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BPD wife wants to leave me.  Wants me out of her life.  Has said things so horrible and described me as somebody I hate.  She is so hurt by me and believes so much that I do not see as happening and misconstruing the fact that in an argument I said that I had given up things for her as me saying my life would be better without her.

I keep coming here and saying similiar things but I cannot get it through my head what is the truth...

I hate myself.  I hate what she says I am and what I have done.  I hate that she feels this way.  I hate that she says she is going to do all she can to destroy me as I have destroyed her in her mind.  I know she is hurt, but how can I even validate and support her if she says everything I say is bull___ and that I really do not care and that im just saying crap.  That i am just lying and faking when I am not

What about the kids?  I just want to die.  I really want to die.  I tell her that what she is saying is so extreme and to please stop with how bad and horrible the things, that I cannot take it.  I try walking away and that seemst o invalildate her, but the abuse... i want to kill myself rather than hear anymore.  I tell her that I cannot handle it, that I cannot take it.  She says im lying... my religion will not let me, but I do not know what I believe anymore.  If you had asked me 3 y ears ago about suicide I would say its selfish, but now I complete understand it.  Its relief.

She is miserable, and I am miserable, but she sees me as the enemy.  Past 20 minutes she has said im selfish, crazy, liar, dangerous, uncaring, unloving, she hates me, she wishes she had never met me, she plans on destroying me, she plans on taking kids from me, saying all sorts of untrue things, totally invalidating anything.  As I cry she gets more angry and verbal.  She says she will tell police im dangerous cause I slammed a door.  She says i do nothing...

I love her, usually i can take it, but sometimes the abuse gets too much and i will say something like, "you're evil".  I mean after 20 minutes of being berated... literally being woken up to be berated...   I have said that twice in my life and that is the worst of it.  She then says I killed our marriage with that and its all my fault and I have to live with that.

I work alot yes, but I cut it back to under 50 hours a week generally... never more than 53 hours.  She say she is always alone.  She cleans houses on occasion, but nothing regularly.  I dont know... We cannot afford BPD therapy and the rest of her meds at $1800 a month without me working this hard.  Am I wrong?

she says she wants to be angry again and therapy is taking that away.  that anger is better than the suffering of the depression.  that im changing her.  I do not want that.  I do not want her to do anything she doesnt want to besides just not be abusive to me... i dont think that is too much to ask

What has happened?  I do not know how to make it through this

I feel for you HurtHusband. It sounds like a very stressful situation. The only thing you can control and make positive changes to is YOU. No matter what you do or what your decision is you need to focus on doing things that will make positive changes in your life. You can't focus on trying to control or fix her because you can't but you can put up boundaries and make positive changes in your own actions that will lead you to being healthy and at peace. You need to do this for YOU and your child.

I would start by seeing a T for YOUR issues not hers. Even if you stay in the marriage you can only work on your 50% the other 50% is up to her. I would also see a lawyer to protect yourself and your child's interests post divorce. She may be doing stuff behind the scenes already preparing a case against you. I would take her threats seriously! Don't be caught off guard.

Good luck Brother

Sincerely... .MWC *)

im screwed on kids cause they are not bilogically mine.  honestly, i wish if she wants this she would get a lawyer already and get the ball rolling.  I do not like this limbo of we together or not.  I want us together...

the problem is she is dangerous.  she will cut her nose to spite her face which means she will try and hurt anyone i care about to hurt me. 

Hey man,

Much of what you say resonates with me.  I was in some pretty low places when I was married to my uBPDw.  But you know what?  It isn't your fault.  You are just a man.  Not even God could fulfill all their wants.  You cannot fill a black hole.  I know it probably won't stick, but maybe it will start to if you hear it enough times: it's *not you*.  It's her.

That doesn't mean you are perfect.  But no one should have to be "perfect", and nobody can be, in a relationship.  A marriage that is like that is extremely destructive and selfish.  Of course you are this "awful" person to her... .she *needs* you to take that blame so that she doesn't have to.  But it doesn't belong to you.

You say you "have to live with that".  Live with what?  Live with her lies?  No, you don't.  You don't have to carry false blame, and that is what it is.  She's been using you as a pack mule to carry all of her shame, and you've been carrying it.  Time to stop.  I would call her "evil," too, because it sounds like that is how she is acting.  There is no shame in calling things as they are, and definitely no shame in *seeing* things how they are.   Listen to what you see, not what she says.  She will always try to undermine what you see by putting blame on you.  That is how she controls you.  

But it does get better.  If she wants to leave you, then (to me) that is a blessing in disguise.  No one should have to live under such oppressive, dominating abuse, and I can tell from the state you are in that this is what you've been living with.  I know it hurts, but you *will* see the light at the end of the tunnel.  You will walk out of this.  You will.  It may not seem like it, but you will.  I was just talking to a friend of mine who is a pastor.  He told me this some years back, about how there would be a day when I was on the other side of all of this pain.  I didn't believe him, at the time.  But now, I'm on the other side of it.  And I sat and enjoyed a beer with him and chatted about life, happily.

its limbo... because i do not think she will file for divorce, but she will emotionally use it to beat me. she will think about it and probably would, but she feels stuck with me because i enabled her behavior and her not to build a future.  i thought when i encouraged her to change from English major to Art major i was encouraging her to do what would make her happy cause she wanted to, but now she feels she cannot get a job so she is stuck with me cause she cant be financially independent...

i screwed up things for her so badly in that respect by enabling. 

Well... .it's limbo until you decide to take your life back.  And that doesn't mean a divorce, necessarily.  It is an internal choice that starts to lead to a new path for you.  It is not easy.  It is extremely hard.  But it starts with a seed and grows.

I mean really... .why fault yourself for encouraging her to do something she loves?  Anybody who cares about someone would do that.  Now, of course she will probably use it against you, but that is because SHE is wrong, not you.  :)ifference.  

I know how it goes.  We become trained into thinking completely in terms of how everything will impact them.  How sad!  We are brainwashed into completely revolving around them.  But, my friend, there is nothing wrong with you realizing that she isn't God and not the center of the universe.  There's nothing wrong with you taking your life back.  You don't exist to fulfill her happiness (which would be impossible anyway!)

I'm sorry hurthusband - you're in a difficult position at the moment.  I understand. There  is a lot of guilt attached to these types of relationships and we gradually get depressed, our self esteem is affected and we are emotionally exhausted from the unrelenting devaluation and denigrations.  Your intentions  as friendly and well intended as they are - are met with verbal abuse, disproportionate anger and vitriol from the person that we love. The pendulum from idealization to devaluation shortens and her rage cycles rapid quickly.

This is the machinations of BPD a serious mental disorder. Please don't be hard on yourself. She has difficulties seeing the great areas in life and in people and she will overvalue you or undervalue you - splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects her from her core wound. Trauma that she is reliving in the past in the here and now - a sort of transference,  reenactment of events from someone else through you.

