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I've been struggling with this for a really long time. In my FOO, negative feelings were frowned upon. If anyone got angry, they were suggested to go to their room until they could "stop being nasty." I learned to repress anger, which apparently is a good way to develop depression and passive-aggressivity. Although it was ok for me to express sadness while young, as I got older I was taught that "men don't cry" so I learned to repress that as well. The last time I allowed myself to really cry was over 20 years ago.

As I grew up I learned to use my rationalizing mind to repress feelings more effectively. I could be very cold and calculating in how to best apply the passive-aggressive tactic. Very rarely, anger would overwhelm me, and I would get extremely worked up and scream almost to the point of sobbing. Then I would just shut down and go numb. Usually this only happened with people I was very close with. Once with a boss and a time or two with roommates. Mostly, though, whenever I'd have a reason to get upset with someone, I would stuff it and respond with passive-aggressiveness.

Things were a little different with my uBPDexgf. The majority of the time, my anger towards her was as easily repressed as it was with anyone else. I learned that acting numb to her drama was the most hurtful thing I could do, so I did it most of the time. Every once in a while, it would build up and build up and then I would explode. I would scream and yell and call her the most hurtful things that I could think of. It was almost cathartic, and reinforced my belief that only someone that I loved so passionately could make me rage so much. However, if she got so worked up that she got physical with me, I would fight back. I would get overwhelmed and push, shove, hit, and once I even put my hands around her throat. I feel tremendous shame in this, and I make no excuse for my behavior. Rage is a powerful and horrifying thing. These occurrences help me further rationalize the repression of my anger, because I'm genuinely scared of what I might do if I were to lose control of my anger again.

So, the issue now is that I can't see how to work my way through the grieving or abandonment cycles because I can't get past the anger stage. It's just too terrifying and shameful for me to get in touch with a feeling that I've been told my whole life to avoid. It's something that keeps coming up with my T, but I don't feel like I've been able to make any real progress. I was curious if anyone else can identify with getting stuck in recovery because of anger issues? Has anyone overcome it? And (most importantly) HOW?

Thanks y'all.

Good Self-Inquiry Question Yogeek!

I had the opposite actually - great at doing anger (allowed in FOO), but tears were not at all.  "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" parenting.  Either way, led to the same result - not fully grieving our hurts and fears... . stuffing them.  Overcoming them took some pretty deep therapy sessions that I didn't necessarily do willingly.  It was only with enough pain that I succumbed to going "all in."


Well, it it super scary to go into that dark place - it takes courage and faith that you will be ok by going that deep.  Has your T tried using any "empty chair" work or role playing techniques to help you get into those feelings?  Writing letters to your "child Yogeek" - something that can help you get out of your logical brain and into the emotional side.

Thanks, SB. It's been something my T and I have danced around for a while, but I whenever she tries to take me deeper, I get really scared of losing control of my anger or sadness and just close down. I haven't tried any role-playing or other techniques because to me it just seems fake, like I could go through the motions of the exercise and I wouldn't get any results. Of course I haven't ever tried these techniques so I don't know how I came to that conclusion - it's probably just a rationalization because of that fear again.

It's like you said - only with enough pain. The times I have let some anger or grief show has been during situations when I was being hurt very badly. Then the anger or grief starts to erupt out of me. It's almost like I have to be caught off guard by the pain before my rational mind can start stuffing the feelings for me to feel any release. So when I try to get in touch with them in a safe and controlled manner, I just can't get through the defenses that I've built around them.

I know I have these feelings locked up deep inside me, and I know the only way to heal from this, and all the other hurtful relationships in my life, is to find a way to express these feelings so they don't have power over me anymore. But the most frustrating truth is that I know that the only one keeping me from getting better is me.

Anyway, thanks for your input.

I remember thinking it was ridiculous too - you are not alone in feeling that way.

BUT, I got  to the point where I was willing to try because what I was doing was not working.  It is powerful and very freeing.  It is nothing to FEAR - nothing worse happens than you feel now... . you are at the bottom and this can be a rope to help you up.


It is a survival technique, very similar to what happens with pwBPD actually - the behavior looks different, but the coping style is similar to not feeling the feelings.  Nothing wrong with it, but with enough stuffed emotions (emotion is energy in motion) we will blow one way or another.

Do you trust your T?


That truth does not make it any less scary.  Be kind to yourself.

Courage - doing something in the face of fear... . when have you been courageous before?  Think about it, we spend our lives being courageous - you have the skill set to do this.