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This is a really good idea for a thread.

I haven't spoke to mine & want to. It's tough.

Almost 6 months NC and free at last!

More than half a year for me. Each day had uphills, downhills, and in between. I say I'm NC, because I am. But more and more, as I hear myself say it, I see that's still including her in the picture when she's not really in it anymore. So I wonder what else can I call it? CMP? Changing My Patterns? Ideas welcome.

3 days NC, already sleeping better, feeling better.

No judgment, she couldn't to do many basic things I needed and had significant blindspots.

I wish her well, and if she got well I'd consider it. But that is probably months way.

Meantime, feels great to have my life back and learn the things I need to so that I will never allow myself to not receive in a relationship again.

I’m allowing myself the designation of NC even though around a month ago I sent her an email reminding her she still owes me money, that it’s been over two years, and it was not a gift …and an address to mail it to.  No response, or $  …She’d sent a couple probes prior to that but I failed to respond, so I feel good :)

But what feels better is having difficulty remembering how long it’s been!  I like that - “half a year!”  I know it’s been seven months – and after as many recycles…  that’s progress.  Been costly though… left my job to sell my home and will be moving from the area.  And have been avoiding a bunch of long-time friends as they’re ‘down there’ in ‘her town’ and I’m up here in the woods…

What I recall most about the NC ordeal is the fact stuff will run through your mind, I just couldn’t shut that off – but – it gets stale, and when nothing new is added, eventually your mind moves on!  Admittedly, hanging ‘around here’ may keep her (uBPDxgf of 3.5 years) bouncing around my head some, but discussing the Facts with those who know remains priceless *)

This is a truth. A sad truth, but truth.

2 months out, one slip up "hearing her out" last week, no compassion but lots of anger and indignation. NC is a weapon. One of the very few at our disposal. Let's carry on using it.

Wrecking balls sure fits

Hang in there.  Remember, NC/LC is not the end game.  NC/LC are tools to help us clear the FOG/addiction and then to learn to detach and depersonalize the Disorder.  And then we can look at ourselves, pick up the pieces of our lives, and then grow into the people we always wanted to be.  Not the false self that is attached to the Disorder, but rather a real self with awareness, esteem and respect.

And this is the person that is best for us and the people we care about.  This is the end game.  Keep the eyes on the prize.

Yes, it can be very difficult.  And it hurts like hell.  But, we're doing it.

And remember, that the Disorder does not destroy our soul.  It destroys our false self.  It's up to us to rediscover our souls.

Aussie, hang in there. Stay no contact to heal yourself like others said. It's not personal for her, only for you.

My ex BPD of a year has been contacting me non-stop for over a month and no matter how much I want to call her I know it is just too easy for her to pull me in to an argument and ___ up a day of mine or even a week. I know it's not healthy. I think of all the times I lost my mind trying to get through to her... .Exasperated... .Stressed... .Financially at a loss and then I say... .Nah I won't call her. At least without her I am in control of my own self, my emotions and my temperament... .Sure she runs through my mind... .She flaunts her relationships daily to me... .She won!... .She says :) but have you ever heard the saying a crazy person will never admit they are crazy?

Well at least I have my sanity back. Who's the winner now? 39 days now... .Not saying it's not tough... .Just saying it gets easier. LC, yea I can't imagine what that might feel like. I'll let others respond... .But as much NC as possible is the best for your recovery... .Not as a weapon against her... .Otherwise your still mad and that's a part of grieving... .It helps you move on no matter how slow. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it's an amazing city. Good luck to all here

Hey Aussie JJ ! Neighbour in fact :)

It sure is difficult going NC. Goes against all my instincts. But its really necessary for healing. i feel for you LC is much harder.

4 months NC for me, and still on my mind 24/7. But I can see progress in myself. 

I can relate to that. I always cooked for her, brought breakfeast in bed, in return, she couldn't even make me a quick brownie.  

I work with my BPD ex and she often makes it a point to try and talk to me, I'm often pretty cold in response, and usually walk away. I made the mistake after missing her deeply of trying to be polite and friendly and of course she was being kind and sweet and when I got home I had a message from her that simply said "I love to watch you squirm."

Learned my lesson.

She also makes it a point to immediately date people in my circle I suspect to further me having to see her. I'm wondering if there is a way to disarm this behavior by being overly friendly in LC or should I stick with ignoring her/NC at work and in public? I no longer want her back at all or anything to do with her really, the reality is I have to see her and I'm wondering what's the best way to go about this?

I also have the problem of working with my ex, although after changing roles recently I rarely see her.  Regarding your strategy, I would say this: acting cold and distant implies to her that you dislike her, which means to her that you are still attached, and thus she still has control over you.  I don't think this is what you want.  I think the best approach is to be cordial with her, not overly friendly, just as superficial and dispassionate as possible. You can say hello to her, just no differently than you would to anyone else. 

And probably you should block her texts/messages. 

IMHO, they work on love and hate. The emotions are very close. The opposite is indifference. Love is not the opposite of hate; indifference is. I'm now heading down the legal route initiated by her. Notwithstanding being 6 weeks out, and NC for  5 days (my fault, i was weak), I know I'll have to see her in depositions and I have to be "cold". If we love or hate, they have us. If we're indifferent they lose. I'm not trying to make it a game, but when your life is on the line its the only way to go. I just hope I can do it when the time comes.

It's so hard isn't it?

My ex hasn't contacted me over the couple of weeks I've been NC. I'm glad about that, but also very sad that she doesn't care how I am or what I'm doing.

It's much better if she doesn't get in touch, but it still makes me depressed. I guess I have nothing for her to take right now.

She would say she's being kind, giving me space, but I can't help wondering what she's doing and feeling.

I'm feeling so sad today, as I realise we didn't experience the same thing at all. I let this person into my life, who just wanted to use me.

I can't help feeling that's all I am worth - I just wanted someone to love me back.

It's so hard, but I won't falter. I know she can only harm me.

