BPDFamily.com

Hey Leaving Board!

One thing that had me stuck when I first came here was I really had a hard time reconciling the words of old versus the actions/words of new.  I could literally hear both in my ruminations and I couldn't get a handle on why/what happened.

When I started reading here about "both were true" - I was even more confused.

As I learned more about how much of my own hopes, dreams, self I put into those words in the beginning, it became more and more clear that I really was grieving so much more than a breakup.

I had to grieve the hopes & dreams of a future that was not going to happen as much as I had to grieve my ex.

Who here is consciously grieving the future you planned or dreamed about?

Are you finding this harder than actually grieving the person you lost?

Peace,

SB

Sure, letting go of those hopes and dreams with her was part of the grieving process, and needed to be grieved through to detach, although the hopes and dreams didn't die then, in fact just the opposite.  The more I've dug and processed around everything in that relationship, the more I've discovered that my hopes and dreams were real, pure and right, I just picked the wrong person to share them with, someone who lied (also known as mirroring) that she had the same hopes and dreams I had.  What a nightmare it was when I found out none of that was true for her, and what is true is a living chaos hell, and that took some 'readjustment', to put it lightly.

But the hopes and dreams are stronger than ever, and have gotten a validation boost from the ordeal.  They were and are right for me, I just need to have more of a clue and pick the right girl next time, so we can create our bliss together, and after my time in hell I'm going to venture saying that I'm much better at presence, awareness and a complete lack of tolerance for bullsht now.  Off we go to the dating pool, wish me luck... .

Yes, you are not alone friend :) I was so happy at times because whatever happened in life with family, friends, career, economy, whatever, I would always have my one true soulmate by my side. The hope and dream and fantasy my exBPD gave me about a safe and happy future, family, intense love and trust for the REST OF MY LIFE on this planet, is something I miss very much at times.

You don't just loose your girlfriend in a BPD breakup, you loose your entire future, and the world is suddenly all big and scary and nothing matters anymore (at least in our head and heart). I think thats the part take makes us feel very "lost" at times after a BPD breakup...

But time heals, and now I look at that dream as a... dream, the world is not that easy, and love/trust/soulmate stuff doesn't happen FIRST DAY of a r/s (as with BPD). It is something you need to build up over time (with a normal person) I guess, and then it might last forever or will at least not have such a brutal end. But yes, sometimes I really wished i lived in that reality and fantasy I was living in my r/s wit her.

Still grieving, yes. The more illusions I clear away today, the more I see were there in the past. The ones that were in the future are also fading. By letting go. Existing now. Acceptance. Right path/wrong turn/corrected.

I can relate so much grieving the future.

Grieving who I thought I was.

seekingbalance, no i grieve the person underneath the d/o'd behaviors. that is who i miss and loved so very much. 

there was a time when i realized the fairy tale was not a perfect future. we both laughed at that. i didn't want nor put my hopes on any part of that. i fell in love with the person. and i never thought there would come a day, out of no where, that he would become totally gone from my life. that's what and who i grieve. and who i miss. very difficult to know i will never share such simple things with him such as merely sharing our coffee and openly talking while holding hands. today i was driving along and that thought just came to me. i never got to say goodbye to any of that. or to him. and i will never share any of those simple moments with him ever again.  i carry him in my heart and i miss him. it's that easy.

Caredverymuch,  my sentiments exactly.  One of my sons asked me today,  would you ever take him back? We liked him. I said,  the truth? Everyone in my inner circle said he has to go, no discussion, or I would risk everyone close to me who is looking out for my greater good. Is he in my heart? Always. So I am on a dating site today, just checking out the search thing, and I'm thinking, that guy looks like. ... .AAAAHHH! I shut it off. ... what are the flippin' chances? Can't get away from him!

I'm still stuck on the disintegration of the nuclear family I never had. Sure, she said in the beginning, shirtly after meeting me and spotting me across a circle of people, "that's the man I'm going to marry." I never believed that about her. Ever. I chalked it up to youthful immaturity. We had conflict from the beginning over her expectations of me, which felt artificial. Still, I endured and had two kids with her.

