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So today we had a massive blow up. We had been texting all day. Quite lovely and affectionate. Just normal. But within 8-10 minutes of arriving home. I said something that annoyed her and it was on. I tried to be strong and use the techniques I had learned on this board and that I had discussed with her. Attempted not to disengage and attempted not to JADE whilst practicing SET but she wore me down over time and I eventually snapped. Before this I tried to acknowledge the situation and say that be both need time to cool down and come to baseline but she was having nothing of it and continued to hurl abuse about how I am terrible and don't deserve anything and am worthless.

I personally escalated the situation and whilst I may not have started it I did obviously hurt her or made her feel bad at some point by accident and by what I said. I failed because I had all this techniques but couldn't use them properly. In future what can I do? What do I do now to get back to normal? I left the house and went to see my brother as the abuse was getting too much to handle and I needed a time out. I feel like this triggered her abandonment issues and I couldn't resist getting into a ridiculous text arguement with her whilst trying to explain and justify myself. I feel like such a fool. I should know better. It has been 2-3 months now and with my techniques I can generally keep her at bay but not today.

Help would be appreciated.

In a sad way, I want to welcome you to my horrible club.  The reality here is, that when people are abusing us, no matter how much we try to keep our cool, we eventually snap.  It sounds like that is what happened to you.  That's why people here have told me to take a time out the minute the abuse starts, because if you don't it will become impossible to not JADE and things could get much, much worse (such as the police being called).

As for not triggering her abandonment issues - well, I failed at that this weekend because I walked away from abuse, and she claims I triggered her worse by walking away.  Really, that is her issue, though.  I have a right to not be abused.  So do you.  Period.  I'm thinking you can try and avoid the abandonment triggers by communicating with her about timeouts and their importance beforehand, when she isn't dysregulated.  So, at some point in the future you can try to validate her concerns of abandonment, but saying that when she is angry you need to walk away not to punish her but to clear your own head so that you can discuss things more rationally after an appropriate time period.   And when you leave, tell her you are leaving, where you are going, and when you will be back, and that you want to discuss the issue later.  To her, the issue that is making her angry is of vital  importance, so if you just walk away without validating, the pwBPD feels you don't give a crap about her concerns (even if they are the most illogical paranoid concerns you have ever heard).  that's probably where I screwed up - she brought up something so absurd, I didn't validate (or know how to) quick enough, it escalated so fast, I got the hell out of there, and that left her feeling that I didn't care about her anger.

The tools are good for oiling the works, but they wont prevent the occasional failure. Learn to recognize early when it is getting worse and leave, as you did, the earlier you do this the less traumatic the damage.

The tools do start to be more effective, not only as a consequence of you getting better at them, but because as conflict lessons her reactivity lessens, and the triggers are not as sensitive. Be patient, it takes a long time, with many setbacks on the way.

matilda... .like max welcome to our club... I just went through the same thing and have been living to pay for it the past few days... after venting on here allot and studying the lessons over and over again... I went home last night and did some validating soon as I walked in when she hit me with that days and previous days stresses... .I did most important was kept my mouth shut and listened very well so not to respond in anyway to set off a trigger(even though some things were against me and my beliefs)we had a NORMAL evening and enjoyed each other company... plus all the negative energy she has been putting out the past few days  she has physically wore her self out and fell asleep in my arms last night... .so hang in there jump back on the horse and keep on riding down the trail...

I have found it helpful in my r/s to stay away from texting about r/s issues.  That keeps text bombs down.

If you can't text about good things... .then it seems to keep texting about bad things down some.

We only text about "please call  me" or "pick up milk"... .that kind of thing