3.5 months NC.  Changed my phone # and moved across country (not due to her, but fortunate timing nonetheless).  As far as I know, she doesn't know I've moved and doesn't know my new #, and I plan to keep it that way.  I have no social media for her to stalk.  Forward!   *)

i was LC with my ex since February , at that time we had the typical arguments ( she was refusing to see me to have a normal break up ).She deleted her facebook account ( strange cause i do not use facebook and i couldn't control anything) and she removed (not delete tha account )whatsapp app that we used to text ( but she kept all our conversations/she was checking also when i last joined , she confessed me that  ).Afte 4 months of total NC she reappeared to a forum that we used to post ( after that she said that she will never post again , i have the full story in another topic ) to provoce me and made me break the NC .We had again the typical arguments through e-mails (we exchanged 60 in 5 days! ) and i went again NC .She didn't post anything to this forum after all that.2 days ago and 1 month of NC she reinstall viber app and i received her joined msg ( when we were together she installed both whatsapp and viber just to speak with me ).She never blocked or removed me to her phone , she never blocked me to her e-mail accounts , she never gave me the silent treatmnet and always repplied to any form of communication ( mostly with rage  :)).She never tried to communicate with me directly(even when it was a possible pregnancy in balance -she told me then that she didn;t know how to tell me).

Is it suspicious that she joined again viber or i am getting paranoid ?

Its abandonment that they fear. So much so that they will adandon us to prevent us from being able to abandon them. They know in essence they are hollow and empty and their biggest fear is that we realize that and will leave them.

They NEED space in our head above all else. Even if we were to scream and yell at them incessantly they still have space in our head and most would probably take that over silence from us. Love and Hate are both emotions that speak to them. Reasoning with them does not connect because they can not relate to logic

The only tool we have to self preserve is NC or LC and that in and of itself speaks louder then anything else to them.

I am LC with mine and any contact is via text or e-mail simply because thats the only way to have a cohesive convo with her and its always about the kids from my end. Often she will say I said this or that or yada yada and I just sent her back a copy of the convo and that ends the discussion. Verbal communication would not give me this advantage

She asks how is so and so or family and I simply do not acknowledge the question. If we did verbal communication any response would illicit another question or silence would put her in a rage. I simply will not play the game with her because shes an emotional and Spiritual bully

I've been NC for almost 4 weeks now. This last time she just said never to contact her again. Lately, however, I have an impression that she is trying to provoke my reaction. At first there were statuses on whatsapp of how happy she is. I did not react. Then there were links to songs about some girl who pretends to be happy but is dying inside. I did not react to this either. Then there was game with changing profile pics every day. She first posted some with various quotes and then one with her back turned and as if she is walking away. At the same time she posted on facebook pics from some excursion with signature "take me away". During our time together we had this messaging app which none of our friends use. I logged to it from another number, of which she is not aware, several times and noticed that she checks several times every day whether I've been online. It is tough and it hurts me seeing her behaviour like this. It is as if she intentionally wants to hurt me.

Bookmark this!

I live in a small town. Just yesterday the BPD ex drove by me when I was on my walk. But I do not go past her house, and when I am on campus of the university in town I avoid walking past her building.

* Avoid social media

* Avoid her street

* Dump acquaintances of his/hers if they are not close friends to you.

* Do NOT ask questions about her.

* And get rid of every photograph, memento and gift the ex ever gave you.


IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE!

ExBPDgf calls me last night, I don't have the strength to ignore her as she dumped me but I never initiate contact with her.

I sent her a bday card a few weeks ago when I was trying to get her back that she wasn't suppose to open till her bday.  I told her I think you will like the card, she guesses why and I say "youll see when you open it".  She persists and I say why can't you be surprised she says " I just want to see if you'll do what I say, if we were to get back together" what the heck. Now I'm back in the gutter and had just started feeling better.  I hate her.

*mod*

This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.

Probably the best advice I received was to go No Contact.

Painful... .for me, her, and our son.

But it's better... .life, that is.

Peace and Love,

Arn

It does get better, its bl**dy hard at times but it does, currently 76 days, do feel even now that I wish to contact her, would love to hear from her still but wouldn't break NC if she did. I feel distance has helped me see some things more clearly, some things that I never noticed have become apparent and I think wftf! The shock of being in such a lowly useless place is getting better but I still think too much about her, although can get the odd few hours when I don't think of her.

Stay strong, push through it, it'll be worth it.

I have taken the breakup with my exBPDgf very hard as well.  It ended in early January and she quickly went into ignoring every single text and email I would send... We dated for a year and a half and just a week before the breakup she was actually talking about having a child together, which would have been her first at 41.

I could not go more than four days without sending an email or text profesing my love for her and trying to convince her we were worth it.  She truely was my first love even though I am in my 40's.

I can understand every one of you who are having trouble staying NC.  This is what finally gave me the strength to go and STAY NC.

I had so many questions about this woman after the breakup.  The only way to really get a few answers was to go back and check her public Facebook posts.  She would often acuse me of being a "facebooker" which was the furthest thing from the truth. In fact after she made this comment a few times I closed my FB account to avoid any more conflict on that topic and I told her all I wanted was her NOT facebook.  She never closed her account as I never really cared.

Well after our breakup you can sort of say I became a "facebooker" in search of some answers.  I quickly realized SHE was the one always on FB and it had been for YEARS.  She commented often on diffrent saying about if someone doesnt respect you give them the "axe" and would actualy LOL about it.  She had hurt many other guys feelings with breakups and was actually laughing about it publicly on FB.  Of course her ex's weren't into FB all that much and most liekly never saw this.

After four months of texting and emailing her at least every four days I came aross another one of her comments on Facebook which she had written about her ex just before she met me.  It was a saying about silence and ignoring someone being a very powerful way of dealing with people.  To this she commented "Silence is a killer I tell ya... Especially for anyone we don't want back in our lives... .It's a killer I tell ya."

That comment from her right there woke up the PRIDE and DIGNITY inside me.  It was Mid April when I read that.  I wrote to her a last email letting her know what could have been for her with the love I had to offer her, wrote abut some of the great times we had and then I ended it by telling that she is right, Silence is a killer but as much as I loved her I will not allow her to kill me.  I wished her well in finding the "perfect" man as eventhough I did EVERYTHING  humanly posible for her, she always had things to point to me that were wrong with me while she of course we perfect.

