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Title: Am I understanding validation? Post by: HoldingAHurricane on March 31, 2014, 07:50:40 AM I suggested seeing his therapist which he has agreed to, after his initial refusal. He has informed me that the purpose of going to the therapist is to hash out an agreement for our divorce. I agreed to attend. His therapist always asks why we have come. Can I check in to see if I am getting the validation right? I was thinking of saying:
I'm here because dBPDh is really important to me and I want to support him. I can see he is under a crushing amount of pressure and it is overwhelming. I hope that today we will be able to think through what is happening because I find that we both often regret trying to make decisions about our future in times of extreme stress. Is there a better way of saying this? Is it the right technique to use? Title: Re: Am I understanding validation? Post by: thicker skin on March 31, 2014, 07:59:38 AM Are you going to therapy to thrash out your divorce or to prevent one?
Title: Re: Am I understanding validation? Post by: HoldingAHurricane on March 31, 2014, 04:30:44 PM My husband has invited me on the basis that he wants to talk about divorce. I know I can't prevent it if that what he has or will decide but I want to prevent it if I can.
Title: Re: Am I understanding validation? Post by: an0ught on April 01, 2014, 02:01:01 AM Hi HoldingAHurricane,
so your H has threatened or at the very minimum mentioned divorce. Sounds to me like a big deal. Maybe big only because of b&w thinking but it is a big word in any case. Not seeing you acknowledging this so it may be invalidating. Title: Re: Am I understanding validation? Post by: thicker skin on April 01, 2014, 10:09:32 AM Perhaps your best approach might be to agree. I can see that you'd rather be going to improve your relationship, but in agreeing to go, you're also giving him the impression that you're on the same page.
You can but try it. It's not legally binding, after all and you may just get an opportunity to open other channels of communication that improve rather than dissolve your marriage. I hope you get the out come you want. Title: Re: Am I understanding validation? Post by: HoldingAHurricane on April 01, 2014, 07:49:18 PM Thank you for your direction. I had a few minutes with the therapist as my husband was late. He asked me to start and I said I thought that my husband was having a flight response to his stressors and redirecting all his feelings to me and our relationship. He has worked with my husband for over a year now and they have a pretty robust relationship. I was surprised when he took the lead and after filling him in on what I said, said he was going to focus on helping us work things out.
We unpacked a few things that my husband thought and I found that helpful, along with some of his other observations. I'm not sure where we are at after that. I find the uncertainty the hardest to live with. |