BPDFamily.com

3 years ago I was discarded and painted black by UBPDdoctorX.

Now after 3 years of shared custody and constant parental alienation, d11 asks to live with UBPDdoctorDAD.

UBPDX calls child protection on me cause d11, "does not feel safe"

interview reveals "mama makes mad faces and I feel uncomfortable how she talks"

cps recommends d11 go to care of father.

d11 never bonded right... .something was off ( I am experienced old mom, all about bonding with my kids)

did not play peeka boo the same as I was used to.

misinterpreted facial expression and misinterpreted loving gestures.

outrageous unexplainable tantrums age 4-8 requiring restraint.

she also grew up with high conflict marriage between  UBPDEX rollercoaster from birth till age 8.

Now that I have watched this play out with CPS... .

they dismissed my c/o d11 life long issue with sensory input.

BPDDAD has been relentless in his alienation tactics.

The first year following separation included regular raging tantrums, which included ripping her hair out, threatening suicide, harming self and "blaming mama"... .a behavior she witnessed all her life from BPDDAD.

I am all over the leaving board, blow by blow 3 years ago, then on the custody board.

I am lawyer shopping.

But really need to learn here from you experienced folks.

How to start? I bought I dont have to make... .

a physician can recommend an evaluation, but I am soo geographically isolated ,and would have to travel to a major center to get her looked at.

The earlier the better, right?

I have wondered if these behaviors were just learned, but now as I watch her play this out with dad, I thought she was just brainwashed by his alienation, but now, Im adding all the quirky stuff from her baby/childhood.

She makes up all kinds of stuff I"have done to her", has since I left her dad... .but that was the family story "everything is always mamas fault"

I have 3 other neurotypical grown kids (different dad) and know, normal.

she is traumatized and being taken from me, her only ground.

how will BPD dad do with kid with BPD like behaviors?

Hugs

I went through this when DD was 11ish she wasn’t diagnosed until she was 15/16 (you'd really have to read my other posts, you only get so many words in these posts).  I never knew her father was UBPD, back then I didn't know what his problem was but he also passed it on to his son ( from a 1st marriage.  It only adaughtered up when I started searching for things and reading.  DD came back to me after all the alienation bribing her trying to control her behaviour including moving to the other side of the country to get her away for the bad influences.  None of it worked.

What she went through was basically what I went through and eventually left.  Money travel and a nice home can only make you stay until you’ve had of the abuse.  The threats, name calling, mental games he plays.

The court system still does not understand at least here.  Their mandate is that a stable relationship for the child and who has its best interest.

I would insist that your lawyer stipulate that the child go on care name the care “DBT, RTC etc.  Stay in contact with the child, FB, twitter e-mail txt.  You should be vigilant.  Just be careful what you say they are phenomenal at turning it around if they feel like it and make it seem like your badgering them.

My daughter father just simply told me “she doesn’t want to go, so I’m not forcing her”

Lately my daughter has been telling me what it was like and she wishes she had listened to me.  She stayed because he offered her things like travel and an education.

I hope this helps a little

Dear Nona,

This is such a frustrating, scary, and hurtful situation!    I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I know how scary it is.  My DH and I have also been through this as well with our DD.  Twice.  The first time we had CPS involved was when my DD hit puberty, around age 12.  She shared a few childhood memories about her father (my DH) to a new therapist, and the therapist reported him for child abuse without ever meeting him or asking me about any of it.  I was there when each event she described happened, so I KNOW there was no abuse... .ever.  DH has Aspergers and doesn't always understand body language or facial expressions.  My DD misunderstood a few things he did when she was younger, and she blew them all out of proportion--to the point of trauma--when she hit puberty. It was a very rough time for our family, but we survived.

Now that DD is 17, she identifies more with her father than she does with me.  Back then, it was the opposite.  So, now, her misunderstandings all have to do with me, and I'm the neuro-typical one in our family.  I know what you mean about "Everything is always mama's fault."  It hurts, and it's very frustrating when we try to raise them to take responsibility, and WE get blamed for all their problems instead.

The second time CPS got involved was last year.  We had just returned from Europe.  DD didn't want to go, so she stayed home and we had an adult mom & her son staying in our home with DD.  She enjoyed 2 weeks of pure freedom while we were gone.  After over 17 hours of travelling to get home, we were beyond tired.  We got in around 11:00 at night.  The kitchen was a disaster area, with dirty dishes and trash everywhere. I went to the cupboard for a glass of water... .no clean glasses.  I went to the fridge... .no milk for coffee in the morning.  I went upstairs to use my bathroom and discovered my brand new lavender towels crumpled up on the floor with red hair dye all over them.  The white tile shower was pink and the grout was red with hair dye.  I was angry because our DD is not allowed to use our bathroom BECAUSE she makes messes and doesn't clean up after herself.  So, she had broken a house rule.  I'm sure in my travel-exhausted state, I did not express my anger nicely.  I was furious!  DH said I expressed my anger reasonably.  I didn't yell, use foul language, or call names, but DD ran away the next day.  And she had me reported to CPS because she was "afraid for her life." 