I told myself enough is enough.  There is no way in hell a sick, disordered, ungrateful, spoiled and rotten 41 year old CHILD will ever get the upper hand on my mind and heart again after she is well aware of how painful ignoring someone is and she was ignoring me.  All of a sudden going past 4 days wasnt so hard anymore.  It is very true, NC gets easier the longer you go.  We live in the same small town and when we cross paths in our cars she practically stops her car to look at me.  I dont even look at her which prompted her to complain to a friend how I ignore her when we see each other.  I let him know that I tried many times to contact her and she ignored me, if I ever speak to her again it will be beause she contacted me as I will NEVER ever try again.  Im worth more than that and so are all of you.  Do I still love her?  I still love who I THOUGHT she was.  She is out there now flirting away with other men and her good looks while I stil suffer quite a bit over what she put me through during and after the relationship. 

I tell myself, for me disordered women like her are a dime a doze to find but for her to find a man with the heart and kindness and love that I had for her and was willing to give to her forever... .GOOD LUCK.  There will be TONS of men that will have some great sex with her hot body, but after a few times, they will kick her to the curb and then she will go back on FB and again complain about how men dont respect her.  Im in more pain than she is right now but the future looks one hell of a lot brighter for me than her.

  She will always be the true "Facebooker"

I wish you all the strength to get past this.

Im no one to judge... .but you are in for a world of hurt and disappointment. With every re-engagement you are accepting whatever abuse he has given you, the message to him is that he can do whatever he wants and you will take whatever he gives.

I know the drill.  

What exactly are you missing? Having your self worth trampled on... .You know you deserve better.  I hope it works out for you but I am pretty sure you are just prolonging your agony. Better to be the leaver with some dignity left... . 

Yes, it feels awful... .it feels so bad that we will do anything to make it stop, including allowing recycling... .but it really has very little to do with him. This horrible feeling is physical and emotional withdrawal. You are going to have to do the hard work, your going to grieve this badly at some point.

There is no escape once you're addicted and accepting crumbs and nonsense.

It will get better. Today was a bad day for me. Like a splinter in my mind... .but I snapped out of it.

Wow great thread such a great Idea

I like you ausie kk feel much the same way. Logically I know but there is like part of me hoping.   The reality though is maybe there would be a chance if I played the game and wasn't triggered. I am triggered though and she knows it so there a no point.

I guess the point is I know she will trigger me

I re-read my journal and write what I am thinking instead of calling.  Let it all out, close the page and then do something selfish. 

Thank you for the reply Aussie JJ, I needed that. I have a hard time with the doing something selfish part. I am paralyzed in a way. Feeling like I need to do something bad to myself. Like contact him and let him abuse me mentally and physically (I just mean having sex). As if I am punishing myself for my addiction by doing something self-destructive.

I actually just posted a rant on the "Why can't I walk away" thread. It helped. Unfortunately I texted him first... .and no reply - of course

But yes, once again, the journal, the reminding myself why N/C is the only way to get out of this toxic dance. I've been writing stuff down randomly over the past few months, but I think I need a more organized approach, as in," N/C day one", like people here seem to do.

But I imagine it will be "recycle #2, day one" first, before I get to N/C day one.


Disgusted with myself.

Be gentle with yourself Amigo.  I have recycled more times than i can count.  two weeks ago despite all the horrible things i have been through, i fell completely back.  Re engaged and promised to spend my life with her, bought her a diamond ring.  I fell for it all.  then less than one week into the recycle she lost it in a restaurant because i told her she was beautiful.  She launched into an attack about who else i had said that to.  Called me abusive and refused to leave the restaurant... .   it only got worse... .and the pain is unbearable.


I have no honest idea how many times i have taken or begged for her back.  Usually she begs me but i have her as well.  I am on day 9 of no contact and am hoping and praying it is my last day 9... .   

End of Day 14 L/C. 

I have done alot of reading today, had to go into work to cover for someone this morning and after that just decided to read a book from the op shop.  Went down, bought a book, sat on the beach and read until the sun went down, posted here when I had thoughts of BPD etc and here I am. 

I have finished my $3.00 book!

I must have looked crazy sitting on the sand in my suit reading a boko but it took my mind off everything else and I was able to enjoy it for what is was. 

Now to cook some dinner at 10pm!

thank you Split Black, Aussie JJ and amigo.

I feel just like you amigo did - I want just one more round with my exBPDgirlfriend. I was the one who decided to brake up.

I have not contacted her for almost 3 weeks, during which she emailed me 3 times  and left love letter in my mailbox.

Now she's been quiet for one week. And it confuses me, but on the other hand this is what I wanted.

But I also feel that maybe by contecting her, meeting her I will realize more clearly, that she has serious problem. And thet she really does not want ME, but wants to survive by using me.

I think that I am fooling myself while wanting to have "controlled contact". Because at the same time I am really AFRAIND of any contact. So what is the point of having it? I want it and I am REALLY afraid of it... .That it will ruin my stability, which is so SHAKY:) I hate this feeling.

Love2give, I can tell from reading your post that you are a really good person and yes, it is correct that good solid caring committed people are not always easy to find. Look around at some of the names we members use here, let along reading our posts. I like what you said about knowing that you will be that same person moving forward where as your ex will remain stuck in her very same patterns and perhaps never find someone as good as you again. I know my ex will never find anyone who genuinely cared for him as a person the way that I did. I am assured of that. 

You seem to have done an impressive job gaining closure for yourself with the many attempts you made to contact during those months and then gaining the needed knowledge to stay NC long term.  Good for you and keep going strong with your healing.

And you know, regarding the ignoring thing. I can recall my ex saying way back in idealization that he absolutely HATED being ignored by others. He said it with such passion that his body language even showed me how much he meant that. I guess it was projection as he was forewarning me of who he was and the tactic he would then eventually use on me with deliberate purpose.

