BPDFamily.com

My BPDh is threatening divorce and suicide, because my adult daughters have said things that hurt him due to his interpretation of intent, and I don't stop them. Meanwhile, his daughter loved me when we visited her. We have a therapist appointment in 10 days, but he says he won't go because he's triedceverything. I sent the police to check on him, because of the suicide threats. Now he is mad that I supposedly lied to them. We are so close to gettingvthe help we need, and he's throwing it all away. So much drama. Maybe I should ignore it as a true threat?

Have your SOs made threats like this and then backed down? I am so frustrated and worried about the trap he is ultimately building for himself. Maybe my responding is only making it worse. It's really overwhelming,  trying to decide the next best move.  :'( :'(

Hi LovesKevin,

dealing with suicide threats can be scary, exhausting and leaving you emotionally drained  . There is limited things you can do - check out our general safety material here: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm. As important as it helping are boundaries and taking care of yourself. You did not cause this and you are not responsible for him - you already took a big step involving the police - of course if you have further immediate concerns you may have to take other steps.


The best you can do in a crisis is often not to make it worse. A typical instinctive misstep many make is to invalidate the distressed person. We want to make them feel better and we know the situation is not as bad as they make it - however the pwBPD does perceive the reality in a different and opposite way and our kind words make matters worse. Validating negative emotions takes guts as we have to spell out things we may fear ourselves, which are uncomfortable or are not what we feel but know the other side feels. He is in a crisis mode and for him it is the end of the world as he knows it - and who are we to dispute that - it is important for him to know that others know that he feels this is a total disaster, mega crisis etc... . He probably also feels that the upcoming session is scary (and for that reason declares it hopeless etc.). Again it is important not to dispute the hopeless but to express insecurity, fear of the upcoming session to enable him to regulate his fears.


Don't think "because". This was simply a trigger which brought to surface a lot of unprocessed emotions. In real life our emotions are going to be excited sooner or later - the key is getting back to a balanced state. The strategy when dealing with a pwBPD is not avoiding triggers (aka walking on eggshells) but to enable the person to better regulate through validation, more respect and independence (boundaries).

The LESSONS contain pointers to workshop on validation and boundaries.

I read the lessons you mentioned. It really helped give me perspective to undersfand better what he is going through. I see some errors I have made. I am strong, and I have the heart for this. I am so afraid he will give into his feeling hopeless and take one of the solutions he sees, divorce or death. It is so frustrating to see him trapped by thoughts and feelings that seem to me to have much simpler solutions, like calling his therapist/coach or using the DBT tools he's supposed to be learning in his skills group. I've been trying to avoid the argument,  trying to avoid disagreeing, and simply say "Let's wait until we meet with the therapist. " That is still a week away, and now I see how that was invalidating to him, because he is in full crisis. I'm working hard to just be validating now, and hang on for the ride until then.

This forum is so helpful. It's keeping me sane in the middle of the tornado.