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Title: how should i respond to her silent treatment w/o enabling BPD Post by: sixtysecond on April 01, 2014, 12:07:00 AM What should I say to get things moving away from my wife's silent treatment?
So my wife with BPD got mad about something I did a few weeks ago (I didn't like HER angry response, either) - and she pretty much hasn't been talking to me. She'll respond if I say good night when I go to bed or hi when i get home but nothing more. I read a little about the recommended SET response when the person is actually talking, but do you have any suggestions for what I should or could say to get things moving in the face of this silent thing? In the past I was always desperate to get things back to normal and I think that desperation showed and she withheld warmth/kindness until I apologized (kind of like a demanding bully). In this case I didn't pursue trying to get her back to be warm/kind because (a) I didn't see that I really did anything wrong and (b) I was mad about her anger patterns, and (c) I finally got confirmation from a a second and a third person that she has BPH (which is when I joined this site) and I don't want to repeat unhealthy patterns. Thanks for your input! Title: Re: how should i respond to her silent treatment w/o enabling BPD Post by: scallops on April 01, 2014, 07:39:05 AM Dear sixtysecond
The silent treatment is pretty hard to take... . I am sorry you are struggling with your W. Have you read any of the resourses here? BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0) This article addresses the problem. Is this your first post? I just wondering more about your situation. Is your W getting any therapy? Is your W anger the biggest problem right now? Keep posting ... . and welcome here Title: Re: how should i respond to her silent treatment w/o enabling BPD Post by: maxen on April 02, 2014, 09:43:11 AM hi sixtysecond and i join scallops in saying *welcome*
we have a wealth of resources here at bpdfamily and i hope you wil follow the links that scallops gives you here and DreamFlyer and Mutt gave you on the other thread. we also have an active community who are ready to listen and to offer from their own experiences. may i suggest the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0) board? in addition to the support you will get from the posters, there are educational materials on the right hand side of that page which may help clarify your thinking. please keep posting sixtysecond! Title: Re: how should i respond to her silent treatment w/o enabling BPD Post by: an0ught on April 02, 2014, 02:13:22 PM What should I say to get things moving away from my wife's silent treatment? So my wife with BPD got mad about something I did a few weeks ago (I didn't like HER angry response, either) - and she pretty much hasn't been talking to me. She'll respond if I say good night when I go to bed or hi when i get home but nothing more. I read a little about the recommended SET response when the person is actually talking, but do you have any suggestions for what I should or could say to get things moving in the face of this silent thing? SET may be useful here at times however validation (the whole spectrum of negative emotions) may be more important than communicating any facts. Of course if facts are to be communicated (like "I know you are mad at me, don't really want to talk. I have to tell you that the car is broke." then SET is the way to go (probably followed by a lot of validation to get through her frustration about the broken car). In the past I was always desperate to get things back to normal and I think that desperation showed and she withheld warmth/kindness until I apologized (kind of like a demanding bully). In this case I didn't pursue trying to get her back to be warm/kind because (a) I didn't see that I really did anything wrong and (b) I was mad about her anger patterns, and (c) I finally got confirmation from a a second and a third person that she has BPH (which is when I joined this site) and I don't want to repeat unhealthy patterns. Silent treatments are hard to deal with and your's has been going on for a very long time . I would occasionally extend an olive branch and offer her an opportunity to save face. Maybe others with silence treatment experience can help? Title: Re: how should i respond to her silent treatment w/o enabling BPD Post by: ziniztar on April 02, 2014, 02:34:36 PM Validate the need for silence and space. Tell you accept it, and will leave her alone until she needs it. Don't show how much it affects you. But let her know she is always welcome to open up again (that would be the olive branch Anought is talking about).
It feels counterintuitive but it's the quickest way to get things back to normal again. DO NOT APOLOGIZE if you do not feel like it (do not validate the invalid) as you learn her that she can control you by withholding communication. It hurts, I know. But this really helps to minimize the treatment in time. Also, read up on SET, check the video on validation (the entire hour, yes) and start implementing the techniques. It could make the silent treatments happen less often :). Title: Re: how should i respond to her silent treatment w/o enabling BPD Post by: itgirl on April 03, 2014, 01:04:35 AM I have been on the receiving end of silent treatment a few times and its horrible. My personality is the exact opposite. I can’t stay angry for long and usually want to fix things immediately.
After pushing and forcing conversations I soon realized that this is not working. I finally gave up and just gave her the space. This usually worked. I don’t know why but it does. More often than not she was giving me the silent treatment because of acute shame. She did not know how to apologize or what to say... so she procrastinates. I just kept doing my day to day things. Walk the dogs and be my happy self. Hang in there. It will pass. |