Her words mean little, even the few times she looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you Turkish." I knew she meant it at the time, but her behaviors... .

So in the end I am left with the realization that I objectified her in a similar way that she objectified me, as the Princess i rescued to be the Queen to my King, raising our little pawns. It's a sobering realization.

One of the hardest for me.  Was when she would tell me she cares about me then do things to hurt me and the sadistic smirk while doing it.

I still have nightmares about it

It haunts me

SB,

My struggle for the past year (past three years if you take into account the entire r/s) is that I struggle letting go of the idealized, romanticized, Hollywood ending I thought I would have with this girl. The only girl that made me feel the way I did when I was with her is the one I would be with forever and she did come back last. SHe came back and the reunion fantasies I'd had before this last recycle came to fruition... .and then it collapsed like it always did. But, this was the last collapse. I've been NC for almost a year and I know she's not coming back and I know I'm not going back. So, for now, I still struggle with what could have been (but in reality never was going to be).

Thanks for sharing thus far.

A little more on my journey to freedom - I had to grieve both, equally.  Both were very big losses in different ways.

The person, the good parts were as real as the not so good parts.  We did have fun times, I did love my ex and I really did miss that person.  It was truly a death.

The dream - this was much more of a complex grief for me.  I didn't realize how much I had tied my vision of worth, success, happiness to a successful marriage.  The settled, belonging that I did feel was shattered and I didn't realize how much of this tied back to an idealized (Disney) version of marriage that I did have.  The death of this left me with a gaping whole.

The dream grief opened the door to another level of FOO loss that slapped me in the face.  Feeling the reality of how my FOO set me up for where I found myself led me to a real lonely place that took a lot of time to work through.  In my adult life, I pretty much went to another relationship to avoid this depth of pain and I knew for things to change, I had to change - I had to face my stuff.

Healing - so often, we all have thought we should be further along than we are... .but when you look at what we are really grieving - 3 layers of grief ... .doesn't it seem reasonable this might take a little time to fully recover from?  How can you give yourself permission and space for healing?  Are you being gentle and kind to yourself?

sure. it was hard for me cause i was rewriting the story of my foo and trying to prove that i am lovable, accepted and appreciated as i witnessed in the idealization phase. it was just a fantasy. i have been having really hard times in my life when i met her eg physically sick dad, unemployment... etc and she (living the victim role) was divorced and escaped her family and her country because they were "overprotective" on her since her divorce. it felt like we were two "love birds" and fate has brought us together. it felt like we are going to "fix" each others. we were two lost children on different levels. the complexity (and ecstasy) of the fantasy came from that we had very different facts that were out of our hands. different religion, age and life circumstances (divorced, older and of different religion is a huge fight in my culture). I had the fantasy that we would escape to a western, more free country, get married and "live there happy ever after" lol this complexity made me more day dream. how would i return from work in australia and would find her in "our home" in sydney\melbourne getting the food ready, we eat and then cuddle and watch something together  in the fantasy i was ready to fight this fight with her regarding the community, my family, her family and its judgment if she is ready to have this fight with me (unknown to me she is BPD). she ran back to her ex using these excuses that we can not be together and that she was not expecting anything out of this rs though she showed she was willing to fight with me this fight cause "she was lastly happy and could find her love of her life"(during the idealization) though during the devaluation i once asked her if this was kind of fling and she said no she "loves" me (she always used this topic of difference between us to bring on drama and conflict and then accuse me of always thinking about it).

yes i was grieving the fantasy more than her. grieving that i am not the hero\rescuer anymore. her reality and  red-flag s (escaped her family, 3 ex fiances, 1 ex husband, 3 ex bfs and 2 abortions) were so obvious from the start. i was aware of them but i thought "she has changed thats why she is so honest about her past"  lol (stupid me)