BPDFamily.com

If i praise some particular things about my uBPD fiance,he reacts in an opposite manner by losing interest in them.

For example once he went for an interview for a job and i really bucked him up,told him it was responsible of him,that i was proud,he never went for another.

It might sound crazy,but it seemed to me that having once received praise and compliments on 'going to the interview' he felt his goal had been achieved to get approval.

Ive noticed it many times,though subtly

He sent me flowers 9 months ago and i was very touched,i told him it was a beautiful gesture,after that to this day he's never given me a singly silly flower,not plucked from the park even,im weirded out by this behaviour.

He gave me a gift,immediately after which he fought with me over spending more time with my cat than him,i didnt get a chance to thank him,when things calmed down i simply wanted to know if it was my imagination,or was he just seeking praise,so i didnt mention the gift... .(i feel guilty about this-but) a month later he gave me a gift for no reason.

This anti positive feedback behaviour makes me feel,sort of... well,unimportant,in my own right for him,because if he's good to me to get approval,than he's good to me for his self.

in this case love for me does not come into the equation.

does any person think im imagining things?

Has anyone else experienced something even a little similar

I think I know what you mean, stuckgirl.  The same types of things have happened to me and you know what pretty much cured it?  A simple Thank you or thanks, I love it, or whatever. 

When I made it a big deal that he did something nice, I don't know, I think I came off as patronizing or like a parent or something.  I made it about him, instead of accepting the gift with appreciation.  I don't know if I'm getting this across the way it's going around in my mind... .  It was like I was saying, 'It's about time you did something nice'.  Even though, that's really not what I was intending to say, he took it that way, and I can kinda see how he could.

Like I didn't believe in him or myself.  Weird. 

Does that make sense at all?

Yup it does,actually it gives me more insight as to why my SO behaves this way,perhaps he too believes im being patronizing and decides to avoid a similar situation.

For me simple thanks works,so does not bringing up the present or pretending he did not give it (i know its very rude but i want to understand why he avoids praiseworthy,happy situations.

Phoebe your theory had not ocurred to me it might because of that.

The one thing that makes me think it might not be him feeling patronized is that,he asked me what i wantes for christmas,i told him,and he never bought it for me... and just kept saying i'll buy it.

Any idea why something like that might have happened?

It might be* because of that

Wanted*

Hmm, I'm not really sure... . Could be that the road to hell is paved with good intentions?  Or that he's uncertain you really want it?  Or he wants to know how important it is to you?  Maybe he had something else in mind and would rather your gift be a surprise, even though he asked   Hard to say, could be anything.  My guy said he'd clean my gutters early on in our relationship.  He wasn't cleaning them and it was getting late in the season.  A neighbor cleaned them.  Told SO and he was pretty upset, said he'd clean them hmmf.  Hey, I can't wait forever!  He knew what was important to me when that happened.

How do you think your bf would react to you buying yourself that Christmas gift?

Receiving praise is often the motivator not the the desire to give in the first place.

Hence talking about what they are going to do =getting an advance on praise. Often that alone fills the need need so no need to go any further, need is met. Cant keep gifting plans secret for same reason, they want to take an advance on approval they feel due.

Good gestures are usually in high visibility/praiseworthy areas.

Once praise received, need is met. Your need to keep this action up is irrelevent = struggles to keep a favorable activity up, need has been fulfilled.

Grand gestures need to coincide with their needs and impulses. Responsibility and obligation alone are not significant motivators. Hence the lack of any continuity.

It is about their gratification, not yours, even though they will convince themselves they are doing it for you. Calling them out on it will be very hurtful.

I know one thing and probably only one thing about this type of situation. My wife like most is a high-functioning person and by no means naive or stupid. I have to be extremely careful that she doesn't percieve my praise or responses as 'validating' her. I have to be honest and simple with praise or she thinks "I'm trying to 'shrink' her" and she has no appreciation of thinking I'm being condesending or false. I don't blame her I wouldn't want it either. This isn't about her actions being negative, it's about ensuring that mine are appropriate and of the appropriate reaction for a situation.

It's extremely to difficult to try and even convince her of her 'worth' and outright just stating it has no affect, in fact it only verifies to her she's worthless. I wait until a possitive comes from her actions or interactions with others and just say "See, that's what I'm talkin' about" and leave it at that.

Wish you the best on finding a fix around this stuckgirl, there will be one that works for both of you, it's just about dipping your toe in until the water is perfect.

It is not so easy to be reasonable objective about own behavior and observe the other behavior too. This is a good basis for future improvements.  |iiii

I think there are multiple things going on. Some of them could be

- judgment. Praise is judgment although positive. It can shift perspective/ownership from the achievement and achiever to us (patronizing => we become patron/owner). We may want to share our judgment but we really should focus on the validation which is about them. This is also a bit about boundaries - respecting them and their achievement and leaving it theirs.

- twisted thinking. In some areas pwBPD instinctively go the wrong way and unlearning this takes time. Again validation can help a little. Therapy can be helpful here for the pwBPD.

- splitting. Yesterday, now and tomorrow are not so well connected in a pwBPD's mind and any long term activity is easily disrupted by impulsive behavior. Again validation and maintaining a calm environment over a longer period can help a here.

... .