Day 21 for me. No contact. Some days I feel stronger than others. I feel best when I do something healthy for myself, like running. Ran four miles the day before yesterday, and felt strong the rest of the day. Not feeling so strong today, but this thread helps. I am seeing so clearly that I was attracted to the illusion of who I thought she was. It makes me so sad that she's so tortured by her disorder, but I can't save her, and she obviously doesn't want me to. She's now in her world with nearly 500 followers on Instagram. She follows no one, so I guess she's being fed by all the showering of affection she gets from total strangers every time she posts a photo. Thank you all for being here and being real. At least my "followers" here are dealing with real issues. Peace, and have a strong day. Keep On Going. Seriously.

i went back 7 times sometimes we broke up for a week sometimes for a month she never went to someone else but going back is the worse thing to do the cycles get shorter and the pain gets worse

i got depressed  and on meds she never admitted that she was the problem telling me that i was lucky to be with her and that a lot of her execs would take her back

we have been a part for 7 months now and 4 weeks with nc i am finally healing we getting a divorce and i never want to talk to her again

i am addicted to her and going to withdraw no hard feelings just want to be happy again and be in a normal realtionship

Amigo,

You/ we have to try to be the rationale one bc we are dealing with irrational people.  You're correct when you cite your prior experience as hurtful but appropriately delivered providing some sense of closure.  Something that made sense.

The BPD r/s is more like this: Friendship, laughter, incredible mutual joy.  Perusing and seducing and inviting you all the way into a beautiful, safe, wide open relationship that is pure bliss.  Compete acceptance for the person which you are, compete mutual sharing and encouragement and caring. Compassion. Declarations and signs and symbols pointed out in every direction of this persons total and devoted love.  For you! Only you! More growing and connecting and sharing and safety and full wide open love.  They want to share everything with you. They want you to share all the good and important moments of their life with you.  They bring a sense of color to another wise black and white world.  They seems to not only love you.  But respect you. They love you in a way that would never ever seem false.  Ever. Then.  The switch is pulled. Literally.  You are in the dark in what seems like a second. 

You are devalued, split, recycled, distanced, dissociated from, forgotten and abandoned.  And never once in that horrible cycle are the words or even the respect to provide any sense of compassion, caring, or closure for the non. 

Thats why we now have to be the rationale one.

Amigo, I was the rationale one too. Confident, in control being level headed.  I recall having very frank conversations on deep subjects. Easily. We shared openly and he aggressively was not only perusing a future with me, he got me to slowly start to believe it was real.  I was the one holding back there in all the beauty saying this is maybe not for me.  You know they sense that.  Then they pull harder.  They bring you over to the other side of that wall of logic and self rationale.  Remember they dont do boundaries. Which too feels really endearing in the idealization phase. So whats not to believe.  We know the red flags now.  But then? They were drenched in the sweetest form of pure love that we forgot to trust our instinct.

You are not trash nor good for a mere text to check in on supply source. You are worth a million times more than that as everyone on this board is. 

That what we allow continues.  Take back the reins. Take back the control.  Join me in radical acceptance.   

And move forward. 

love2give,

Your post was very therapeutic for me to read just now for some reason.  It put word to some of the feelings I didn't know I was having.  Thanks for sharing.  It is good to just stop for a second and just realize that by God's grace, I have become a better person than I ever was, and that I truly have had my husband's best in mind.  I am not worthless, incapable, completely irritating and inadequate in every way... .I have been patient and kind and loving and willing to do just about anything to make him happy.  I can't help that it just can't seem to be done.  

Thanks again.  God bless!

 

Remember, NC is a tool you can use to give yourself time to heal.  You can keep it in this state for as long as you want or need. It isn't a "punishment" - like giving the silent treatment.  It is for you.

As for Facebook or other social media... .yeah, I would suggest you discontinue access.  All you are doing is torturing yourself.  That is what it really boils down to.

As for:


I agrree... .and disagree.  Yeah - you do miss the "fantasy" of what you could of had (or what you thought you had)... .but you miss her as well.  Don't short change yourself.  Your emotions and memories are real - so don't ever try to kick yourself into thinking that they are not.

As for:


BRAVO!  A lot of people get this part wrong. They think "oh... .my SO is disordered... .it isn't their fault!"  They aren't brain dead zombies just acting on instinct to want to eat your brain and have no concept of the pain and anguish which is being caused. 

As for:


Well... .I agree and disagree.  Mostly - hell to the yeah we are victims!  They "did it" to us... .so how can you not see that we have been vicimized?  That's like saying "oh, someone broke into my house and stole all my stuff but I"m not a victim!"  Bullcrap. 

Now... .if we allow ourself to stay holed up in our house afraid to ever leave again... .well... .that's is acting like a victim and getting a victim mentality going on (which sucks... .so don't do that).  But the reality is - we have been seriously affected and lost stuff because we are/were victims to their behavior.  WHeter we stay in that role or not is totally up to us... .I choose not to. 

I hope you do as well.   |iiii

So, I missed threads 1 & 2 on NC - but this is a topic that is brought up often over the years... .


Exactly - it is nothing more or nothing less than this.  It is not a magic cure for all those crappy feelings and contact sometimes even soothes those crappy feelings... .not the most healthy way, but it can work for some.

At the end of the day, we all must feel our pain - the level of which we  hurt is different based on the baggage WE bring to the relationship and the POWER we give that relationship to have miraculously healed our baggage.  Coupled with a  Disney dream of "happily ever after" - these relationships take some time and space to heal from.

Our love and our intensity is real for us - it is real for them too - we simply have different ways of coping with grief.


Grieving a fantasy is the same work and process of grieving anything else - because we all believed what we had was real.  As others have said, including your T - this is very much a loss and sometimes the loss of a dream is even harder because we tie so much worth into it.

Keep posting, keep processing - it really does get better.

Peace,

SB

Malwa

When my BPD dumped me I kept saying i would rather be alone than with her. My therapist told me not to think this way. If I kept saying "alone" that would make being with her sound so much better even though she was verbally abusive and toxic to me. By saying alone I wasn't allowing my mind any other  options. Alone is such a strong and powerful word.  It can influence and make us feel isolated and lonely. When I stopped using alone in my speech it helped a.ton.