Her projections and attaching her negative feelings and actions unto you is likely making you feel a lot of her guilt and these r/s are difficult and you begin to self-doubt. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Why is she acting this way when I'm trying to be peacemaker? Am I going crazy?

Many members have experienced this reflection on themselves - including myself and it is F.ear O.bligation G.uilt - FOG - emotional blackmail. She is triggered, a pwBPD will threaten when she's in a dissociate phase and rage. It's a flight ir fight response. I have 4 children - 3 with her and one she had from a previous r/s and it's hurtful when she involves threats regarding the kids. Your SO knows which buttons to press and she's pressing them right now I'm so sorry . I'll echo myeifecrazy and a marriage is a partnership 50/50 but your spouse is mentally ill and as much as she would like to be able to meet you in the middle - she can't always. She is projecting her feelings of guilt and shame with the marriage on you - understand that it cannot be all of your fault and she's  putting, that on you because of her dysfunctional coping tools.

BPD are emotionally arrested at the level of a young child and what you are witnessing with the disproportionate anger is abandoned child mode - an interpersonal rejection and you as the punitive parent. It's not about you it is about her. She is emotionally dysregulated when she's in a rage and there's not much that you can unfortunately. I will provide you with a link that will help you to frame your thoughts with the experience you and the children are going through.

There is hope hurt husband. I share a similar experiences with members here.

Are the kids present when she's dysregulated? Is there an issue with safety for you and the kids? Have you spoken to an MD about depression?


BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92543.20)

Kids are not in danger.  She hasnt been physically abusive in a long time.  Mentally... very.  Its worse than physical honestly.

She is in DBT therapy but she hates it.  She wants to go back to hating everything than deal with depression.  She says its my fault for changing her

I was going to an MD for the past 15 years until this past month.  I just cant afford everything as the sole consistant income.  Its $1800 for her therapy and all alone a month.  Nevermind my meds, kids, insurance, etc.

I do not know how to get out of this without destroying her.  I do not have anger or hate that I can tell towards her.  I have passive agressiveness.  I have let her isolate me.  I am alone.  If we seperate she can get worse... she has nothing to lose at that point.  No job, no finances, no nothing.  she has threatened to go after people i care about.  Im a bit of a hostage.  It would be easier if i didnt like her or loved her less, but i dont.  I feel sorry for her.  Im really messed up

Do you mean that you are conflict avoidant? A protective mode to shield and protect from the trauma that you are going through - because you aren't sure what to do with her behaviors?  A passive-aggressive person has enjoyment with indirect anger for someone else.

I'm sorry about the financial difficulties, I understand.

I thought I was alone until I came to bpdfamily and found members from all walks of life that understood what I was going through - because they walked a mile in my shoes. We're not alone hurthusband.

I understand that you are worried about her and that you care, she is your spouse. What sorts of things do you do when things are difficult at home? When your spouse is in an emotionally dysregulated state - to take time away from her emotional dysregulation and reframe your thoughts. Taking a time out for everyone involved - she may feel like she's being abandoned but letting her know your going out to run an errand with SS11 and SS14 and will be back. A pwBPD cycles through emotional states rapidly and she may even dissociate (have amnesia) over the episode.

i am very much so conflict avoidant.  When I say passive aggressive, i mean if i am going to do anything it is make a comment or something like that, but we are talking like not even weekly in an argument and those happen daily.

she gets dysregulated and pummels me even when i am not there... at work or anywhere else.  ill try and lock myself in another room or leave... doesnt help

I've been in your shoes hurthusband with the daily rages and acting out. I would step into the house after work, accused of the way I look at her, the tone of my voice and anything in her distorted belief system triggered her in the devaluation phase. She is mentally ill. My heart goes out to you and the boys   This is really tough for all 3 of you.

I think terms are getting mixed up here and she is projecting her feelings of shame and guilt - negative attributes and actions and attaching it unto you. It's her defense mechanism protecting her core wound. Her feelings, actions and in this case rages and tantrums belong to her - she owns that but tries to offshoot it unto someone else and its directed at the people closest to her. Your the closest person to her and your SS' - but this isn't your passive aggressiveness and it's conflict avoidance. Your conflict avoidant by going into another room is shielding you from trauma because you're not quite sure how to handle her actions. There's nothing wrong with that, this is confusing behavior and everything that you do doesn't seem to work because of her dysfunctions. We don't need to pathologize everything but her trauma is not your fault. She is blaming you and throwing up FOG and you feel guilty for her inappropriate behaviors. Give yourself a break hurthusband.

Her fear of abandonment is triggered (real or perceived) that's why your getting this acting out I'm sorry and her distortions to others are likely triggering anger and frustration in you but her actions are her own - you control yours. If she's throwing a tantrum leave the house for awhile.

You don't need to subject yourself to that type of behavior and there's nothing you can do to reason with her or calm her down. This is a fight or flee response that she is going through. It will dissipate by disengaging - I suggest leaving the house when she in this state as difficult as it is with her push / pull behavior. I used to get frantic cell calls when was I going to come back minutes after I left. Depersonalize the behavior and don't feel sorry for her but leave for a mental break for you - this is emotionally exhausting and depressing?

How does that sound while you're taking inventory if you are going to leave or stay?

Since you are married, I believe you should do everything in your power to make your marriage work, even if that means you have to temporarily separate.  Sounds like you both still love each other, and that is GREAT!

Ask her what she wants and give her just that and tell her clearly what you want.  try a crystal clear approach.  Ask her her ideas on how you can both get your needs met.  It sounds like she is pretty in touch with herself. 

You both have to stretch yourselves right now, and both of you need to make compromises . She isn't completely insane, just partially, or you wouldn't have married her right?  I'm not saying she's right, I'm just suggesting you try bending more-so.  When she calls you names, simply cut her off.  Leave the house or ask her to leave--just not forever.  I can already tell she is super paranoid and assessing you wrongly.  You know she is wrong.  But something in her wants a deeper connection.  Help her find it.  That's what marriage is all about.

beachtalks, unfortunately I have to disagree with a lot of what you said.  I applaud the spirit of your message, but in my opinion it doesn't take into account a realistic portrait of a pwBPD.  Telling the person married to a person with BPD to bend more to their "needs" and basically revolve more around their needs is probably the worst thing I can think of.  It would only reinforce and enable the one-way self-focus on their own perceived needs.  Part of what makes BPD so destructive is how the person demands those closest to them revolve completely around their perceived needs, and then controls and puts them down for never being able to fulfill those needs (which is never possible).  So, I think encouraging someone to reinforce and encourage that cycle is not good.  The only way to survive is to find an anchor in reality again and hold on to that anchor in reality for dearlife -whether we stay or leave.

