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Title: "I just made you up to hurt myself" Post by: sea_of_wounds on July 01, 2014, 12:01:41 AM This NIN lyric popped into my head just now. In so many ways, I feel like I kept "making up" the good, loving, true, emotionally deep, caring, charming person---kept "making up" that side of her, even when all the red-flag kept telling me it was just one of the many, many masks she wore, all to achieve a certain goal when it suited her mood, her need.
But I chose to keep creating and re-creating the beautiful side of her, the one I loved so much, despite all the horrible pain, shame, humiliation, discardment, and abuse. It all seemed so real. I wish I had understood what she meant when she kept telling me she felt like "an alien". She was always calling herself an alien. I used to think it was a kind of endearing self-effacement--a sign that she was humble, felt a little socially awkward, etc. Her smugness and self-aggrandisement, self-entitlement, lack of empathy---it killed that notion---but it was a slow, slow death. I still think that beautiful side of her is the "real" side. But every side of her is just as real---all of them compartmentalised. All of them switching on and off at will, depending on the circumstance. Too many masks. Too many lies. Too much pain. Title: Re: "I just made you up to hurt myself" Post by: Blimblam on July 01, 2014, 12:55:46 AM I still think that beautiful side of her is the "real" side. But every side of her is just as real---all of them compartmentalised. All of them switching on and off at will, depending on the circumstance. Too many masks. Too many lies. Too much pain. yea. Depending on who she is trying to please. They sure do love playing the different sides against each other. |