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So my daughter (4) saw someone in the grocery store tonight that looked like my exuBPD's boyfriend and asked if it was him.  When I said it wasn't she said "mommy told me not to tell you anything about xxxxx because it will scare you away."  Now I'm sure my ex told her this because, my daughter had told me she met the boyfriend and this was only a month (or less) after they started seeing each other and my ex knows it's not good for D to meet him so soon. 

Now I couldn't care less about him or them (except how it relates to my D), but my concern is that the ex is telling D not to share what she wants with me and worse, that sharing will scare me

Any thoughts?

I let my two boys tell me anything they want. They learned to trust me because I never betrayed their confidence.

If you were not scared than let D know that. Honest discussions and validating a child's feelings goes a long way to helping them grow.

Our two boys learned years ago not to share with their mom because of the potential negative consequences. That is between their mom and them.

I would do exactly what david said -- I found that asking questions helped me when I was caught off guard or shocked by anything S12 said. You can ask D4 questions so she can learn for herself if this behavior is ok, how she feels. And then you validate that her feelings are real, and they're ok. And so is her decision to tell you, because you're being safe and supportive.

"Why do you think mommy said that?"

"How did you feel when mommy said that?"

"It makes me sad that you felt you couldn't tell me. Did you feel sad?"

"Are you afraid that I might get scared away and won't see you?"

In other words, try to ignore the issue and focus on how she feels. There is probably a murky sense that she doesn't like what her mom has said, that's why she is telling you. So your response is about validating her feelings -- that helps her know what her feelings are, instead of what her mom tells her to feel. And you teach her that it's safe to confide in you. She can come to you if she feels scared by something her mom says, and you won't get angry or abandon her or tell her how to feel.

So much of parenting is about ignoring the content and focusing on the feelings our kids are having. We can process the content after when we are among grown-ups.

Another thing I learned is that do-overs are ok. Maybe this is trickier with a 4 year old who moves on quickly, but as she gets older. If you regret not handling something the right way, you can always revisit.

Thanks for the replies.   I have told her that nothing can scare me away and that she can tell me anything she wants at any time.   Livednlearned, that is really good advice and some great questions. She has since brought up the boyfriend,  so hopefully she feels comfortable.

Half of me wants to tell the ex not to dissuade D4 from telling me anything,  but the rational half knows that would be of no consequence at best, or even cause further issues.

My xBPDw left in 2007. I tried co parenting the first year. Discussing things with ex made it worse for our boys. She used the boys to get at me.

I stopped co parenting and switched to parallel parenting. Ex did not like it. She would call or text and attack me about all kinds of things. I got rid of texting and went to email only communication. Eventually ex realized that was the only way I would communicate. I still get emails attacking me but they have decreased from about 35 to 40 a month to less than 5.

Once I stopped co parenting I noticed the boys opened up more. It took a while. Our oldest tried first and our youngest listened and learned. I also made sure that I let them know that things told in confidence would remain that way. I stopped informing ex of things they were telling me.

In 2012 our youngest had an issue at his moms that he didn't know how to handle. I listened and he asked me for help. I tried to give him suggestions and he said no to all of them because he didn't think they would work. I silently agreed but I thought it important to go through the motions and let him figure it out. He already had it figured out and that was something I was not sure of until then. He asked me to talk to mom about it. He indicated he would probably get yelled at but he wanted my help. I sent an email to ex. Ex attacked me big time. I did not reply to the attack. I was concerned for S9. The next time I seen him he thanked me for helping him out. Apparently ex did the right thing and just yelled at them about me. She still says things about me to them. They tell me what she says and I mostly listen. The boys have come to the conclusion that when things don't go the way mom wants them to go she gets angry and yells a lot. They can usually tell when the eruption is about to occur and simply get away from her.

I gets easier as the boys got older. One, they trust me more. Two, they are able to communicate better. Three, they have learned coping strategies in dealing with their mom. Both have different methods. They have found what works best for them. The sad part of it all is that she has taught them to distance themselves from her. She has boys from her first marriage. One is total NC, another is LC, and the other has serious substance abuse issues which she is enabling. The two that are NC and LC are doing well. I have a great relationship with them. They helped relieve a lot of my fears for the two younger boys.