Also recently my BPD had an episode. She was verbally abusive. It was a side of her I hadn't seen in well over a year. When I saw her carrying on something in me switched. She is no longer this beautiful woman to me. I mean she is beautiful. Like drop dead gorgeous beautiful. But when she was ranting I just saw this ugly person. Now when i look at her or think of her that's all I see... .That ugly person.  I guess i am lucky. It seems to be making detachment easier.  Maybe if you can distort your picture of her in your mind that will help with detaching. Just a thought.

I have been NC since Saturday.  Prior to that was two weeks of her declaring she missed me and wanted a future.  Prior to that several months of LC and not hearing from her.  Which to be honest, was much better than hearing BS about wanting to be together, missing me, and wanting a future.

I have felt so much anger lately and been dealing with this finally as the real pain of a real breakup and no hope for a future.  It's only been NC for 5 days now.  I am maintaining it because I realize no good would come of it. 

The vampire would just suck the life out of me!  |iiii

So after almost two months my ex contacted me yesterday... .I felt my heart beating again at a very fast rate.

I tried to be "civilized" and picked up my phone. The reason for contact was that she still cares for me,

she thinks of me and she doesn't want to lose me from her life. She almost begged me to go for some coffee.

She sounded more thoughtful telling me that she will understand if this is difficult for me (to go out for coffee).

I don't know what to do. I have been thinking of her all day. I can't kept her out of my mind.

I have such strong desire to contact her, that the only thing I could think of to do is to post it here instead. Today was a day of mixed feelings. I missed the good times initially, but it started to change in to anger and sadness. I'm 100% certain she has recycled her ex. The last time we spoke - almost two weeks ago - I confronted her about it. However, she would not only deny, but turn it around. She was hurt and offended by the very notion. I let it go after that, because I knew she would never admit it. Even after I've seen the evidence right in front of me. She was trying to fix it with him when we were still together. It made me angry.

It was the realization that I meant absolutely nothing to her that brought the sadness. I was simply a replacement. It was just convenient that I was there, twice. I wanted to tell that she should be ashamed of herself, using a person like that. She should be ashamed of all the lying and manipulating. Not only to me, but to everyone. She would manipulate and lie to a mutual acquaintance who we worked together with. She admitted to that she was using her to get work done, only to drop of the face of the earth after she was done with her. She admitted how she lied to her parent and manipulated them to get away with all kinds of things. She is simply a terrible person and I wanted to tell her that. Eventhough I'm certain she has this terrible disorder.

However, I keep telling myself that she very much meant the beautiful things she said to me, at that moment. It just changed in one day. Like my therapist says. She saw something in me, she might still do. Her emotions are just too extreme and can change at any moment. I do not miss the moments when we would be joking around one minute and the next she would be giving me the silent treatment.

In the end I know that telling her would enable her. I'd show myself to be a weak person.

i broke the NC after 17 days, i'm so sorry and feel like s hit... .

i was triggered by my friend asking of her, who is she with now bla bla. i looked at he FB profile and wasn't surprised of anything... .she's in the triangulation with her ex and a new victim girl (she told me she doesn't have anything with her and don't want anything with her- LOL LOL LOL).

SHE IS NEVER GONNA CHANGE.

i'm an idiot for not letting go completely.

*mod*

This thread has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic.

Please feel free to start a new thread.

Alex,

Your conversation sounds so much like the conversation between me and my BPD. It is a scary. I always thought mine was done too... .five Yeats down the road and we are still back and forth.  Hang in there and really think if this is the life you want. I am going on five years and it sucks. I often think what my life would be like if I just walked away the first time.

Just starting at day 1, ya'll. I was at day 4 or 5 and then she contacted me yesterday, only to say it was a mistake. So here we go again. day 1. I'm angry and hurt and miss her all at once.

Of course everyone's situation is different, but I'm wondering if the BPDex will ever stop contacting you even after you've cut it, specifically from those members who don't have a child with the BPDex?

Knew her for a year this week, together for 8 months, another 1.5 of broken up/together but not together (her words), 5 weeks of NC initiated by me with sporadic attempts to cut even that short.  Long email declaring her love for me, meet her, find out she had sex with someone else the night before and day of meeting me.  Told her I never care to speak to her again and we're done done.  She said well don't you want e to tell my mom (she's from a conservative Muslim country and hadn't yet told her parents about me, always a sticking point with me once things got serious) and I said no, because it doesn't matter anymore.

Last night I had a dream she contacted me, checked my trash folder on email and sure enough there it was: "As promised, I talked to my mom about you.  I didn't tell her everything but did tell her how much we care(d) about each other.  Do you want to know what she said".  In many ways its the same attempt to contact me that there have always been, whether its I really need to talk to you, I have something to give you, I don't feel well, Do you want to know.  It's sad and sick, really, and oh so predictable.

I am in an MA program and on low-dose chemo for a non-cancerous but serious condition (fortunately I don't have too invasive side effects).  In large part due to her behavior, I want to finish my four remaining courses this term and be done, but I think the logical decision is to stick it out for two terms so I have ample time to rest up/recover from the drugs and don't push myself too hard.  But this is just so annoying, frustrating, etc and I'm guessing it just won't stop.  She seems to be able to go about 10-20 days without contacting me, and then when I do speak with her, she takes out her anger on me by ___ing somebody else lol. 

Narellan,

I hope you enjoyed your holiday.  Horrible what they do to you.  Such a sad existence where to validate themselves they have to hurt others. 

I am in general.  I know too much about BPD and it has been getting me down a bit. 

My major thing at the moment has been personally changing a lot of my circumstances.  Improving my circumstances and loving it.  So hard making those changes. 

I've decided on a holiday when all of this is over a bit like you have done.  Still doing my walks in the dandenong ranges and because my knees hurt I bought a bike!  Essentially aside from the exBPDgf everything is starting to improve a lot for me. 

Life is getting better outside of the BPD spin cycle.   |iiii

kc,

I do a personal inventory at the end of every week. 

Don't say NC now, set a goal of what you want back, use BIFF or SET communications, get your stuff then jump into NC. 

It feels so much better having that control over everything by going, met all my goals.  NOW for initiation of NC.  I have ZERO reason to contact her now, everything has been exchanged. 

Its liberating. 