Yes, I have to agree here.  I think a major reason why I am at the point I am not is because a couple of years ago instead of trying to balance us, I decided to try the tact of bending as far as possible for her.  Literally doing everything she thought would fix things.  The problem was I met all of her goals, but then things extended

Those changes have resulted in $40k in debt in 1.5 years time while 0 before, losing 15 lbs in the past 3 months (I already was fit and only 162 lbs at 5'11), instead of working out regularly 4 days a week, working out only on occasion, cutting off all my friends, cutting off my family, causing problems for my family, getting fired due to bending over to meet her needs at work when she called (got rehired back after talk with boss), spending literally an average of 1 hour a week on myself (that means TV or any hobbies), and pretty much have lost any identity.  Also means accepting physical abuse and mental abuse.  I have purchased for myself 1 item in past 1.5 year and a pair of shoes... btw I make 6 figures and am reduced to this because she spends everything

Meanwhile, she went to college, changed majors, got a dwi, wrecked a car, removed all flooring from our home, went to Europe then demanded me get her a ticket back within an hour one day cause she was pissed, damaged my vehicle in rage, kicked out windshields, and refuses to basically take any job now because she only wants to do something she woudl like at all times, and does not involve people, and pays $50 an hour starting out... and i just smiled and was supportive.

I realized that as I fed into and enabled that it became expected and ok to do anything.  The hard thing is that now I have to judge what is fair and what is not, but individually we are all biased

hurt husband, no one can tell you what to do but can only offer advise based on experience.  Your situation is complicated and you surely are in distress. I was married to a very aggressive NPD for decades who did much the same. I did much of what you did and are doing. I never saw a way out. Ever.  I agree with the majority here.  I am out! I got out! My life is incredible now. It truly is a new life and I cant tell you how good it feels to not have to live that way.  Whatever you choose, you are among supporters here.  Sorry for what you are going through and sending support.

Thank you for your words.  I probably should have left long ago.  It is my fault on that regards.  At same time, I do have to give credit to her in that while the dysregulation does happen, it has gone from every day of misery to half the week being pleasant.  Now, the hard part is that I am just worn down and even if less frequent it is hard to handle things, but therapy is working for her...

I always say that it is not somebody's fault for having a mental illness or addiction, it is their fault if they do not seek help though.  She is seeking help and working on it so part of me feels I should stick it out a bit longer and give her a chance... maybe I am wrong...

Re: How much is my fault... .

The thing that always helps me see through the FOG is accepting that at the heart of her rage against me is *some* kernel of truth, but only a kernel.  For example, I tend to work long hours at the expense of family time.  My BPDw will turn that into, "You always put work first.  Family is not a priority to you.  You love your job more than us."  In the past I'd really start questioning if she's really right and feel awful about myself.  Now my takeaway is that perhaps my family (and I) would benefit more by having me around more and cutting back on work hours, but the whole "family is not a priority" or "love your job more than us" is all just FOG-related.

Our last MC said it best when addressing my wife's rages:

"These rages are like alcoholism.  Yes, you both have issues that you need to work on to better your marriage, but the alcoholism looms over everything.  Until the drinking stops, the other issues are difficult to properly address."

So yes, you are not perfect and you have faults that need improvement.  But the BPD looms over everything; The drinking needs to stop.

I have cut back my work... was at 53 hours a week, but now around 46.  At same time, she does not have a steady income.  Her college loans are coming due now, and she always complaining how we do not have enough money and do not get to do stuff.

So if she will not get a job, and she wants all this stuff... .the only way is me to work.  So its a catch 22.

I feel sick at the moment.  I am tired... Very tired.  I cannot compartmentalize things well.

The guilt of being blamed and the marriage failing and us failing and her failing as a result of her thinking its me is worse than an affiar or worse than if it was just like even a cancer death.  Thats my issue... but i have no control over her.  Not that I would want that, but my only option is to leave... and that results in guilt too

Those feelings of "guilt" subside in time.  Sometimes, quickly.  Took me only a few weeks of working with my T.  Now, I am sometimes sad about the good times and small memories, but I feel 1000X better than I ever did with her.

I spent almost my entire marriage "fighting for him"  And it was mostly saving him from himself.

Drug use, alcohol abuse and eventually cheating on his end.  But I was supposed to "fight for him"  I did.  A lot.  It was exhausting and messed me up mentally.  The world revolves around him and if I didn't do what he expected (yet I was expected to read his mind about that - if he had to "tell me what he wanted" then I obviously didn't love him enough or know him well).

Typing this out makes me realize exactly how one sided my marriage was.  I had the love blinders on.  Now that they've been removed, I want to kick myself for enabling him for so long.

But I have to thank him for making me the strong individual I am today.  I'm now no one's doormat.  My spine is made of titanium.

those are empowering words there in past two posts...

Ok... how should i handle this situation?

My wife got a DUI back in early June.  My mother referred had an attorney get my wife out since I did not know any.  My wife does not get along with my mother and does not trust her so what I did was moment I got her out said this was the attorney my mother gave us to get her out and that it maybe best if we get one she wants.  The reason is if something did not go right i did not want it to be another "its your moms fault". 

After a couple of weeks the attorney was getting on my wife's nerves.  She did not trust him.  He is a bit older and without folders in front of him would forget her name if she called out of the blue.  She was worried that the first court date which was July 7 I believe, she had to be at based on the documents she was sent but the attorney said no.  She called the court and around June 25 asked to speak with my mother on the issue.  Turns out the attorney was correct and did not have to be there.  I then found out around July 9th that she had another court date for August 7th that she did need to be at.  My mother had said she would make sure and be any hearing for her, but did not know a date yet.  Turns out on July 4th my mother booked a flight to Europe on the 6th for a 4 day vacation.  My mother kept asking me when the date was, and when I finally gave it she was a bit upset because she was out of town then. 

When I told my wife though, she said she had texted and told me back on June 25th it was August 7th, and told my mother too.  I do not recall this though.  I seem to recall not finding out until the first court hearing when she had one on the 7th which was also after my mother booked her flight.  If that is the case, I cannot blame my mother, but what if I am misremembering?

My wife feels totally betrayed and thinks my mother is selfish and evil.  Do I say something to my mother?

In addition, my wife expressed to me concerns she has over attorney, and I can see why she would have some concern.  My mother even thinks we should switch attorneys, and I have found numbers of a couple, but my wife is not picking up the ball on it, and honestly im terrified to bring it up cause it always leads to a fight.

This all lead last night to me being told I myself am the problem in her life, she is annoyed by me, nobody cares about her... She says she cannot live with me if I keep working 6 days a week and if I keep working with my mother.  O yea, about 4 years ago my grandfather died and i started helping out with family business.  Slowly I have taken on more and more, but without it, I do not know how we will make ends meet since my wife only works part time cleaning houses and hates it, and between BPD therapy and meds... If I am not making 6 figures, we have no chance at making ends meet.  I have no clue what else I can do to enable us to make ends meet...

