BPDFamily.com

Does anyone have advice on cultivating a relationship with neighbours and friends when in a partnership with uBPD?

I am now working from home more myself and feel it would be nice to make connections in my locality but really don't know how to go about this due to the difficulty most people have in accepting my uBPD.  It would seem strange to explain that my husband has a personality disorder - especially when it is undiagnosed.

Over the years I have previously made an effort to make friends with neighbours or other people in the community.  Invevitably they want to know who my husband is and meet him.   As soon as they encounter him they politely make excuses not to become further involved or the brave ones do until they realise it's more than they can handle and quietly escape.  We once had the most uncomfortable of evenings when we were invited to a wedding anniversary celebration of a girlfriend of mine.  I had been friendly with the women in the group but when we were in the room as a couple not one set of people would talk to us, I felt like a Leper.  Following on from that I have not made any effort to re-associate with these women.   Meanwhile my husband who recently retired has started show his charm side and  talk to the neighbours more but I fear that this will be short lived as it won't be long before he 'finds fault' and they become the subject of his hate.  I have more or less withdrawn from making contact with new neighbours  myself when they move in as I can't face the rejection when they find out more.

When I was working in an office 15 miles away from home it was easy to make friendships as there was no reason for these people to meet my husband.  He did of course get angry if I travelled to meet friends after work, but I had their support and friendship at lunchtimes which was something.

I have posted before about expending my collateral with my last friendship after my uBPD made several unwanted phone called to allieviate his feeling of rejection following a rare evening out as two couples.

I would welcome your suggestions or experiences for making connections locally when most people are not tolerant of strange behaviour.

Are there any hobbies or interests that you have that you could do locally as part of a group? This is less threatening to a BPD as it is an actual activity you are attending rather than personal. However, that doesn't stop you making some friends with a common interest who you might meet up with. I attend an art class where I have made friends, also a ladies swimming session were some of us have coffee afterwards. Also I've met people through church, including someone who has been incredibly supportive about my bf and organises a session at the golf range when I am very stressed over the relationship. None of these activities have had the expectation that we meet partners so I haven't had to worry about the difficulties there would be.

Thanks for suggesting going out with other groups and taking up activities.  I do think that this is an excellent thing to do and does get me away from the 'home' situation.

Especially when the activities are dance or keep fit I come back feeling much better.  I really do appreciate being able to do these activities.

Perhaps I'm wishing for too much, I still want to experience that warmth of sitting as part of a group and having my uBPD there with me. It makes me really sad to think that there will probably be no more meals around my kitchen table.  The uBPD has definitely got worse over the years and I don't think I can contemplate invitations to our home any more as recent events show that he is likely to be VERY unsociable, beside which I don't think ANYONE would be brave enough to come.

So onwards with my out of home activities.  It makes me feel a little like a cat, always wandering, sipping at other peoples tables.  I cannot be at home in my own home. 

Sorry Tabitha that sounds really frustrating not being able to meet with other people as a couple. We have another couple we can meet up with from time to time for a meal or a few hours out together, but they know about his issues and are very supportive. Even then on occasion we have had a lovely time with them and my bf gets upset when we are at home about how cold they have been or how they offended him and I haven't seen any problem in our interactions.

Good luck with the other activities, relax and look after yourself and enjoy the company of others.