Well, 

At the start again, for me end of day #45!  Pretty good day after the weekend I was able to logic my way through it, the emotion side with some events that transpired. 

To anyone reading this, this is my AA counting the day's thread for BPDA!, it has been really helpful for me!  I am sorry it is now up to the 5th thread (NOT) and I invite you to count the days with other like minded members. 

It is fantastic knowing others are going through this and being able to relate to them as they work through the process of detaching from their toxic relationships. 

Links to previous threads for anyone  who wants to go back and read the comments of those before them. 

Thread #1

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228426.0

Thread #2

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229136.0

Thread #3

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229649.0

Thread #4

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230299.0

Know that your not alone and it does get better!


AJJ.

5 months for me with the exception of one brief text message last week to request he remove photos of me he had published on his web page. It was necessary and blunt, I threatened legal action if he didn't remove them. My T spoke to the police about it who said it was stalking behaviour and I could act on it if I chose to.

I believe he wanted to pull me back into any form of contact so I chose not to pursue it when he removed the photos. So a slight cheat from my end but I still made a statement that I did not want contact or him in my life under any disguise.

NC Day 1 is over! Feeling okay, pretty good actually. |iiii

Congratulations to everyone that manage to stay NC! :)

From what I have read (and experienced), if we try to contact them (for closure or because we miss them... ) we do not get in contact with the person that once loved us, and that can give us what we seek.

I have been NC for 5 weeks +- now and I miss her like hell every morning, but any form for contact and I get back on day 1 after being dumped, so I know NC is the only way for me.

I wish I could move on, I am really tired... Good luck every one, I am so glad I found this place

18 days nc/lc so far. Allthough i see her every day at work and she asks me work related questions sometimes.

It is really hard somedays. Not hearing from her sounds like she never cared for me and that is rough on me.

5 mos NC. Some days are hard, esp when I see him.  But, I truly have realized the person I loved is not the real person who exists everyday.  I am glad to be out if the toxic push pull and everyday away has made healthier and restoring my sense of self. Keep up the good work peeps!    |iiii

"From what I have read (and experienced), if we try to contact them (for closure or because we miss them... ) we do not get in contact with the person that once loved us, and that can give us what we seek."

"But, I truly have realized the person I loved is not the real person who exists everyday."

These both seem so true. Learning about the illness has been very helpful to me in the detachment process. I knew my ex had it (she was in treatment for it), and knew a little about it, but not nearly enough for me to understand what was going on with us. I had really hoped/thought that we could "contain" the episodes, but didn't realize that it was progressive, and the BPD relationships follow a pattern (which ours was doing). So whether we break up or not, we would lose the person we fell in love with anyway (the idealizer), no matter what.

Here goes NC day 3 for me!

Just jumping on board this one. I split up with my ex nearly three months ago and my NC pattern has gone like this (not that I was trying to do NC at the start but anyway... .

2 days

5 days

9 days

5 days

10 days

5 days

7 days

and finally

29 days and counting.

So ok, a lot of false starts as I worked out returning possessions, trying to be amicable, reaching out in case reconciliation was a possibility. Now I'm in acceptance mode and trying to move on. Trying to make him part of my past. Today I'm feeling pretty calm and positive, but yesterday I was on the verge of breaking NC again. Can't wait for the roller coaster to stop... .

Susp and others here. You are doing a GREAT job!  |iiii You are strong. And you are all worth everything you are applying to learn, to self soothe and self love and self protect, to remain NC in order to heal yourself from the torture, chaos, and manipulations.  Give the disorder back to the person in which it belongs. 

Every time I yearned to break NC or merely just to try to see him from afar, I stopped. And asked myself this: why? Why do this to myself? Why apply more hurt or accept more hurt when I know better.  When I know how it will turn out if I do.  So, I did what I had to do to keep moving ahead, which often includes just to sit for a bit and cry.  But, the tears get less drawn out. Just a release and acknowledgment of the loss.  Then, I keep moving ahead.  Time for me now.  Thankful to be rid of ALL that pain that r/s was causing me. The pain now, I understand.  And I can redirect. Appropriately.

Time for you ALL now  too!    |iiii

I'm trapped in a situation where I have to periodically check what my exBPD is posting on his website... .Is that still considered contact? It's unfortunate but necessary and has really delayed my detachment/ healing process. There's no communication going on between us though. One text I sent last week, first message between us in 5 months. So am I 5 months nc or not even a day because I just looked at his web page?

Technically no, but it is important to look at your motivation for doing it; it's an extension of ruminating, and you're doing it because you're getting something out of it, maybe preservation of hope?  Letting go entirely is the death of hope, which can be very painful.




Or maybe it's part of the process?  It's said that someone doesn't leave our heads until the lessons they're there to teach have been learned.  Any truth to that?


No contact is just a tool we can use to detach, since, at least in my case, having any kind of contact was damaging to my mental health, seriously crazymaking.  Focusing on the terminology and the exact times is less important than shifting the focus from him to you and from the past to the future; how are you doing with that?

NC is a useful tool. It allows us the time to reflect on how the relationship really was. If we are willing we can then move on. NC isnt completely necessary as long as you have strong boundaries in place and are strong enough not to slip back. I saw both my exs two days ago and had no feelings of wanting to get back with either of them.

In the begining though I would say NC is a must just to get out of the fog and have time to see the relationship for what it really was. It also gives time to regain your self respect.

"Focusing on the terminology and the exact times is less important than shifting the focus from him to you and from the past to the future; how are you doing with that?"

How about the present moment?

Fromheeltoheal. Thanks for that reply.

It's fear that keeps me checking. I'm terrified of what photos he may post of me. Last week he posted 2 nudes, and I sent a brief text to remove them or I'd take legal action. He removed one, I coped with one being left on. Then yesterday he put the more revealing one back on. Then 5 hours later deleted them both. All gone for now. But he's just as likely to repost anything he feels like at the time.

I've spoken to a lawyer re sending a letter forbidding him from publishing my photos, but I know it will escalate him if I take action. I've so far ignored every attempt he's made to contact me, but he knows I don't want anyone to see nude photos of me, and he has posted a few every month or so since we split. And he gets a reaction each time. My T has contacted the police who said they can charge him with stalking... .

