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Last week was going pretty well. I was getting back into running after recovering from an injury, I got to see my T for the first time in a while, we talked about approaching online dating as I'm over 3 moths NC with my ex, and I was on my way out of town for the weekend for my cousin's wedding. Then I get a FB message from an old friend my ex and I used to live with. Apparently people on her FB page hadn't seen her in a while and were getting worried, he was checking with me to see if I knew anything. My ex struggles with alcoholism, and going off the social network map usually indicates a binge. So my mind starts racing thinking about all the horrible things that could have happened to her. I felt my anxiety rising and started to entertain thoughts about reaching out to her to make sure she was ok. I guess I'm getting better because I didn't do any of that. But it still bothered me when periodically throughout the weekend.

So I made it through the wedding weekend and realized on the drive home Sunday that I hadn't been worrying about my ex much at all. I was pleasantly surprised that the obsessive anxiety only lasted a few days. I got home and decided to reactivate my profile on a dating website. Well, my ex shows up in my matches.    I see that she's been active earlier in the day, so at least I don't have to worry she's in trouble, but now new anxiety starts to show up. She's on a dating site so that means things with my replacement must have fizzled. I start scouring her profile and find a question she's answered about whether there's an ex she would date again. Her answer is yes - she's got to be talking about me, right? I read everything on her page over and over. Idealization starts cranking and I stare at her pictures for far too long. Somehow, I fight the urge to send her a message and agonizingly press the button to hide her profile.

Monday was rough. Idealization, grief, anger, loneliness and self-pity constantly paraded through my consciousness. But by the end of the day, after venting to a few people about it, and constantly trying to redirect my attention to the present moment, I started feeling better. I went for a nice run after work and then spent a few hours checking out potentials on the dating site. The thought to unhide my ex's profile was pleasantly absent, for the most part. I still don't feel like I'm really past it all, yet, but I can see definite improvement in my reaction to the sucker punches life hit me with this weekend, and a significant reduction in the duration of my ruminations.

So, for the doubters - there is hope, things do get easier, and you can get through the ups and downs of life without your exBPD and without having to go back to old behaviors. For me, it's just taking longer than I want. I guess my lesson today is - Patience.

A friend once told me that when you say you are done. The universe will test you to see if you are done. Maybe that was your test right there. Seems like you got an A+ my friend. Bravo to you.

AG couldn't of said it any better Yogeek. Bravo.