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My uBPDh's older sister has a lot of power over my husband; she always has. I suspect that she also has BPD, and is probably largely the biggest influence in terms of my husband's traits. But that's a story for another time...

A few moments ago, she called husband to reprimand him for not returning her phone call on HIS birthday (yesterday). The conversation continued as they discussed an upcoming visit of mutual family members. These family members will be in town (where we live) for a work event, and conveniently, we have a few nights available during that week, so we'll be able to spend time with them. His sister became upset by this, as she has been trying to nail down a time for she and her kids to come visit us, but my husband "never responds to her texts." This is not true; he has told her numerous times to pick a weekend and we'll make it work. (Our work schedules are not 9-5; we rarely have 'free' weekends.) This argument spun out over the span of 20 minutes, with my husband being the logical voice and his sister completely dysregulating- interrupting him, talking over him, hurling insults, and completely fabricating lies. He even used the same language with her that I use with him! He was calm and direct and told her that it wasn't productive for them to argue, and he hung up the phone. I was actually very surprised. How can it be that he is capable of being rational in a disagreement with her, but is not capable of being rational with me?  I even heard him say, "You're projecting your own feelings of insecurity onto me". He was right- she totally was!

Has anyone else experienced this role reversal?

I haven't personally witnessed this but it makes sense.

My exgf has had some fairly demanding jobs and has coped with them very well. Now you would expect that because of how they are with us they would crack under the pressure but they don't seem to.

Its as if the pressure allows them to detach from their inner struggle and focus.

Hi Cat21,


I think this type of conflict is very common - a lot - not all - of our partners come from families with issues and have siblings or parents that are at least conflict prone.

What you are describing is imho. actually a very good sign. Your husband is emulating some healthy conflict behavior he picked up from you. I found that these conflicts with external parties - theirs or ours - often present opportunities for exercising different behavior and contain teachable moments. A validating comment in your situation could have been "She was too upset to listen properly. Better to talk another time. Well done hanging up after tried a few times to get through.". When our partners adopt healthier behavior with others chances are that they will at time also do the more difficult step of applying them to something that is much closer to them i.e. us. Also healthier conflict behavior helps to build self esteem and reduces the overall level of conflict in their and thus our life. Especially for learning boundaries standing together and going together through the (e-)motions can be helpful. Unlike validation where there is a win-win boundaries are often a win-lose and that makes it hard to have open communication during a conflict.

It does feel weird to observe and it is important to remember that intra relationship conflicts are emotionally more charged and in addition our ability to observe might then be warped too.

We don't talk much on the board about this transfer of skills to the pwBPD as the focus of the Staying board is squarely on what we can control i.e. ourselves. But when you read stories of members that have been here for a longer while it crops up between the lines. This is one of the reasons we should all be trying to use the tools as well as we can - we are important role models in the medium to long term.

 

Agreed! 

This is good news.

As my family continues to make baby steps in the right direction... .I am trying to look to the future to helping uBPDw deal with "high conflict" in her family.

The usually say it loudly (code for yelling at each other) and then move along.  However... .nothing seems to get solved or decided.  So... they always seem to be circling each other trying to figure out who is up or down on the power scale.

Luckily for me... .my uBPDw seems to care the least about this drama... .however she is still involved.

Thanks formflier and anOught!

I did validate him for ending the convo; I said something like, "You did the right thing. She wasn't listening and clearly needs some time to cool down." Then he said, "She's trying to use guilt to make me feel bad. I know that- I do it, too!" I smiled and said, "Gee, really?" :)