BPDFamily.com

I've been lurking here and at other discussion groups for a long long time.  I start to type my frustrations of my life, but so often it turns into a novel, page after page, of me just complaining about the daily struggles of being married to a BPD wife.

What I'm wondering specifically is that it's occurred to me that I see a distinct difference between the stories of men who have BPD wives, and the women who have BPD husbands.  The most common difference I see is the humiliation/aggression factors- it seems like a lot of BPD men spit, taunt, and physically or verbally abuse/humiliate their SO's, whereas the BPD wives tend to be more manipulative and vindictive on a more psychological level.

So, like I said, is it just me?

I don't know. My dBPDh is very vindictive and psychologically manipulative.  He is very good at convincing people that don't know me that he is the victim.  It is really kind of scary, in that he is a really good liar.  He doesn't choose to be around people that know me because they don't buy his crazy stories.  He has been physically and verbally abusive, all of which he lies about and portrays himself as the victim.  The  vindictive and manipulative behaviors are much more dangerous than the other because he is very convincing.

Often this is a perception of the partner, eg a woman is more intimated by physical threat, whereas a male is more intimidated by the mental manipulations. These then become the concerns raised fueling the perception this is the way it is. In reality both sexes can display mental and physical abuse. Women can actually lash out physically with contact more than men as it is felt to be less of an evil, and does less physical damage.

Very difficult to ascertain. Yes you are correct that the mental manipulation side is more 'in tune' with the female BPD to a certain extent, although each one is different, patterns remain the same. Be wary of anything that really triggers yourself. I was fairly solid in my relationship but my lapse came with social media. During devaluation, she would start posting pictures of herself over time increasing male attention, and also pseudo cryptic messages implying she was about to date other people if we had had an arguement. Once she saw the damage and distress this was causing me I was mincemeat. It increased over time and became her main tool for manipulation. So in retrospect, I should have kept emotionally on the ground - easier said than done when you know deep down they are 'checking out' of the relationship and you are desperately trying to claw back the idealisation phase.

So, watch for patterns, stay firm and try to show that some things do not bother you. Very much easier said than done.