It all got straightened out, but it still hurts.  What is the world coming to when parents can't express anger when their kids deserve it?  Now, at least I know it wasn't me.  Our DD was recently dx with BPD, so she misinterprets even appropriate anger that she deserves.

The reason I'm telling you my story is I know your DD11 will come back to you.  I doubt it will take very long once she sees how erratic and unstable her life is with her BPD father.  My own DD has switched her allegiance back and forth between DH and me ever since she was a young teen.  Yours will be back.  I'm just so sorry you're going through this in the meantime!  I know how much it hurts, and how vulnerable you feel to live under the scrutiny of some social worker.  Please know you're NOT alone going through this.  Many of us here have had to deal with similar situations.

Here's a thought... .I do think it's quite common for BPD behavior to worsen during puberty though.  And at age 11, I'm guessing your DD is just beginning puberty.  So, if your ex gets custody, he is in for quite an eye-opener, isn't he?  I do hear how worried about your DD you are though.  It's good you're lawyer shopping.  I'm sure you'll need a good one.  Divorce and custody battles can be ugly, even without BPD in the mix.

Is it possible there is someone at her school who could evaluate her?  If not, it might be well worth the trip to the city to get a proper diagnosis and establish a track record of your concerns.

Please keep us posted and let us know how it develops.  I wish this were easier!

Hello nona, I am really sorry - it's heartbreaking to have kids turn on us... . 

Welcome to the Parenting board - so thoughtful of you while trying to help your d11.

First, (please bear with me) I want to make sure you've had access to several crucially important resources from the other boards that you need either way due to the complicated situation w/your ex:

Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0.htm)

Divorce poison (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59950.0.htm)

What's PAS (https://bpdfamily.com/content/terms-service)

www.amazon.com/Divorce-Casualties-Protecting-Children-Alienation/dp/0878332081/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257806132&sr=8-3

www.amazon.com/Beyond-Divorce-Casualties-Reunifying-Alienated/dp/158979415X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257806132&sr=8-2

Based on that information - I want to emphasize how extremely important it is for you to keep regular contact with d11, employ all the skills that the books talk about and document everything going on with your ex (you probably already know that)

So, if it IS emerging BPD on top of all the issues that have been going on because of the trauma of high-conflict divorce, you will be dealing with the added need to communicate with her in a different way (that is often counter-intuitive) - and we'll be happy to support you in that here.

Of course, we can't diagnose your d11. That being said - you have noticed things that were seriously off (problems w/bonding, sensitivity, misinterpreting facial expressions, tantrums, self-harm etc. - btw all these can indicate BPD, but it could also be Autism spectrum disorder or something else altogether - that's why only a professional can assess her).

You ask: where to start. "The I don't have to make everything all better" is a great book on validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating.htm). The other 'bookend' of that, as I like to call it, is Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59097.0.htm) (a priceless book on that subject). Also, please feel free to check out the right hand panel ---> it is full of resources specifically tailored for parent-child situations.

Beyond that, let us know how we can best support you - what your particular questions/struggles are. (even though it might be sometimes complicated to try to distinguish what acting out behaviors might be triggered by parental alienation and what by an emerging disorder... .we will do our best to share our experiences with you and you will be able to see if it applies in your situation).

What do you think?

Tomorrow is custody exchange day, and I dont know if or when he will return her. His new custody action is coming.

When I tucked her in tonight , dd said something about how I had been raging all week and always rage. "this week was all fake you are just trying to win me back from dad." She is as believable and charming and convincing as he is. Sometimes I almost believe complete fabrications, manipulations and twists to my own reality and experience, that she says, cause she is soo good. It is also terrifying, the enormity and scope of it. I already dont get to have any real conversations with her... .The elephant in the living room.

she refers to having to walk on eggshells around me.

I think I need validation bpdfamily... .

I poured love in, was able to be in the moment, not reacting, not judging but accepting most of our time.

I did not feel the walking on eggshells anxiety inside.NO RAGING   

she asks me 20 times a day, mama are you mad? she told me 20 times a day "I love you "


It is hard to explain the eerie peace I am feeling.Is it acceptance? I feel more in reality than I have in a long time.

It was so shocking to learn the truth about him 3 years ago at separation.

It is almost a relief to connect the dots with dd. It helps me not take it personal.

It validates my story again that it is "him not me".

See that this is a lifelong story of her. I'm trying to tell myself this is a good thing, that it is being addressed, and dd may actually now get some real advocacy, but he has his alienation cloaked as advocacy.


I believe I am the neurotypical one here. On the defense.

I dont know how to talk to her.

Normal doesn't work.

I have lost any authority that I can see.

child protection summarizes it as MY and dd's attachment problem.

":)ad is the bonded parent." Hearing that made me lose my breath.

Validating was the only thing that calmed her down 2 years ago, we were getting better in good ways, but Im sure his alienating was stronger than my validating.

I AM scared about the toxic alienating.

He has threatened to stop at nothing to get "her way".

we could not even laugh when we left him, we were both so traumatized.

I have a friend coming to help me get my documentation organized, and lawyer interviewing.

I will read the links, order more books.

Thank you so much.