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BPDw has fallen out with her best friend.

It’s taken a while for her to share with me but I have listened to BPDw’s version of what happened.

It seems BPDw was offended by a comment that the friend had made in an SMS following a “complaint” that BPDw’s friend wasn’t there for her one day last week when BPDw was disregulating (I think it means the friend was really busy or had issues of her own). One thing led to another and they had argument about it. This week they tried to patch things up over a coffee and it sounds as if BPDw lost her cool. The way she described her friend it sounds as if the friend didn’t like the way BPDw was speaking to her and drew a boundary which was ignored and the friend then removed herself from the situation.

I listened BPDw’s story about happened and asked a few questions about what she felt about it and what she thought her friend was thinking really brought home to me how difficult and deep seated this disorder is.

Two things really struck me. First if BPDw is upset about something she believes her friend “should” be there for her and “should” listen. BPDw is still angry that this wasn’t forthcoming in the first place which is what I think set this whole thing off. BPDw is in one sense well meaning towards her friend but on the other hand seems to have no awareness of what might be going on in her friend’s life. Second is that BPDw’s friend obviously has set a boundary about how she likes to be spoken to. BPDw’s perception of this, is that the friend  is “judgemental” and that is is a big fault.

BPDw has sent flowers to apologise for the argument as she is desperate to patch up with her friend. However the way she descibes the friend as judgemental and ruthless sound like someone you would want to avoid at all costs

The whole thing makes me feel really sad (and a bit wary)

Must be a really good friend to induce this level of scorn. BPDs are only like this with their most intimate of companions. It seems that BPD has gotten to close and has been sabotaging her friendship with her. I would be incredibly careful about rendering any judgments against her friend. Do not take any sides, just be there for your wife.

It is 'sad', that someone is like this, and it's sad that someone can be as selfish and self-obsessed as BPDs are.

My theory is that the friend has decided that she won't be treated like this, and has more of a backbone than BPDw thought. She's basically stood up for herself and now BPDw has triggered her abandonment worries. This may backfire upon you, with no one to blame she may take it out on you so yes be wary, yes be ready for war.

 

Absolutely great advice... .no judgement about friend at all. 

DO NOT agree or disagree with your wife... .just validate emotions and be there.

Otherwise you will most likely be in a double bind.

Interesting.  I've seen BPD fiancé fall out with many friends over the course of the past year.  I try to not take sides, and just listen, and remind her that she can choose to be friends with whomever she wants.  In other words, it's her right to decide she doesn't like someone.   But many of the falling out with friends is almost exactly like you describe.  One claims the other is not available when needed, too selfish, etc.  Yet, BPD fiancé does the same thing in return.  She really has no ability to have healthy friendships because she can't respect the right of other people to be who they want to be. 

It really is sad.  She desperately wants good friends, but when these friends try to set boundaries, she writes them off.  And other times, people desperately want to be her friend, and she dismisses them for one reason or another based upon some small quirk.  It's not at all like me where I know the nature of my relationships, and I like certain things about some friends and other things about other friends.  I can hang out with someone and have a good time, despite the fact that I may disagree with that person on many issues. 

My BPDw did almost exactly the same thing to her best friend. Unfortunately, our son's best friend was her friend's son! It's been pretty heartbreaking hearing my son saying "can we see <name> today?" for the last few months, especially since he is (and always will be) an only child.

Not being funny, but you need to kick your wife up the backside. Her illness should not be allowed to affect your child. Unless you want to see him grow up to be like her, he needs normal human beings around him to counteract his mother's insanity.

Its quite a typical pattern of behavior and consequences. Lack of boundaries for a pwBPD means they dont recognize them in others. They dont see others using boundaries to protect themselves but see the 'boundary" as a way of controlling the pwBPD. That is, they make it about themselves.

Their ensuing reaction then triggers either an abandonment by the other person as they decide they can't be bothered with it, or the other person lashes back angrily. Hence creating a "bully". The result is they have a long list of tales of abandonment and "bullying".

As you say it is sad, and I would not want that life for anything. Repeat that process continuously for your entire life and you have no chance of feeling any self worth

Happily they appear to have sorted it out now.  |iiii. I stayed on the sidelines and didn't really do much other than listen a couple of times, keep my distance and keep my opinions to myself. There was a time the whle thing would have stressed me out and I would have got seriously frustrated with BPDw for treating her friend badly (which I'm in absolutely no doubt she did). It seems I'm learning to let go.

Thank you all for your feedback, it was good.

Thats good and at the end of the day you feel better for not having taken the drama on, and probably fuelled it.