I do not like working 6 days a week and I have cut it back from 53 hours a week to about 47 hours a week on average.  I do not do anything with my mother outside of work and literally only see here about 15 minutes a day since we work in different areas of business.   I am 36 now and I have been working 6 days since I known her.  I do not like it but it should pay off and have a better shot at paying big bucks and allowing us to have more.  I say that cause she is constantly upset we do not have more.

What should i do?  tell mom off?  quit job?  stand firm?

hurthusband,

Oh, how I don't envy your situation.  When I was married to my uBPDw, there was constantly conflict with my parents (and her family as well, as a matter of fact).  I was constantly put into a position where I was expected to take her side and villify my own parents.  Many times, I did!  My ex had a way of taking seemingly legitimate complaints and using them to "paint" my parents "black", as these utterly evil people.  Now, of course my parents are not perfect people.  They have quirks, they have expectations that differ (more traditional), and they have things that can be annoying, but they are nothing atypical and there was never a sinister motive to anything they did.

And as far as the job situation... .I had a great job the entire time I was married, and my wife (at the time) seemed supportive at times but really did nothing to help me do my job.  She complained we didn't have enough money, even though I made nearly twice what her friends made, and she spent it all on all of these things for the house or clothes or trips or whatever.  We never had any savings or anything, and I always felt the pressure to provide, but it was never enough.

As gently as I can say it, here are two FACTS when you are married to a BPD woman.  I'm sure there may be exceptions out there somewhere in the universe, but by and large these are facts.  Actually, as I'm writing this, I think it comes down to ONE fact:

-You will never do enough.

You will never do enough to cater to their needs, their wounded feelings, or their demand to have more... .more money, more time from you, more attention, more focus on their feelings.  And the more you try, the more you walk on eggshells, the crazier you feel, and the less they appreciate it.  I remember being put down because I "focus too much" on her, even though everything she did punished me for not focusing on her enough.

So, what I'm getting at is that you have to take the whole idea of trying to please your wife and throw it out the window.  You cannot live by that, because it is like trying to build on shifting sand.  What she wants one minute will completely contradict what she wants the next.  And you will go insane.  It is NOT your job to make her happy.  That is not what marriage is about.  You are not the sole custodian of her happiness, as much as she tries to make you it.  So, you have to come to your own conclusions about what you want to do, what you think is reasonable and fair, and you have to stick to it yourself and realize that she is going to find something wrong with it.  That's just the way it goes.  You stick to what you think is best, what you think is right, and you have to almost not care about the tantrums she throws.  Know what I'm saying?

I'm not saying you say, "I don't care."  I'm saying at the end of the day, after you've listened to her gripe about how evil your mom is or how you don't do enough for her, you need to NOT let that get to you.  You need to know, for yourself, that you did right and that you are doing your best.  Not easy, but that is where you need to be.  The more you let her set the expectations of what is normal, the more crazy you will feel.

I know you want to avoid fights at all cost, and while you can certainly learn to communicate things or detach yourself in ways that minimize conflict, you basically have to let that ship sail and let it go.  You can't live your life trying to avoid pissing her off.  That isn't living.  That's "walking on eggshells" -the very thing we're all here to stop doing.  That's more like slavery, and it's basically letting the person control the relationship who *thinks* that if they get their way all the time they will finally be happy, but in reality won't.

Thanks... need to constantly hear that or I feel like I am insane...

I now things are bad when I do not drink, I do not like alcohol, I just do not use it, but last night was so horrible, that I drank a bottle of wine myself.  Took the edge off for sure, and was able to relax.  Although I feel crappy today cause I did not sleep and my body just not used to alcohol, of course thats how alcoholics start.  Use alcohol to get away from problems... .

She responding to me at all today.  I partly expect her to have moved out when I get home.  Honestly, I cannot say thats a horrible thing.  It is better than me moving out.  I mean I feel I cannot go to my parents because it then looks like I am siding with them and thats the only family I have left in town and I have no friends anymore, cept ones she associates with and while they would let me crash at their place, I do not think they realize that my wife will view them as traitors and I would not do that to them

I know this only too well.  While she rarely overtly said, ":)on't hang out with them," her disdain for so many people over the years led me to constantly shy away from so many people and so many families.  I always felt like I had to choose between her and them, so naturally I chose my wife.  There were times when my parents actually left early from visiting us because things were so bad, and times where I went months not talking to them and somtimes a year or two not talking to her family.  As far as friends go, now that I am not with her any longer, I'm catching up and reconnecting with friends I haven't seen in a few years, and it feels good.  They have been secretly pulling for me the entire time.

And of course, when I got cozy with any of her friends, she would accuse me of "stealing" them.  In reality, they saw how she treated me and saw that I'm not really the monster she wanted to portray me as, so they eventually sided with me... .or did so silently because they lived under her FOG as well, being afraid to piss her off.  Not a good way to live, no sir.

Regardless of what you choose, you will live through it.  You WILL get through it, even though it may not feel like it at times.  This is the journey where you take your life back, regardless of the outcomes with her.  And that is the big, big deal you have to swallow with all of this: take your life back and let go of the outcomes with her, no matter what happens.  Hang on tight, but keep your eyes fixed on your goal.  Everything she does will pressure and tempt you to take your eyes off of that and run back to walking on eggshells and putting out her fires.  But that isn't your job.  It really isn't.  If anything, your job is to stand on your own two feet and, while loving her, reflect reality and truth to her.  Otherwise, we're basically helping them remain like grown children.

Quote from OOE:

It is NOT your job to make her happy.  That is not what marriage is about.

It's not our jobs to make anyone happy because we can't. We can only control our thoughts and actions to hopefully become Healy and happy people. Our goal is to find someone who is like minded. If that happens for me I will consider it a blessing and give thanks to God. If I don't find that person I will be single but still happy. I've learned my lesson and will accept nothing less.

Good words OOE!

MWC *)

Thanks MWC :).  But I understand the pressure.  We want to make the person we love happy.  And we want to know that they are happy.  How does the saying go?  "Happy wife, happy life," right?  But yeah, you really can't make another person happy.  You can add to their happiness, like icing on a cake, but someone is looking to have you fill some deep hole for them, you won't be able to no matter how hard you try.  So, the sooner we realize that and stop taking that position in the relationship, the better, I believe.  It's about a position, a dynamic.  But man, it is HARD to start turning that ship in a new direction.  VERY hard.

You find happiness in you and you can't find that happiness in someone else and vice versa. If you need to have someone else to make you happy - there's a problem.


I wasn't happy in my marriage and tried and tried and tried to make my wife happy to no avail. No amount of my love was enough. I agree it's not about having a position in the r/s or being put in a one down one up position it is a dynamic.

I'm not sure what you are going to "stand firm" on. (I'd recommend standing firm on a boundary of not sticking around for verbal/emotional abuse, but I think I've suggested that before)

Quit your job? No. If YOU like working for the family business, keep working there. It isn't your wife's choice. (If you don't like working there, I'd recommend finding another job first!)

