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Title: Got an apology Post by: 123Phoebe on July 23, 2014, 03:28:11 PM Hello
I posted a small hijack in joshbjoshb's thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229626.0) about a situation that arose with my SO yesterday. (Sorry joshbjoshb) In short, he wanted to give my dog a treat that we both agreed prior to this, he shouldn't be eating. When he left it was on good terms, so to receive an apology today was icing on the cake and it let me know that we really are making huge strides in our relationship, that the TOOLS here really do work |iiii He's apologized in the past, so he isn't opposed to it necessarily, but it's usually been after a pretty big deal. I'd say this was more of a minor annoyance. He apologized for being in a bad mood, that work stress is getting the better of him, it's getting him down and he'll get over it. He said that seeing my dog's face light up lightens his mood, that it's contagious. I thanked him for being such a good friend to my dog, accepted his apology and let it go at that. We started talking about other things. So... . What I've learned from this is that the way I respond to him during a prickly situation can make a world of difference. Staying true to my values while not stomping all over his helps to bring us closer together I hope that this helps someone else in similar shoes :) Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: Rapt Reader on July 23, 2014, 06:19:26 PM So... . What I've learned from this is that the way I respond to him during a prickly situation can make a world of difference. Staying true to my values while not stomping all over his helps to bring us closer together That's great, 123Phoebe |iiii That is what I've found, also... .I made big changes in the way I react to my Husband's actions and feelings when they are dysregulated or seem "off" to me, by listening and validating his position and not arguing or defending myself. S.E.T. really has become my standard response to everything that used to be contentious between us. In fact, by doing this I see all the "old behaviors" of my own that just fanned the flames or pushed his buttons in the first place. Really humbling experience to realize my own part in our dysfunctional "dance" from before I hope that this helps someone else in similar shoes :) It should, 123Phoebe... .It's great to see that these new behaviors and responses of our own can really make a difference. It really sounds like you have gotten things under control for the most part, no? Which tools do you use mostly, or at least, in this situation? S.E.T.? I was just curious what you said and did... .It's great to hear of your success |iiii Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: 123Phoebe on July 24, 2014, 05:17:52 AM It's great to see that these new behaviors and responses of our own can really make a difference. It really sounds like you have gotten things under control for the most part, no? Which tools do you use mostly, or at least, in this situation? S.E.T.? I was just curious what you said and did... .It's great to hear of your success |iiii Hi Rapt Reader, thanks for your response and I'm happy to hear that you're finding peace within your family :) Yes, the new behaviors and responses of my own have been the key to unlock the door to a fulfilling relationship. Understanding my own fight or flight mode and what would send me there = invalidation. If feeling invalidated, not taken seriously, disrespected etc. sends me there, it would make sense that it would send him there as well = empathy. Waverider talks a lot about not being invalidating, which I think for a lot of us is a great steppingstone, as getting into S.E.T. when we're not really sure how to do it or what it means can make things worse (stop making things worse). It can come off as unauthentic, disingenuous. I do use S.E.T. a lot. Even when I'm mad and speak from that place, that it is me who is angry, can be validating when it's rooted in my own personal values and boundaries. He wants to know the REAL me, not some psych-speak robot, fumbling through to appease him, or placing blame all over him, afraid to come out from behind the curtain (my own unhealthy narcissism). So yea, what you said about it being a humbling experience speaks to me big time. My ways of coping were just as dysfunctional as his. I had to quit pointing my finger at him :light: There will be times that we don't see eye to eye, that's life. As I've said numerous times on these boards, trusting and believing in myself with respect for him and the relationship helps in getting us to a happier, healthier place. I can't say enough thanks, to bpdfamily and the staff and members that make this a safe and wonderful place to heal our own souls The bolded words above are in the Lessons, TOOLS, to help us heal |iiii This is the post from joshbjoshb's thread on criticism. Maybe I could've done better, maybe how I handled it was just fine. The outcome is what matters to me. Excerpt Oh yes, joshbjoshb, I know this situation well-- dealing with criticism. If I keep it in line with how I feel about something, rather than what he's doing wrong, it seems to keep things calm. Just had a sampling of it today; is something in the air? I have a very old dog that my SO absolutely adores. He's amazing to him and really really cares about him. Last week he had too many goodies, too many doggie-bags etc... I'm trying to keep him on low sodium as the adverse effects are obvious. I made him special food (that he gobbles up and it crazy about) to go along with his regular food. Told SO of this and he was in full agreement. He wanted to come by after work today to give him one of his favorite (high sodium!) treats. I said "Sure, come by to say hi, but he shouldn't have high sodium treat". When he got here and was greeted by a very excited dog, he felt bad that he couldn't give him this favorite treat. The look on SO's face was too much when he accusingly said, "I can't give him this treat... ". It kinda teed me off. I handed him a boiled piece of chicken to give him instead. He had the salty treat in his pocket and made a little fuss that my dog could smell it in his pocket. Why did he bring it in in the first place? I didn't say this of course angel I said, "Okay, give him a little teeny weeny corner of it. While I appreciate how much joy it brings you to make him happy, it's better for him not to have the whole thing. He's feeling good, getting around awesomely and I'd like to keep it that way". He understood and got over his own little snit about it. I could blame this on BPD and think all kinds of things, which my mind did want to do, it wanted to spin! Instead, I validated what was good-- the fact that he makes special trips over because he adores my dog and wants to bring happiness to his life smiley What he can't or doesn't understand when his own feelings are in the forefront, is that the short-term "fix" doesn't help the long-term gain... . Luckily, he's catching on Doing the right thing What I didn't do what act on my spinning mind, ":)on't you listen? Don't you care that salt is bad for him? Weren't we JUST talking about this? WTH? Jeez." lol I'm catching on, too Welcome! There's even more good that has come from this, but I have to get ready for work! Wish I could stay here all day instead lol Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: Rapt Reader on July 25, 2014, 03:24:43 PM So yea, what you said about it being a humbling experience speaks to me big time. My ways of coping were just as dysfunctional as his. I had to quit pointing my finger at him :light: There's even more good that has come from this, but I have to get ready for work! Wish I could stay here all day instead lol Although your entire post was very interesting and helpful, I need to agree with you about finding out about my own ways of coping being just as dysfunctuional as my Husband's. It has amazed me that the healthier I get within this relationship, in how I handle things and react to things, the healthier my Husband gets in return. Funny how that works And I wish you could stay here all day, too :) I'd love to hear the other good things that have come from all of this for you *) Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: 123Phoebe on July 25, 2014, 06:18:35 PM I'd love to hear the other good things that have come from all of this for you *) He made my dog some homemade treats :) Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: allbeengone on July 27, 2014, 12:56:28 AM Haha that is good! Same thing happened to me! My uBPD friend and I had a minor fight but to my surprise she actually came and apologized to me. She admitted that she overreacted and "realized" I was only trying to help.
Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: waverider on July 27, 2014, 07:44:08 AM The less they perceive you are going to "have a go at them", the less defensive they are, and the more they are likely to own their part, a little bit at a time
Again an example of how working on us improves them as a byproduct. Feels more rewarding to |iiii Title: Re: Got an apology Post by: formflier on July 27, 2014, 08:24:08 PM Before I joined this site... .I considered myself to be a victim of sorts... .and that any of my responses to my wifes behaviors were earned by her... .or that they were a normal reaction to an extreme situation. Anyway... .I know totally understand that I was dysfunctional as well. Very humbling to think that I was as much of problem as she was. |