BPDFamily.com

Hey!

I wanted just to share some toughts and know what you guys think about this specific thing i noticed on my exBPDgf.

She used to, almost exclusively, read books, see movies, listen to musics that seemt to depict messages about love and being loved and loving someone. She loved them and would cry and get emotive with some of them.

I would like to know if any of your EXs had a similar pattern. It was like mine was looking for love's true meaning, dont know. I guess she loved me in her way, a distorted way, where she had a parallel relationship at same time and betrayed me later on multiple times with him and betrayed him with me... .

Yes! Mine did and he is a guy!

He used to be the woman in the relationship. The one who used to get emotive and cry. Always saying he just wanted a simple life ( he's a musician!) with the love of his life. He used to melt me with sweet words. He had this ability to charm everyone. Little they knew/know what an evil  twisted person he really is underneath that fake facade if his.

And he was into the cheating thing too. I guess he is on an everlasting search for true love so he keeps "trying" lots of women!

But what he doesn't realise is that he is the one with the issues.

One of the core feelings of a pwBPD is one of emptiness. Never having been shown healthy love as children, and often outright abuse and neglect, they are searching for the fantasy version of that which they were never shown. Sex and love addiction are often behaviors they exhibit.

Article 14: Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm)

Near the end, mine found that fantasy, teenage love with a "kid" young enough to be my son. My Ex is 11 years younger than me; my replacement, 9 years younger than her, and immature even for his age. The things I found that she wrote blew me away. They were something a naive 13 year old girl would write, not a 31 year old professional woman and mother of two. She kept these things well hidden from me over our 6 year r/s. PD behaviors aside, I keep remembering what my T told me,"you two were a mismatch in so many ways." From the beginning, even the first month, I felt myself fighting to retain myself instead of being some version of a lover she wanted me to be. After out first child, she kind of stopped doing that. After the second, the mask fell off, and I was besmirched to her friends and all over FB... .stuff a 13-20 year old girl would write, idiotic memes like those from Teen District (really?).

She wanted the intensity of the idealization phase, and reality isn't like that. So she left.

This, I am convinced what my ex considered true love, the honeymoon period. I recall asking her what she would do when the honeymoon period ended and the more mundane period of the relationship started, her reply "there will be nothing mundane when you are involved, it'll all be drama due to you" I was of course the drama queen (in her eyes!)

The idealization phase is true love in their eyes, I'm convinced, just as some other poor chap will be finding out currently!

It is the point. When they are silent toward us, they are in their true love phase... and we are keep asking what is going on. So sad.

Mine said in our last fight: "I love so immensely... .I don't know why it never lasts."

Because, of course, it is not love, it is pure idealization.  It's important to remember that all relationships begin with some degree of mirroring and idealization; they all begin with a honeymoon phase.  And that ALWAYS fades.  People in successful 50-year marriages don't idealize for 50 years.  When that phase fades, something new grows in it's place: trust, respect, mutual affection, companionship, durability.

PwBPD are looking for something to fill the emptiness.  This "immense love," i.e. idealization, succeeds in that regard.  But when it's gone, the emptiness is back, and there's no time to let anything grow.  They have to find something new to fill the emptiness all over again. 

Yes, I think you are both right.  My exBPDh was married twice before our marriage.  The first didn't last long before he got fed up and moved on to a replacement.  The second lasted longer because there were children involved but I think there were affairs on both sides.  As soon as he got bored he left me for a replacement.  I think maybe they are always seeking the thrill of a new love and cannot understand that 'love' is actually more than just excitement.  My ex always used to say he 'still got butterflies inside' when he saw me.  He seemed to be amazed at this after we had been together for 7 years.  Then he stopped saying it.  I guess that was when boredom (reality) started setting in.

Mine actually one time said that. That sometimes she missed the process of meeting someone new and all the excitement and stuff. I guess she is doing it now that she replaced me and my replacement with a third replacement. Lol.

A new toy always is more fun than the old ones. Until the kid gets bored... .

Towards the end my xwife said things regarding how her views and expectations on relationships that I thought (seriously) suggested mild retardation. It's like she kept it a secret for 20 years and then proudly proclaimed the most stupid things ever.