Tell your mom off? It won't help anything. Maybe your wife told you and your mom, and you forgot. Maybe your wife can't accept that she did something wrong, and has to blame somebody else.

Either way, the only question is will you ask your mom to cancel/re-schedule the trip to be at the hearing or not?


 I don't know that her leaving is actually likely.

What can you do to carve a little time out of your life... .not for work... .not for your wife... .but for yourself? Start with an hour a week. Just to be alone or to spend re-building a friendship or relationship with your family?

hurthusband, I'm so sorry she is making you feel very conflicted.  My ex did that a lot to me, too.

After years of dealing with similar crap that you are going through, I started focusing on the facts of the situation and not the feelings.  For ex, your wife got a DUI.  Her actions, not yours.  The whole ball of having to have an attorney was started because SHE chose to drink and drive and got caught.  In my humble opinion, she has no real leg to stand on in terms of demanding anything.  If she wants a new lawyer, she needs to do her own research.  Your mom was nice enough to help out and shouldn't be villanized for it.

Sounds like you like your job, you should stay with it if you like it.  You will never be able to fill the void in your wife's soul.  It's like a black hole, the more stuff (like time, money, compliments) you throw at it, the more she needs to fill it.  She will never be satisfied, this IS what BPD is all about.

Here's an example from my r/s with my ex that makes me feel for you.  My ex had his license.  Got too many speeding tickets (his fault) and got his license revoked (his fault).  Pleaded with me to help him out of the problem he created.  I was the only one working and refused to put one cent towards his screw up.  He wasn't allowed to drive.  But instead of him realizing that the reason I wouldn't give him the van was because HE screwed up, I became a controlling, evil wife that wanted to make him homebound and miserable (he had a bike, we have a lot of public transportation here, etc).  He tried for months to make me feel guilty for not letting him drive my van (in my name, needed it for my line of work).  One night he actually stole my keys and took it while I slept.  I woke up and he's gone and my van is gone.  When he finally got home a few hours later, he flipped out on ME because I was upset that he stole the van.  Oy vey.

The only thing you can do is reiterate, at least to yourself, that you ARE an amazing help to your wife.  She will never acknowledge that but WILL expect it.  This is a mental minefield for you to stay sane.

  I really, really feel bad for you.  Just remember, this is the consequence of your wife's own choices.  Don't let her make you feel obligated or bad.  You didn't do this.  She did.

its weird right now... one of my kids is with their real dad right now for July and first weekend of this month.  so i been sleeping downstairs in his room.  I went up to let her know i was leaving for work yesterday.  I know if i say nothing she will complain later on she woke up and had no clue what was going on.  So i did, and she didnt acknowledge.  I texted asking if she was ok later in day because she has gotten mad that i didnt once after a fight, no response.  I did not check or call or text again.  I would check with son on his cell to see what is going on since I had a feeling she *might* move out.  This is unusual for her.  So got home, we didnt talk.  She wasnt rude... she offered to go upstairs to let me use the living room tv cause she felt badly that i had nothing to do.  As a family we ate together but didnt talk...

rest of night seperate... dont get me wrong... its waaaaay better than arguing

Hurt,

I feel for you my brother.  I am in EXACTLY the same situation as you.

My wife is exactly like yours.  Mine grew up in a horrible environment that I did not find out about until years after I married her.  We have one son (10yrs) that I love dearly.  He is my only true joy.  I just shudder at what she is doing to him (and me).  The son loves us both (as a child should) and I cannot bear divorcing based upon what it would do to him.  I am his "saving Grace" according to my therapist.  I have to be there for him to help him through his childhood. 

I know the pain you are going through.  It is with my family daily as well.  I don't know the answer.  One thing I do know is that you are not alone.

God help us all.

It amazes me daily how many of these BPDs use the same WORDS. I have heard "fight for me", and the same lines about "not loving him enough" if I didn't read his mind about his need of the moment, and also that "if I loved him enough", all these things would "just happen naturally"... .

I am in the same predicament as you, hurthusband... .just plain WORN OUT... .even though the rages happen less frequently, (I think), although I definitely exist inside the OZ of FOG, and I am well aware of my own mind's having simply accepted a LOT of unacceptable behaviors toward myself and accepted them as "normal"... .I find myself still WANTING OUT now... .almost hoping for that one magical outburst that will convince my stubborn, brainwashed brain that NOW IS THE TIME to count myself worthy enough to escape this insanity and to have a peaceful, joyful, life, free of the BIG DARK CLOUD OF BPD... .

Not fun, not fun indeed... .Reading daily, praying for God's guidance... .Thankful for this message board and the fact that I am not alone... .

It's so nice to hear someone else say these words... .It's what my spirit is longing for... .God knows... .I trust Him... .Praying for Him to deliver me in His way/His timing if this is what He wills... .I know it's what my heart wants... .But I trust Him... .

The hard part is these people are sick.  They are self destructive and cannot help themselves.  It reminds of me schizophrenic people and how they refuse to take their meds because it just is in their heads.  

I am really at a loss at this moment... .Things are just limbo right now.  We live in the same house but do not really communicate at all.  She says nothing will change...

So now i am thinking, yup, I am done changing... soo... do i try out this limbo for awhile... it is certainly better than the arguing by far but it is not good neither.  Maybe she comes around and mentally works it out finally with herself to a degree that I am not going to cave this time, or do I just go ahead and seek divorce.

Not sure...  I do not know what is going to happen.  It is just a risk either way.  I know I cannot make her happy, but there is this protecting her from herself.

i know this... I am tired of fighting period.  I am like that person who has fought and then just lays limp as a ball and just takes the kicks.  I could go and divorce, but that is more fighting...  :)o not have the strength to do that.  The sad part and shameful part is that if she just left or died, it is like I could then not have to deal with this crap and could move on.  I would be devastated, but at the point the loss of her does not outweigh the guilt and FOG traps that I am in.  :)oes she have the capability to do okay without me?  Yes... Do i think she will?  I have severe doubts, because she has no resources currently, no support system, no idea what it is like to manage money or be alone, and while she is a hard worker, her default in the face of real life stress is complete breakdown and twice suicide attempts.

I said I would protect her... I made that promise being naive as to what BPD could do and to some of my own limitations, but I made it.  The guilt of leaving/sacrificing her and the kids to save myself... I just do not know.  If I am around, for another 6 years, I can at least get the kids out the door.  I just do not know if myself or her can survive another 6 years of this

Check out the karpman drama triangle.  Google it.  It helps diagram what goes on in situations like this... .her taking the role of victim, demanding that you become the rescuer, and then persecuting you into submission (or which provokes you to become a persecutor, in which case she gets to be the victim again).

