BPDFamily.com

Sigh,

I was really pleased when I posted a small success here on the boards in regards to my relationship with my dxBPDgf

And yesterday that was all twisted around and used against me.

Now it's back to I am trying to control her.  I don't trust her. She doesn't know how to communicate with me anymore.  And of course it is all my fault.

This one was a doozy.  I left our time together feeling completely and utterly unheard and feeling like absolute crap about myself as a human being. 

She was just so damn cold.  So withdrawn. 

This came up because I expressed some issues that were affecting me from my FOO.   My family is in an uproar over who my ailing grandparents are going to live with and I am being asked to choose sides.  Which I refused to do.  However this all seems to have prompted some abandonment fears in her.

She writes " I am a helpless bystander here, but my security hangs in the balance"

She is flipping on a dime emotionally.  We went to sleep last night and she was all "I love you" I woke to find her awake and she is way nasty to me.  Incredibly cold.  Then she falls back asleep and wakes being all lovey again.  Then she started in lecturing me and damn was she nasty.

I tried very very hard to keep it together and I failed a lot.  I resorted to just crying silently and nodding.  Things settle down then.

I leave today and we text briefly.  I tell her that I will be awake at 930 if she wants to chat.  At this point I am trying to not leave her feeling controlled.  I am tossing the ball into her court.  She is once again all lovey dovey. 

But of course I have not heard from her since.

I left the whole exchange feeling like I was this horrible person fundamentally.  And I have been in a funk today ever since.

I know it's the disorder. I know that she somehow is terrified right now.  And honestly I am not sad nor surprised I haven't heard from her.  Likely I will hear from her in a nastily worded email about how horrible I am and that she is simply protecting herself from me.

Tonight I am just very very tired.   I know I am not this horrible person that she makes me feel like.  I know it's her own fear that is the issue here.  I know a lot of this is projection.

I know it's the disorder.

Just tonight I am so tired of it.  We have been together for four years but split to nc for three months back in January.  It was incredibly hard but I was beginning to heal.

But we recycled and I am right back on the merry go round.  Thinking that with my own healing and utilizing the skills on this board and her using her skills we would make this work.

I think I am just dissolusioned tonight, I was so optimistic since we had been making positive moves forward.  But tonight I am just blindsided all over again.

So I am giving her space.  If she wants to talk she can contact me.  I am trying to wrap my brain around who I am vs who she saw me as last night.

But I am struggling

Amu