BPDFamily.com

I have no idea what triggered my BPDbf to write me a six page letter, on foolscape paper, while I was asleep  one night, last week but it really was an insight into some of his chaotic thoughts. 

The title he gave it said "Jame's telling you my feelings"

First paragragh:  "I feel so brain numb, like really disappointed, confused, but mainly so happy and at peace with myself".

Next paragraph: "wow, peace with myself, I've never felt those words before, I feel so so happy that I finally have the guts to tell you stuff."  (he has a gambling problem, that is what he is referring too).

"I am so numb, there's love.  I've never felt like this.  sounds great, saddens me, I can't trust myself, not that you arent enough but I hate myself, I fell Im wasted skin and if I ended my life, people would get over me quickly and I'd never hurt anyone again.  Sorry don't worry, only feelings and self procrastination.  Makes me dream.  You're always in these dreams, your smile melts me.

I'm still very lonely when Im not with you.  You flood my dreams and I have even recently questioned your feelings for me.  I've put you on such a pedatal, sometimes so high I simply feel saddended that one day you will rise from your depression and as I do, think, of how much a silly, scared little boy I am, I mean this.

I've been over getting hurt 4 ages, trusting and being ripped off.  I'm the type if I fell over, instead of a hand to pick me up, I would get the kick in the ribs while im down.  But now I feel so much happiness, love and hope.  I wish neither of us were so delicate.

Thats just a few paragraghs from this almost book of his feelings.  There were times in this when he said how bad I made him feel etc, but then the next sentence was the opposite.  It was very confusing to read.

That's really interesting to read, DreamerGirl, and you're right; a real insight into how your boyfriend thinks and feels. You're lucky he was able to share that; it should help you communicate with him and understand his troubles. I don't think my Husband would ever be able to be that self-reflective, though my BPD son (he's 37) is often verbal about such things. And yeah... .the inconsistencies and dichotomy of his thoughts are often confusing (and even scary!) to me.

How long ago did he give the letter to you? How did you react to it? Have you two discussed any of the thoughts in it, or was the writing of it and the handing it to you, enough for him? I'd love to know how it changed things between you (if it did)... .