Yea, I have seen it.  I see it happening.  The hard part of all of this is as the spouse of a BPD, we could always use the excuse that "its just their BPD" when in actuality they are right and we are doing something selfish, but we cannot see it because they have basically cried wolf so many times.  Therefore its hard to believe anything they say as real

@ Hurt and Keep,

God I feel like you both are feeling only I'm divorced. My insanity didn't start until I FINALLY caught her in an affair after a 20year relationship. I'm still part of her looney tunes world thanks to the fact that we have two minor children together. God it just sucks sometimes!

Hang in there guys... .Whatever your decision is! Praying for peace for you both.

MWC... .*)

This is why we have to come to our own conclusions.  I know that we see "selfish" as a dirty word and think probably one of the worst things in the world is to wake up realize we are "selfish", but two things:

1. All of us can be selfish; however, people who are worried about being selfish generally aren't acting selfishly.  We are usually too worried about looking selfish to ever do anything for ourselves.  And we have bought the lie that caring for ourselves is selfish.

2. What is better... .to ruminate and obsess about the 1% of the time we might accidentally do something selfish, and therefore entertaining every single accusation they throw at us, or listen to what we believe and what we think (and at times the opinions of a few trusted friends) and give ourselves a break that we may be wrong at times?  

Don't let your neurotic demand for perfection ("I must be so vigilant that I will NEVER discover that I've been selfish" keep you from listening to your own perceptions and being enslaved to everyone else's.  They may not be perfect, but once you start listening to them (and not the other person) you will find they are FAR more grounded in reality.  Let yourself be human.  Ya know?  I think you're just afraid of disappointing her and letting her feel the weight of her own problems.  I think in some sense you feel like it is your job to be her Hero and her Perfect Savior?

Hey T.I.H... .From our mouths to Gods ears. "Here I am Lord, it is I Lord"

MWC *)

Amen, M.W.C... . 

"Whom have I in heaven but You (LORD)?  And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:25-26)

I'd suggest that you take advantage of this peaceful time... .and create something for yourself that doesn't involve your wife or her kids. You can set a precedent now, and then stick to it if your wife decides to blow up over it.

Start small, but make a habit out of it--a few hours with a friend or family member once a week. (Didn't you say you let your friends go because of your wife? Can you call one up and try to re-start?)

This sort of thing will build up your strength for times you may need it later.

good reinforcement in past few posts...

dont worry about being selfish sometimes

carve out time for self

trust in a higher power

that is one thing I really wish my wife had was faith in God or anything at this point.  She is pretty much an atheist and it kind of angers her at same time.  Faith allows us to also not stress on our problems as much because we can relax and trust in something else.  That is immensely helpful for us mentally just from a health standpoint, never mind if it is correct.

Although, i do believe my belief is correct or why would i believe?

Reading your post I can relate to a lot of that.  My H does the same things, and I'm at the point I'm so broken I just can't stand to hear him talk anymore.  Nothing he complains about is reality.  It's all some conspiracy in his head.  When I try to interject reality it's like it doesn't matter to him because all that matters is whatever craziness he's made up in his head.

Though he's abused me in every possible way... .I'm still the bad guy because I never give him enough credit or attention.  He calls me all sorts of horrible names and awful things.  None of it makes sense to me anymore.  I'm pregnant and just lost my grandfather last week, and even that didn't stop the insults, name calling, and other abuse.

I hate myself... .I hate what I've let myself put up with through the years... .I hate that I've allowed our son to watch this stuff go on... .I hate that I'm bringing another child into this craziness.  I too believe at this point I'd be better off dead (though I don't want to die... .I'm not sure what could ever make this better).

sums up everything right there.  When my wife got accidentally pregnant, I will not go into the specifics of that... but she asked me what to do.  I said of course that I would support anything she thought was right.  She wanted my opinion, I said abortion, which is retrospect was a mistake.  I feel horrible about it and it let to a massive spiraling.

Now yesterday, she calls and says that today is the last day for school registration for kids, and she needs a utility bill with her name on it.  Well, the utility bills all have my name on it and we do not have the same last name cause she did not want to take it and i am the step father.  She goes ballistic.  I then dont get home til 8 because a haircut appointment ran over 20 minutes.  ballistic again.  She says we can go first thing this morning at 7 am before work.

she then doesnt want to go.  i offer to come home midday and handle it... she says no.

now the attorney is saying she must have something else she did cause the city is coming down on her so hard on a dwi.  She goes ballistic and says she needs a new attorney with court tommorow.  I do not know what to do.  I been saying for weeks lets look at new attorneys.  I have written them down. 

Everything seems a blur at the moment.  I cannot handle this.  I just cannot.  Boss leaving town today and I am in charge.  I literally want to die, but I have said that so many times here... its pathetic.  Its not fair to anyone here nor to my family.  She blames me for this all... and I do not know what to do.  I do not want to see her suffer anymore.  I do not want it.  I cannot handle it.  If I was dead then i would not have to witness it.  Divorcing and leaving doesnt mean she doesnt suffer.  it doesnt mean i dont stop carrying or feeling guilty or hurting for her.  she says everything i do makes her feel like ___ and she is moving out now

her mother is dying of cancer, she has a dwi trial, she has no career, no income, looks like we divorcing.  how can i not feel bad even if some of it is her fault?  what could i have done differently to prevent some of it? 

if it is not real, why do i feel it is?

Hi hurthusband,

My heart goes out to you. You are going through a lot of difficulties and I'm sorry. She's triggered and difficult to deal with. I understand, I've been there with my wife and it's so frustrating and confusing.


Unfortunately we can't change past events, You did the best you could do what more can be asked of you? It's affected you because you care, your heart is in it.

You have a lot on your plate and your boss is out of town. How are you managing at work right now?

highstrung... feel bit ready to snap. feel a bit out of body.  ultimately, the DWI thing is all that super worries me anymore.  Once that is finished, I can calm down because I do worry for her on that regardless of what happens to us.  If they take her license, how does she make a living?  what about the kids?

She's looking for a new attorney. Can she adjourn until she finds new representation?

i cant get her to see one... its all on me and i keep making her feel stupid and bad

What is she going in for tomorrow? I understand it's DUI but is it plea, adjournment, arraignment?

First time she required to be in court so I suppose arraignment

OK hurthusband,

I understand how difficult this is. You are trying to be helpful with your wife and she's acting out. It's tough. If it's her first appearance, it means that you have time on your side. Courts are stressful, I share a similar experience.

My wife was impulsive and had difficulties with being able to see the bigger picture but it would pass. This is difficult to see when there is so much going on and many emotions attached to that for you.

Can you accept that there is time. How does that look like for you?

Your efforts to "help" or "manage" her DUI trial and attorney choices aren't making things better. I would call it enabling her bad behavior rather than supporting her if you run around doing stuff that she demands... .or run around doing stuff she can't focus on and doesn't know she needs.

This is her problem--let her deal with it.

