BPDFamily.com

She is undiagnosed

She has no relationship with her father

(she once hinted that she can never forgive him for what he did to her mother, his wife, but refuse details)

I consulted a T, as, 10 years I realized her behavior is deteriorating

Given the 10 years history to the T, he confirmed BPD (I thought sociopath)

Should I have a man-to-man with her farther ?

Fanie -  your situation seems like it is not getting any better.  I don't have much advice here accept a question.

What good can come out of having a conversation with him?   

Do you know the father?  I'm not thinking this is a good idea.  If she finds out... .it could further deteriorate.

Even if you expose a lie... .that he is a normal dad... .that still puts her in a box.

I posted to get responses

and what materialized so far, was what my thoughts were

I promised her NOT to tell anybody !

(another post somewhere)

Yeah, it seems to get worse ... .(especially alcohol and I think cheating ... .)

Hi Fannie

You have to be very careful with this. I have been toying with the idea of discussing it with my exgf family and the problem is that I don't know if any of them may be BPD.

If her mum is then she could see it as a direct attack on her and label me as a trouble maker.

I thought about her brother in law but knowing what my ex BPD partners where like I don't know if she may have cheated with him ( I know this may seem paranoid but Im covering all the options here)

I thought about her ex husband as he has a child with her but don't want him storming in and making things worse.

It is a potential minefield.

Maybe if you spoke to him and said you were concerned by her behaviour and ask if he had any worries that both of you could try and address.

 

Fanie,

Tell me about your relationship with the Father... .and her other family?

I considered reaching out to my uBPDw family (especially the father who is married to the mom... .who shows traits of BPD as well). 

My tactic was going to be enlisting him to protect the grandkids. 

I got some advice in real life and on this board and I decided to leave it alone.

I'm not thinking in all situations this is bad... .but if you have no existing r/s... .you have no idea what you are walking into. 

Remember... .things can get better... .but they can also get worse!

Thanx for your inputs

Me and her farther had a great relationship up to 6 years ago

I only realized after discovering BPD, that she was instrumental to

alienating the two of us ?

Part of her strategy?

Like I said earlier, she has no relationship with her father

(or that is what she says)

(she once hinted that she can never forgive him for what he

did to her mother, his wife, but refuse details)

Maybe someday she might tell me, but I doubt

I think he abused her verbally over many years

He also didn't see the kids for over a year now

(something from her / or him, I don't know)

I don't know him well to be able to judge possible BPD

I don't have a relationship with her brothers

I think the same applies

Maybe painted black with them over a long (silent) period

I think so

I've thought about telling my in-laws about my wife's diagnosed BPD, but I know her mother would run to her with "You're not well!  You have a mental disease!  You need to get help!"  And then my wife would grill her on why she said that and what makes her an expert on mental illness.  And then my MIL would flounder with her response, get defensive and say, "Well, that's what your husband told me."  And then my wife would tell her that we're all against her.

I'd prefer my wife hear it from a professional.

And I would never mention an undiagnosed disorder to anyone.

YMMV

While we will never know for sure... .I would stay away from thinking this is a well thought out strategy.

When I let my mind go there with my uBPDw... .I start thinking of her as evil instead of sick.  I don't deal with it as well.

Just a thought.

I'm also thinking that involving others in her family is a big complication... .at least right now.

I think if you tell anyone that you suspect she has BPD she will lose her trust in you.  Maybe you should try and help her with all the drinking. 

I have looked it up an example:

"I wonder if you drink less your health/well-being may improve."

"I've noticed that you aren't so positive about life since you've been drinking more. This isn't the kind of person I know you to be. I'm not bringing it up to upset you, but because I'm concerned."

It's best to avoid harsh criticism, making judgments and labels such as "alcoholic". 

Fanie, I hope your situation improves as I can see you are trying your best. 

I would agree with what most others have said that it probably isn't the best option to tell him you suspect BPD as it would be a break in trust. And right now you want to show her all the suport you can, if she feels betrayed at this point all could be lost.

I also wanted to add that there may be a very good reason that she doesn't want to have a relationship with her father. I would take her hints of him being abusive in the past very seriously. It is not always the case but many people develop BPD due to traumatic events during childhood and it could very well have been her father who caused this. Obviously I don't know, but i think it is a good idea to keep in mind it is a posibility and therefore may be extremely important that you don't break her trust particularly in regards to her father.