BPDFamily.com

Hi Guys,

I'm new here! i've seen you've helped out many people in the past and was hoping you could help me out too, I kind of don't know who to turn to.

Basically, me and my girlfriend, who suffers from Bipolar ii broke up about two months ago. It was completely out of the blue and it caught me off guard. She lives in a different country, and recently I went to visit for a couple of weeks and during my time there we started things up again. I might also add that she's a masochist and loves being in control and strongly thrives off drama and pain. Anyway, we started things up again and she ended it again over something really small and menial but to her its been completely blown out of proportion and she has manically like before told me she never wants to speak to me again. I've travelled back home now, but I believe she is coming to visit coincidentally in the next week or so. I'm always the one that tries to make contact and work on things and I believe she thrives off the attention. It was only a week ago, we were together and she told me she loved me, so I find it hard to believe now that she no longer cares or has any feelings. Like I said, she's said this 3 times in the past. I still deeply love her and want her back but this time I don't want to come grovelling. How can I show her what she's missing and let her see sense without ambushing her with messages?

Thanks guys.

Also, its a given but I believe she does have a deep rooted personality disorder amongst other things, hence the reason why i'm here haha.

Your question is essentially how can I make her see and change. And there you already run into problems as See does not mean Change follows. Behavior at times disconnects from Cognition when emotions take over.

Her seemingly random but intense behavior gives you intermittent feedback and makes to hold on to her - it is worth to be aware of it. Staying somewhat level in such a relationship can be a challenge and it it very important to pay sufficient attention on that from your side.

A healthy relationship thrives on respect (=>limits, boundaries) and validation. In a relationship with a pwBPD both are not a given and need to be managed on a day to day basis.

Read up on validation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0 . Possibly there is a lot of inner pain seeking physical pain to balance it out. Her seeking control would be consistent with it. Learning to verbally validate painful emotions would be a first step for any meaningful communication with her. A next step would be learning SET but focus on validation first - it is connecting in a healthy manner and it is calming.