From the sounds of it, she will try to blame you for any and all bad outcomes. Not because they are your fault, but because she cannot (emotionally) handle taking the blame herself.

Give her the list of attorneys again and tell her that picking a new one (or staying with the existing one) is her choice and her job, and you don't know how to select the right one.

Then refuse to engage her with that issue anymore.

All you are getting when you let her engage you with this is verbal abuse and personal stress.

Does your wife have prior convictions, hurthusband? I think I remember you mentioning a series of incidents she has been involved in with other people--one possibly involving property damage.

If so, I wonder if the attorney/judge might be able to consolidate her cases under their mental health docket, if your county has one. It can be a way to see the bigger picture and get people the help they need. In my jurisdiction there's a sort of "social work" aspect to this type of management of an individual's ongoing legal problems.

I agree with Grey Kitty. If you step away from the DUI action, this could be a significant chance for your wife's problems to come to light. She does need professional help.

That sort of outcome would be a nice bonus. I was suggesting you step away because I cannnot right now imagine a scenario where you try to "help" and have anything good of it come from your wife.

My wife is in therapy... 2x a week with a psychologist and she has a psychiatrist she sees 1x a month usually.  Honestly, I think the psychatrist is a whacko.  She keeps prescribing her stimulants, and LOTS of them along with sleep aids saying her problem is mainly adult ADD. Her psychologist has her for BPD and I think that is on target

As far as mental health docket... .I will say while I am an independent, I would be a conservative, and even though I am a conservative, I am in the state of Texas and am appauled at how we treat mental health.  Honestly, mental health is not even factored in on anything it seems.  State of Texas actually spends less on mental health per person than any other state in the USA and is one of the more financially successful states so go figure.  There is just about nothing for mental health here...

Her record is clean though... .this is a first run in with law.  It is surprising she hasnt been hit for a DWI before, and she has done some things that would get her arrested, but dodged more than a few bullets.  Oddly enough, this time I think she was entrapped.  The cops pulled over one girl for a broken taillight then got her on marijuana but when she was released she noticed her taillights were fine.  My wife they said was speeding, but issued no speeding ticket nor anything.  They also said she blew a 2.1.  I have a hard time believing she was a 2.1 because I talked to her when she left.  She did not slur any speech and her friends said she appeared fine.  In any case, I am sure she was still over legal limit and it was bound to happen, but I do not like that cops were doing that and doing it to everyone at this same bar.

We went to court yesterday and she was kind.  When we got there the DA offered a deal for probation for 18 months.  A fine of $1200, mandatory meetings and courses, breathalizer for 18 months (could be reduced to 9 if all is good), and a parole officer. 

The thing that scares me afterwards is i found out there is probation and there is deferment probation which was not explained to us.  Apparantly, one goes away after probation and one stays on record after probation. Also apparantly if it does stay you end up having to pay a surcharge of $2k a year for 3 years, and of course insurance rates etc.  It would have been nice to have that all clarified before hand.  Now, she did blow, so I suppose she was destined to get slammed anyways.  The problem is that because she was registered that high, it meant little compromise.

Anyways, I find that out when i get back to work.  I call to see if she has the sheet when she informs me she is at a movie with the kids which coincidentally was the movie I had told everyone all year was the movie i wanted to see most of the tentpoles which irked me.  In any case, I was behind on work... Her parents once again scheduled her sisters bday at a time that was impossible for me to get to from work on time so it was missed.

When we got home, my wife brought home this horrible movie that I did not want to see but I sat to be a family and tolerated this horrible horror film.  The whole time she is up and moving about and not sitting with us.  AFter the movie she says she is going to get a shower, so i watch what I want to.  I had not watched what I wanted too in about a week.  1.5 hours later she comes down screaming at me that I do not care etc.  I just say I am unsure what I did and then I get ready for bed on the couch.  She comes out saying I need to movie and she is tired of me hurting her etc. 

so I sit her now baffled.  How am I the villian who does not care and does not value her?  I do not say the things she says, I do not pick her apart.  Honestly I feel its herself picking herself apart and projecting it on me.  I am tired... Very tired.  I do not know how to pay off all this crap she has done, I do not get any time for myself, I am made to feel selfish if i do.  It does not make any sense to me

You aren't.  That's what you have to accept and believe.  Her version of reality is skewed, so you have to listen to your own.  You'll never care "enough".  That is her pathology -she has to be the victim.  It's just the way it is.  You didn't make her the "victim", you can't "save" her, and she's not going to sit up one day and say, "You've done everything for me.  I'm finally happy with you."  It won't happen.  So, you need to stop looking for reality through her eyes.

Is there any chance she's a fairly advanced alcoholic, with significant physical tolerance to alcohol?

I think OutOfEgypt makes the essential point: looking for reality through her bloodshot eyes is not healthy for you. It's not serving her kids either. You sound like such a nice guy, and I hope you win this battle for your sanity.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling hurthusband and I recall how difficult it is when there is so much going on and I was depressed. I was emotionally exhausted and so very tired of all of her antics, confused, hurt and frustrated. I believed her projections and thought I was an uncaring husband and villain. I'm not as she described when she was emotionally blackmailing me. I felt like I couldn't turn to anyone and tell them what I was going through. I had not found bpdfamily.

I couldn't see the forest for the trees because the FOG was so thick and it took time for it to lift. Things started to make sense when the FOG slowly lifted. Be gentle and patient with yourself in this process. It takes time.

Mutt has some compassionate advice. |iiii

I want to urge you to make one boundary however: regarding driving. My brother has a permanent brain injury due to a drunk driver who blew less than a 2.1.

If the court system of Texas can help save your family from knowing what that is like, please let the courts do so.

Your summary of the situation:


Your own answer to your question:


My advice: Stop believing everything she says. Yes, believe she feels it and means it. But don't believe that it is true.

ESPECIALLY! Do not believe anything she says about what you are feeling.

Reason #1. (and most important) She is not experiencing your feelings and thoughts. You are. You, and only you are the one and only world-class expert on hurthusband's thoughts and feelings. Me, your wife, and everybody else on the planet are not even close to your league there!

Reason #2. Your wife has a mental disorder. One coping mechanism is to project her own feelings onto you. Because she cannot cope with them directly, she assigns them to you, then fights with you over them. If you want to read more about projection, try this link:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)

I agree with KateCat. BPD or non-disordered. She is an adult and responsible for her actions. A boundary needs to be set with driving hurthusband.

I am beat... it is now anything i say period is an attack.  I do not mean it to be, but she says it is.  Im going insane.  At work again, and want to go back to sleep

She bought tickets to a movie the other day, i said not to because she wouldnt want to see it anyways, but I KNEW this would happen.  It happens every weekend... the 36 hours i get off are always filled with me being the cause of her pain and I just do not know...