My opinion is just to keep trying to ignore and keep checking almost daily what he posts.

But I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I feel tied to him and this disorder.

Sometimes too I'm pleased I'm still on his mind.

It's so sick I know... .

Yes, we are always in the perpetually reproducing present moment; the past and the future are imaginary.  And happiness is created by progress; change is automatic, progress is not, it takes a vision to compare to for reference, which requires an imagining of the future, a direction.  Blissing out in the present moment is beneficial, as is moving forward.

Well, that is a unique way for a borderline to test an attachment to see if it's still there.  I guess the thing to do is what you're doing, getting cops involved and protecting yourself, and staying out of direct contact.

I have no idea if I'm ever on my ex's mind, but there is a part of me that would feel good if I found out I was, I understand.  Maybe an inkling that I do matter to her after all, after all the bullsht, maybe a little validation, maybe that pesky hope is still hanging around.  Forward... .

Yes to everything you said. My exBPD is extremely calculating and intelligent. He knows which buttons to push to get a reaction from me. Mind you he still has been direct by just showing up at my door and by calling a few times, but when he failed to make contact doing this, he is pulling out the big guns.

Funny tho he did not reply when I sent " remove the photos or I will take legal action" not a single reply. And he didn't remove them til several days later. Wanted to see if I would take it further? Or wanted me to stew over it?

I have no idea if I'm black or white at the moment. Posting photos because he thinks I'm beautiful or because he wants to destroy me...

I feel like ill be enmeshed forever in this. He still posts photos of his exgf from years ago!

What lesson have I learned here? Never trust a photographer no matter how reputable they seem?

Or maybe, with your formal and stern message, he felt the attachment slipping, that abandonment terror showed up, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, and he was reduced to a fetal position, rocking back and forth until the pain stopped.  That literally happened with mine, until she'd had enough of it and started raging at any and every thing.




I say we only have a color when there's an attachment in place, when we're stuck in the borderline spin cycle.  A borderline attachment is a fusing of psyches, and when that ceases to exist, along with the lack of object constancy, we cease to exist in their heads entirely; handy that, if only I could have gotten her to cease to exist in my head a little faster, but it takes what it takes.  Maybe at that point we're colored clear?

Narellan,

From the previous, yes escalation would probably occur, almost definitely.  Its a no-win situation.  How very borderline... .

Most likely, in his head, going between the "If I give to much I loose control / If I don't give enough she wont love me"  thought process.  This is very perverted in nature as its polar opposites, black/white.  Taking down one picture shows I will give a little bit but I am still in control, IE: he isn't capitulating.  Their is also probaly a hope for more contact from only taking one down.  Posting them again shows, "I am in control, I am taking it back, I am winning".  Again, he wants more contact.  For him this probably also confirms the thought in his head that there is still an attachment/relationship possibility.  This is confirmed as your still looking it up and checking, sucks but yea it is what it is.  

One thing pwBPD hate, from what I'm reading, is loosing control, huge fear for them.  Amongst everything else loosing control is the one thing they cant handle as the emotions start coming to the surface and the pain starts.  They loose control then they have nothing, this sort of falls back to the no sense of self thing from what I have been reading.  Hard to explain but your pwBPD (there are so many but I am making sure he isn't your exBPD here, how very detached   still has some 'traits' or attributes that he has assumed from you, sure he is mirroring the new object however he knows he buggered it up with you, he is at fault.  Feels great shame (I'm a bad person) and still wants to control you on a subconscious level even though your split black, insecure attachment style.  A normal person moves on to the next relationship and doesn't play these games after the grieving process, pwBPD never grieves.  

All I would say, sure it sucks, be thankful that he is controlling you with photo's and not a child.  

One thing I would do, if it occurs again, you have the different units in the Police.  (I'm dealing with the SOCA unit - Sexual Offences Child Abuse, you would deal with the local  CIU - Criminal Investigation Unit)  When you get in contact, make sure its Sergeant level and above, preferably the Senior Sergeant in charge.  These units have a e-mail that sends to all the detectives in the unit it will be city-ciu@police.blahblah.com.au.  (dont get a individual members e-mail get the unit e-mail, very important) When he pops the images up again, send the warning text.  24 hours later send an e-mail to him and CC the e-mail for the local CIU and CC your lawyer.  

If escalation does occur Police are aware of it and the paper trail is in place.  You would be amazed how fast the local cops act when you send it to the "unit" e-mail address as if it's to an individual they drag there feet.  If everyone has it it gets actioned a lot faster and EVERYONE be it on duty or off duty becomes aware of it.  This will make any follow up easier.  

Also, e-mails and make sure you have 'confirm receipt' activated... .

WOW, I have just been able to put my experience in the security industry to use.   |iiii


AJJ.  

Yes, and that need for control is just a tool to avoid abandonment; it's all about abandonment for a borderline, who are terrified of it, and it's a constant focus.  So if we can be isolated from other people in our lives and devalued to the point where we don't have the balls to leave, we're held captive, so a borderline can't 'lose' us.

It took me a while to realize that when I left her the first time I wounded her to her core, that was the worst thing I could have done, and why things were never the same once we reconciled; the facade she painted made it 'seem' like we went back to 'normal', but there were cracks in it, things were never the same, and it ended shortly thereafter.

Day 21. I'm doing really well! I'm happy and confident again. Last two days i caught her looking at me a lot. Colleagues noticed it as well. Noticed her laughing at jokes i made as well. She is nervous to be around me/doesn't want to talk to me though.

I think she finally realized what she threw away... .

What are the thoughts on mementos/photos?

I have put all photos in a folder out of the way on my computer - I don't want to see them, they make me very sad. But I'm not sure whether to delete them forever.

I have got rid of virtually everything connected to her, but still have 3 very nice items of clothing she bought me, and a picture she painted "for me" (although probably because she enjoyed painting it, and then gave it to me, as opposed to wanting to make me happy). I can't decide whether to sell the clothes, and throw out the picture. For now I've put the painting in the garage, but I'm not sure if I'll regret not having any evidence of the relationship years down the line.

What do you think?

