BPDFamily.com

Okay, here is my attempt to ask a shorter question, now that this issue has become more simple.  DH's parenting plan calls for him having father's day weekend.  Any changes to the summer plans must be requested by other parent on April 1.  Summer time is divided into two week blocks, but the tricky part is the parenting plan is not crystal clear on WHEN that transition happens, so every year it is a negotiation.  This year, the dates make the obvious transition on fathers day, so DH assumed he would have the kids the first two weeks after that. 

We have reservations at a campground on the beach about 10 hours away starting the day after fathers day.  We had planned to take two days drive to get there.  The kids' cousin is flying in from another state before fathers day to join us, and she has her heart set on being with her favorite cousins.  The tickets are purchased.

Around May 1, BPD mom informed DH she wanted to take the kids to an important family wedding out of state on father's day.  She would like to stay until the end of the weekend after fathers day. She is asking earlier than she ever has, being nicer about it than she ever has, and is going to DH rather than through the kids, which is what she usually does. 

As to what DH thinks is best for the kids, he thinks time with mom's family is important, and they have had very little. This will be increasingly important as mom gets older, as she is not very able to care for herself; he thinks it is important to keep their commitment to their cousin; and he thinks it is important to stick with the parenting plan most of the time.  Also, the wedding is very important to the kids, they have been planning to attend all year, mom just does not have it together to see that this fell on fathers day and to understand she has to ask DH more than a month in advance, as some people plan more than a month in advance... .

So, DH is considering one of two options:  1) Saying no, kids cannot go to the wedding-we have plans.  Risks of this are that she takes the kids just after fathers day, and because the parenting plan is unclear, he has no legal recourse; 2) He allows the kids to go to the wedding, with the agreement that they be at the airport we pass on our way to camping on the day after fathers day.  Risk here is that if they are not there, we are stuck in an RV at an airport, the kids in another state, no one has the money to pay for the flight. 

What do you think?  Should we take the risk, let them go, pick them up on our way to the beach?  Or not let them go, deal with the kids total rage, and stick with plan A, knowing that there is a possibility she could get a court to let her take them during the camping trip?  What do you think? 

It's a calculated risk either way. You either risk a court order and angry kids making you the bad guys or you risk getting stuck at the airport waiting for kids who aren't coming, making you either have to court for contempt saying she didn't abide by the agreement, or just have your plans ruined without consequences to her.  So I guess it depends on history. Has she been behaving badly lately? Has she honestly given you reason to believe that she won't do the right thing? Has she not followed agreements in the last six months or so? Or is getting to have them on Father's Day by itself enough of an inconvenience and a "win" for her that she'll follow the agreement?

Only you and your husband know how she is likely to act based on history. The BPD mom I deal with is very different. For instance, if it was my kid's BPD biomom there is no way we would ever agree to the kids going because she has a long history of sabotaging my fiance's parenting time and this will be the first year of their lives that he will actually be getting to see them on Father's Day. So I'd suggest taking a hard look at who she is and making the best judgement based on that.

How much does it cost to change the cousin's ticket? Maybe BPD mom would agree to pay the difference or fees to chance tickets so that cousin can fly back later in summer to accommodate the wedding.

DH decided to let the kids go with mom for the Fathers Day weekend, so long as she could produce plane reservations for them for the following day.  It is risky, but it seemed like the best thing to do, mainly for the kids, less so for the purpose of avoiding legal problems.  The amazing thing is that though mom has been drinking more and is behaving aggressively with others, she was very nice and grateful about this choice.  The first time DH has "given in" and she has been actually grateful, rather than more mean.  Normally, we make a choice, and whether it is what she wanted or not, she is more angry.  The plus side of this is that we have been trained to make choices for the kids and our reasons, and to just ignore her response... . but it is really nice when we give up some special time with the kids and she is happy about it! 

So we shall see if she meets the agreement... .