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It occured to me that in the aftermath of 11 months of a failed marriage relationship with a man with BPD, this is how the survivors of a Tsunami must feel.

Some force of nature swept  into my life, swept everything aside, churned everything up and dragged me about.  I tried to tread water, gasping for breath, before the maelstrom pulled me back under, again and again.  I tried to find direction, make sense of what was going on, but the waves just churned and rolled in, over and over.  Finally, as I was being sucked out to sea, I clung to an uprooted tree and lay there for a bit, finding my breath again, drying out in the sun, assessing my wounds.  A way out of the roiling water presented itself to me, and I gingerly started walking away.  The further away I got, the more I realised that I needed to keep on putting more distance between myself and the water in order to recover my strength and find my way again.

In the aftermath of piecing together what the hell happened these past months, I feel really drained and spent.  I am glad to be in a calm space again, on my own, with my peace of mind returning.  It could have turned out far worse for me.  I could have succumbed much more to the chaos that presented itself to me in the form of my soon to be ex BPDh.

I was able to extricate myself from a very toxic relationship, that would have damaged both of us even more with the progression of time.

I had some contact from him after he moved away, but since 09th May there has been no sign of life from him.  I am getting used to not having him in my life at all.  I think about him many times a day still, I cannot help but wonder how he is doing and where he is.  I pray for him daily.  I am so thankful to be away from all the intense chaos and confusion.

How did you prevent this from happening?

Your description of living through a tsunami is vivid and so apt. I am glad you are finding your way. All the best.

It happened for me, Cumulus. I was still determined to see the relationship through for at least another year. I remember telling my sister that I would try another year, and if there was no sign of things changing for the better, I would make a decision to divorce my BPDh.

But then, my soon to be ex BPDh's chaos took care of things and forced a decision.  He said he was going to organise a divorce. I was sick in bed at home that day, and I remember lying in a feverish state, too weak to think.  I just said "Ok".  Then he disappeared with my car and when he came back home in the afternoon, he turned it on me as usual and said "You rather handle the divorce".  Again, I just said "Ok".  In hindsight, I think he blindsided himself and me.  And I was just battle-weary and drained and I had no resistance any more to anything.  The next day, I went back to work and I phoned the lawyer to start divorce proceedings.  I almost had a recycle, we were sleeping in seperate rooms, but when I got up to use the bathroom one night, he called to me and I went to him. I lay next to him and we seemed to have such a calm connection. In a rare moment of physical affection, he tenderly stroked my hair and I cried and cried.  He wanted to get physically intimate, but I just could not.  But in my heart, I was having second thoughts about the finality of divorce and for a few hours I was convinced that I needed to call it off with the lawyer.

But, there was the realisation that I could not carry on this way.  It had only been 11 months, but I was feeling dire and the situation was dire.  My husband was emotionally manipulating and abusing me because of his condition, I had lost half of my savings, we using all my monthly paycheque and not saving anything, he had no intention or prospects to find employment. It just all looked so dire and depressing and joyless.  I was losing all my joy in life.  I could not realistically see this as being my future.  I am almost 45 years, and I do not have that much time left to rebuild my life every time a relationship fails. 

So, by default, thanks to a rash action on the part of my soon to be ex BPDh, I got out.  And I kept on going.  Despite the pain. Despite the confusion. Despite the self-recrimination  and guilt. I kept on walking away.  And I keep on doing so.