Depends on you. I never throw or delete anything. In 2006, I put any college related materials regarding her in a couple of folders and stored them in a box and never opened then till she returned in late 2010. All photos/electronic stuff/emails are in a folder named after her. By summer 2006 I stopped opening it and didn't look at it till late 2010 either. Now I have done the same thing. I don't want to delete because these are memories of my life. And I always believe human beings deserve a chance, especially ill people. If we are 70 years old and come in contact, would she be BPD? Wouldn't we have a smile towards the end of our lives looking at photos when we were 19 or 29? Maybe I am too sentimental... .but I am allergic towards discarding memories. If/when I start dating again, I wonder what will my future partner think... .

I still have all packed away. I deleted the obvious, Email contact, Cell phone, etc. But the tangible stuff is too hard. It really makes it feel as if none of it was real by getting rid of everything tangible. Bc they act like we are not/were not real, it's hard enough. For me, one of the most difficult things still is knowing I've been erased by him.  So easily.

I don't open the box to read the notes or see the tangibles although I did for a very good many incredibly heartbreaking months.  Sometimes I would just run my hand over his handwriting to try to feel him again.

I imagine one day I will be able to get rid of it all. For now, it's packed away.

All very sad, isn't it?

Yes, it's tragic.

There seems little point hanging onto any memories, now I know it was all an illusion.

In some pictures, I am blissfully happy - blissfully ignorant, ignorant of the manipulation and abuse taking place, and the utter hell to follow.

I found a bunch of photos of her on my computer, months after I left her, forgot they were there, and the thing that jumped out at me was how different she looked.  Some of them were with me, some at work, some with other people, and some posed glamour shots; she looked like a different person in each one, not just different hair, make up or facial expression, a totally different person.  I'd detached a bunch and learned about the disorder by then, and looking at the pics just drove home what a chameleon she could be, how she could be who she needed to be in any situation, and more importantly, who she was changed on the fly in reaction to who she was with because she has no self of her own.  It was validating and sad at the same time.  So I deleted all but one, and that one went in the folder of pics of people I used to know.  I'm good with that.

I went 2.5 years with no contact and seemingly no interest from either party and she just e-mailed me twice about my home and some forms she had to turn in regarding it. Mind you, a real estate attorney, my Realtor, AND her sister have all be in correspondence with her and have been handling this for me so that I can retain no contact. I have her blocked on everything and she low and behold decided to e-mail me. It was nice, cordial, but had no meaning. She was totally trying to initiate contact.

I guess her honeymoon with her drug dealer boyfriend is getting stale after 2.5 years. She seemed totally sober in the e-mail. I quickly deleted both emails but feel bad for not acknowledging her. I know I did the right thing though.

In my case, and many others I've read here, we're not entirely gone at all. They move on to new and shiny, but the old and dented still exist. My then-gf talked about some of her exes frequently enough that I grew weary of it. Which to her meant I was jealous, but to me it was why bring up other people you used to be with when you're supposedly so with the person you're with now? This wasn't just a few times, it was thousands. Obsessive, and I was only seeing what she showed. Those people and stories kept rattling around inside her. Now I'm another one she'll be talking about. Struggling with. Repeating to herself and whoever else while running from.

Yeah, you're right myself, a borderline never lets go of an attachment, and my ex still had emotional memories in her consciousness of relationships that had been over for more than a decade.  And I got to hear about them too.

I guess for me the whole painted white/black thing occurs when we're actually in a relationship, or at least in contact, with a borderline; we aren't 'painted' one way or the other if we've left, the brush doesn't reach that far?  Although we're probably one color, or both, between those borderline ears.

Right now, I think just over six weeks. Feels like longer, and yet it doesn't.

She's with a replacement, and it gives me peace of mind for two reasons.

1) She's not in the streets, starving or worse. I never wanted any harm to come to her. Her seeing a replacement alleviates the guilt. The key I find is not to think too much on what they're up to. Just a sick person I no longer have to take care of.

2) She's going to spend all her time with the replacement, and probably won't contact me for at least a year. Hopefully by then I'll change my email, phone, and mostly everything else. Who knows, she may not recognize me on the street by then.

I just want to put all this behind me and laugh about it someday. Which if things go well, I probably will.

It shifts around, but I'd say we're more often seen as bad so they can see themselves as good. Twisting things to their disordered view. We're banished, but still clung to. When we're seen as good, it twists again. While facing the facts, I've been honestly trying to see what's mine and what's hers. Without FOG. She's not my scapegoat. She has been all of the colors to me. She keeps perpetuating problems, though, and I've had to stay NC.

Yes you did!  |iiii

Don't feel bad... .I did that once, (felt bad about ignoring her contact) acted on it and it caused me a ton of emotional pain.

Day 23. Allthough i feel really good, i had a breakdown today. I kept thinking about her, felt lonely etc. It always seems if the weekends when i have time for my self i break down  

I know... .It comes in waves! Feel your feelings, but I did whatever I could to stay busy in a positive way.

I was re-engaged and having sex with mine up till the day I left... .so many recycles I lost count. And even during a recycle she would tell me she wasnt really into me. Then we would have sex... .If I had things to do for a day or two Im 100 percent sure she was with someone else.

I left the area a couple of weeks ago. Maybe a bit longer. On my road trip south she was telling me she loved me now that I was gone and how much she was going to miss me. She was on her way to the cape. I started settling in. Contacted her a week later via text to see how she was doing... .she said great. How great her trip was... .and then I said do you remember what you texted me? She denied it.So I sent her the text, forwarded it. She said why are you sending me old texts! Then she got nasty. Said I was wierd and the time she spent with me she was stressed out ( no doubt juggling 4 guys)... .and that she didn't miss me... .then she said she was off to enjoy the day but not before calling me a weirdo and then a big BYE. Haven't initiated and haven't heard. Im thousands of miles away... too far in her mind to be used for anything.

The fog is clearing nicely. I think about her just a bit here and there. Nothing intense. It passes. Im happy to be in my new digs. Life is good. Fresh and clean... .and if my relationship doesn't work out with my ex. Illl move down the beach. There is so much action here its crazy. 

Its all good. Im glad to be de-toxing.