I do not want to fight this anymore.  I do not want to divorce, I do not want to go throught he process of a divorce.  That is all assuming I am the sane one.  If not, I do not want to cause anymore pain.  Each day I the hole gets deeper and deeper.  IT will not completely swallow me though... it just is never ending torture.  This literally feels like I died and went to hell.

Should I move out if I am going to get a divorce or is that not legally advised?  Is there a way to get a faster divorce? 

I do not know... I know that when we have talked about it she wants basically 33% of my income for life and everything we have currently with me assuming all debt.  The for life part is the hard part.  Between taxes and interest payments on the debt she would be getting vastly more than me!

Nevermind the healing process which is a torture process.  Sometimes as much as it hurts... id rather she leave me for somebody else and be happy

I don't think we can give you legal advice, really, though there is a board for divorce and custody issues.  :)o you have any children with her?  :)oes she have a job of any kind, or has she during your marriage?  How long have you been married?  These are the kinds of questions that come up.  :)ivorce laws vary from state to state and from country to country -not sure where you live.  So, it kinda depends, but in general a "quick" divorce is one where there is mutual agreement.  33% of your income for life is a bit ridiculous, unless you are both in your late 50's, you've been married for decades, and she's never worked or something like that.

Of course, if you really don't want to divorce you don't have to.  You can separate.  You can move out or ask her to move out.  There are lots of variations in between.  You can take time for yourself until you are in a better position to either move forward or end the relationship.  You are well within your rights to want that for yourself.  Self-care and time to get healthy is something anybody in a relationship is right to want and expect.  Of course, all of them will provoke a reaction from her, so -without being too blunt- it's time to start thinking about what you want while no longer weighing her reactions and walking on eggshells.

Do you have children?  How would you mentally handle it if you had a child that kept blaming you for everything?  Wouldn't you eventually detach from it instead of taking the blame like its yours and consider it an irrational tantrum?  Why not do the same here?  I'm not saying it is that easy -it isn't, not by a long shot.  But her blame tirades are essentially the same as a child's tantrum, sadly.

I believe that you have no biological children with your wife and that you live in Texas . . . . You could be in a very strong position. (One fellow who posted here at length some time ago specifically moved to Texas to take advantage of laws favorable to divorcing men.)

Can you use your last ounce of strength to get to an attorney in your county for a consultation? You may walk out of her or his office a changed man.  

We been together 11 years.  married 3 years. she has 2 kids from previous men.  She has had off and on many jobs for first 6 years we were together and spent rest in college and cleaning houses on the side. currently cleaning on occasion.  Live in Texas.  Purchased house before we were married but were together.

Everything is in my name, so I am sure I am stuck with debt regardless.  Her credit is shot so everything had to go in my name.  She would not take steps to rebuild her credit and only would destroy it more behind my back.

problem is that I have no real right to children.  So, i can be extorted

I'm not sure I understand this. Are you saying that you don't want to divorce at all because you fear losing your relationship to your step-children?

How old are the kids?

hh, take a step back and down here. Divorce/separation is a huge step, and there is a time for thinking about it.


Right now, look at what you can do about the immediate situation  you described--you cannot stop her from blaming you for everything. You can refuse to be subjected to those 'conversations' (which I'd call verbal abuse).

She does it because it gives her satisfaction or relief. (Which is at your expense) As long as you continue participating in it, she will keep on doing it.

Are you ready to change the pattern?

Yesterday went ok until nighttime when she started saying how unfair it was that she had to have a breathalizer because its embarrassing (nothing about all the fines but i guess cause thats my problem).  She starts getting upset saying what do I know about whats coming up and i explain that it was explained by my stepfather and the attorney wanted to see the documents to verify since its possible.  State of Texas sneaks in other penalties they do not tell you about.  You have the court agreements but then the DPS will hit you with a $2k a year fine each year for 3 years that they call a surcharge so when you agree to terms on a charge, you are not told about that.  She was upset my stepfather said anything but i went to him to get an attorney to get her out of jail since he has had to do that for his employees a few times

I just do not know what to say about her being upset about the penalty.  I mean its a serious matter.  The fact she did not learn a month earlier from wrecking her vehicle?  This is how penalties work.  She then started blaming the attorney.  I have not heard of ANYONE get a DWI and not have a breathalizer for a bit.  She will have 9 months.  She thought 90 days when she signed the paper, but I do not know... I did not argue with her that its her fault or that she has to deal with it.  I just validated that it is hard and I am sorry she has to go through it.

When she started on my fault and cause of attorney i did say that we had 2 months to change attorneys and I had encouraged that from the day she got out.  She went in on how she feels trapped and no control, and that I have control cause I make the money, and how her therapist says she needs to be more independent.  I agree with all of that wholeheartedly.  I want her to be more independent.  The problem is SHE will not handle things to become more independent.  If she does not try and get a job, or handle things that need to be done, I have to which results in her feeling more inferior.  I am not telling her those things I never will

It really seems that how she sees herself what she is projected onto me saying.  Now she saying do not get her flowers or small gifts cause they are meaningless...   ugh

Hey hurt husband,

First off, my heart hurts for you.  Abusive persons tend to create what is clinically called "crazy making," which is one of the worst parts of being abused, because it creates self-doubt, and often enough that you become stuck in the relationship, unsure as to what the reality of it is.  You are not going to get arrested for slamming a door. 

People often go nuts when you threaten to leave them.  My soon to be ex-BPDhusband threatened divorce every day towards the end of our time together  and I did feel often like I wanted to die.  I've apologized for three years and all I get is the message that my apologies mean nothing to him, that they are just vacant words.  I've now completed my penance with him ( :)) and am in some ways excited for our divorce to go through because I want all of this confusion, abuse, and meanness behind me.  So I do really relate to your situation.  I can say that after spending the last year apart, with only 2 or 3 rendezvous where we got a hotel room and had sex and then ended up fighting and re-breaking up within 24 hours, I can go a day without wishing we were together.  He is no longer the center of my universe; God is.  I have also found that my ex is not the only crazy-making person out there.  Crazy people are all over the place, and I have to be very careful with boundaries.  I love my freedom.  I am training to help victims of domestic violence right now, and something that is helpful to remember is that abusive behavior is a CHOICE the abuser makes in effort to control another.  They CAN help it.  Another fact that has helped me is looking at the life of Jesus and seeing how he treated others.  He released people from bondage, he didn't create it.  If God gives us this liberty, shouldn't our measly imperfect spouses?   

I hope you realise quickly that you are not to blame. If you know she has BPD and is mentally ill, do you really need to ask people here, why is she doing this? It's because she is insane.

You mentioned suicide a lot in your post. Is she worth that? I don't think anyone is. Please leave today. Just get out and go. It's not going to get better it's going to get worse and you know that.

You do not deserve this. It is not your fault. The only fault is that you are letting this happen to yourself willingly. She is her problem. You are yours. I hope you do the right thing by yourself because I've read your posts and what is being done to you is criminal! Please think of yourself here. Please.