cause me any difficulties.   Except with her.   It has crossed my mind that the best solution to my hearing would be to not have to listen to my BPDw anymore.

Hi Mike,


I'm not advocating game playing but you could consider a boundary that anything that has not been expressed clearly to you is not your responsibility. Let her hang up - see it a signal of impatience and if needed validate it as that. Not your responsibility.

I'm not so sure she is playing games with you but rather when alone with you speaks faster, with less context and less clear. We often have heard from partners that their SO requires them to mind-read. This can be a sign of enmeshment and an indication of weak boundaries.

The way your wife communicates does not show a great deal of respect. Boundaries are closely linked to respect and lack of rage. So how are you doing on the boundary front in general?

Hmm, I am on the other end of this.  My dBPDh has hearing loss and screams at me because he can't hear me.  I then hang up on him.  My voice is softer and lighter, it has always been that way.  That he even tries to regulate my voice, is infuriating.  If I raise my voice after he complains he can't hear me, then he accuses me of yelling.  This is a real sore spot for me.  It is common that men lose women's pitch and women lose men's pitch.  So, unless there is some real evidence that she is changing her voice, I would think it is just your hearing.  The phone makes it much worse than in person.  It would be one thing if my dBPDh would say, "I am having a hard time hearing you."  Instead he screams, "YOUR VOICE IS TOO HIGH PITCHED!".  So, it would seem how you handle it would matter.

I have established firm boundaries all my life.   ALL my life.   When she bumps into one of those boundaries, particularly on a phone call she then hangs up.  I have never been a push over.

Something said above actually hits the nail on the head... . my BPDw speaks with out context.  Many times her statements come out as partial thoughts.   It never sinks in with me.