BPDFamily.com

I had to deal with uBPDx's extreme anxiety over our babies when they were born. It was what she had internalized from her mother, pretty much. It was such that I was forbidden from bathing the kids for their first 6 months or so, and all sorts of anxieties or superstitions that I won't go into.

Later, if S4 got even a scratch, his mom would blame me for not watching him or taking care of him properly. Naturally, I took on much anxiety myself for this. Luckily, I was able to get her to calm down from over-parenting in this regard.

This last week, S4 came home with a skinned lip, a good bruise in his leg, and decent abrasions on his arm and leg. His mom emailed me that they were downtown and she took him the local college campus (I am surprised she admitted this to me, since that is where her paramour goes... . there really isn't a reason to be down there except for that). If the shoe had been on the other foot? I would have gotten all sorts of criticism and rage based upon her past behaviors. For instance, when S4 was around 8 months old I "let" him fall asleep on my shoulder before his bath time, and in an instant she got so engaged she slammed the refrigerator door hard enough so that all of the contents came out and made a huge mess on the kitchen floor. All because he "had" to take a bath.

The fact that I didn't make a big deal out of this incident, I hope, leads her to mirror my objectivity. Kids are kids. I know I won't get that time "back" but at least she's more "normal" now.

I think... .

Reciprocity is an iffy thing, so don't count on it.  Save this email from her.  Maybe if/when something like that happens on your watch then you can inform her as a "Reply" to this email.  Then if she freaks out you can then at least have her prior email chained to yours.

That was actually a phone conversation. I minimize these as much as possible, since if she calls (other than for something logistical) or requests a call, I feel it's something that she doesn't want documented. I wish I had done this through email when I found out she had replaced me with her young bf in the kids' eyes which was causing behavior problems with them. That was a phone conversation. I just documented the basics in my journal.

I successfully have dovetailed another request for a call into emails in the past. However, she texted me to talk about papers yesterday, and I thought it was to talk about S4's school coming up, so I called back. It was about her questioning the support amount we served her with. I made the conversation BIFF, and referred her to contact my lawyer's office (which is what he said to do from now on. She doesn't have a L... . yet). I may have to go back to the Legal Board at some point if this drags on... .

What is applicable here is that she asked how the kids were this weekend (I took them out of town, swimming and other activities). I said they were fine, shared a little information, like S4's usual short acting out, D2 stoic as usual, loved swimming... . here I might lose my boundaries because the one person I feel the desire to talk to about parenting is the one person I don't want to talk to. I'm one of the rare low-conflict cases here, but I set firm boundaries back when we were still living together. LC=less potential for arguments or fights. Then she said, "I hope you'll tell me if something's going on with them and that they are ok." I replied that I would (with crossed fingers behind my back), but that they were fine.

They weren't excited about going back with her (they never are), but they were ok with it. I think she's trying to rope her bf into their lives again, more slowly than she did last time which caused them to act out against both of us. There was no reason for her to be on the college campus she said she was at when S4 was running and fell other than to see him. She's fishing for information. I'm not volunteering anything. So the less we talk on the phone, and the less we see each other, the less chance I have of slipping up. I've been going out of town on my non-kid weekends, so haven't had the chance to see her even at my church, where she had started bringing the kids on her Sundays. I checked the Sunday school log this past weekend, and I saw that she didn't bring the kids there when I wasn't there, so I think a lot of her bringing the kids is about seeing me, and looking for my approval of her mothering. Still my Hermit-Waif D32 

Queen and Witch are lurking underneath, though, which is why I'm LC as much as possible. I took care of signing up S4 for school, I'll be out of town this weekend again. It could be well over a month before I physically see her for some reason, and that's fine with me. After the papers are signed (praying), my boundaries tighten more... .