BPDFamily.com

Hello bpdfamily,

This is my first time posting on the staying board, and if the moderators feel  this post is in the wrong place I would appreciate them moving it to a better spot.

Short back story, two years ago I met a woman diagnosed with Bipolar 1, she was religious about meds and committed to therapy.  She was very clear that she had a dual diagnosis but never defined the second diagnosis other than 'left over family issues' or just family issues.   

At the time I was depressed, stagnate, and moribund.  She blew into my life like a whirlwind and I was immediately attracted.  The r/s went just the way you would think.  Intense highs, crashing lows, a lot of conflict over things that appeared to me quite unusual.  We went to therapy together very quickly (my first time) and instead of helping the conflict escalated.   

Back in April 2013, we were in the middle of another circular argument  and in my frustration and my anger I threw a punch at a wall and broke my hand quite badly.   It required surgery to repair with 4 screws and a plate.  Immediately after I broke my hand I severed the r/s very abruptly.   I was nearly out of my mind with confusion, rage and pain.   

She began to show up in public places and social organizations where I had long standing commitments.  I found the behavior to be semi stalkerish and had a very difficult time with it.   I desperately needed No Contact to come down out of the stratosphere.  I went to therapy on my own and read and posted here trying to decipher what I had just gone through.   As time has passed some of my own powerful emotions have waned and the contact bothered me less and less.

About a month ago we ended up on a quasi business trip together.  We spent 18 hours in very close contact with only a few other people to help defuse the tension.  It was surprisingly comfortable. I would use the word natural.

Since that time we have spoken more and more and this week an email exchange has sprung up.

I know if I posted this on the leaving board (which is normally my home board) I would get a run message, and I do not want to run.  I am not entirely sure what I want.   So I guess I am asking for help in determining what is going on.   My thinking is calm but not terribly clear.   Should I let our newly reestablished communication develop on its own using my skills and tools that I have learned?   Should I consider our fraught history and try and curtail the r/s again?  I am sure my family is all in favor of that one.  I certainly do not want to add any pain to an already pain filled relationship.

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.

'ducks

A lot of times in these relationships, we are as much a part of the cycle of conflict as  the partner - or we don't know how to put out small fires and then they become big fires.

Do you think that is a big part of it?

What did you fight over?  How did you fight?

Skip

I would say in this specific case, never having heard of BPD, I didn’t know how to put the small fire out and it became a big fire usually before I even noticed something was a blaze.

I am pretty conflict avoidant; almost never lose my temper, maybe once or twice a year, never struck anything in my life until that day in April.  My reputation is to become calmer as the situation worsens.  Typically I deflect conflict with humor which becomes sarcasm and then black humor as the situation degrades. 

No matter how the fight started we almost always ended up in the same two places.   The first was I wasn’t making enough effort to meet her needs.  Sometimes we could recover from that one. 

The second issue we cycled back to over and over.  I have very few surviving family members.   I am very close to one member of my family, exceedingly so.   We survived a usual experience and recovered together, which left us with a deep bond.  My partner and my family member loathed each other and both acted on their feelings. 

In our final argument, my partner gave me an ultimatum to limit my own contact with my family member and I refused.  We had discussed this for months, sometimes with a therapist, to no avail. 

Our arguments were circular and lengthy.  I could feel them brewing and there would be a tipping point and the barrage would unleash.   I would do my best to avoid and evade incrimination but never could.  They were very strange arguments because the perspective was so skewed,  she would say things like “I have to walk on egg shells around you because you are so difficult to be with” and I would be totally baffled.   I would try and talk my way through it and the discussion of course would go to pieces.    We didn’t shout, we didn’t swear but somehow it always felt like we were.

Thanks for the question Skip.  It was helpful to think through them and put my thoughts into words.

'ducks