BPDFamily.com

So - many of us struggle to find our way back to "normal" in our marriage.

Now - assuming that "normal" is the prototypical scenario for the most part.

It seems that the BPD has a unique view of what is a perfect or normal day to day marriage.

Was curious what THAT looks like from the inside out.

They don't know what "perfect" is.  In their brain, there is no such thing.  They take the "grass is always greener" attitude.  they move the goal posts.

I go from being the "perfect" person for my fiancé to being the cause of all her problems.  And the switch can occur in a matter of minutes.  That alone tells me that she really doesn't know what she wants.

In therapy the other day, the T pointed out that she now has everything she claims she wanted.  A job in her field.  A stable relationship.  A stable place to live.  A partner who loves her.  Being engaged.  And T pointed out that despite this, she is still depressed and unhappy.  T used that as a push to tell her to go back on antidepressants and back to IC and work on herself. 

I think pwBPD will tell you all day long what they want and what they need, but won't be happy when or if they get that.  If they do get what they claim to need, they still feel empty (part of the illness) and then decide they need something else.  That's why pwBPD often go from job to job, partner to partner, and place to place.  I don't know how many times my fiancé has told me over the past year and a half that this or that will make her happy, only to get this or that, and then a month later decide she wants something else. 

My advice:  pwBPD don't know what they want, they are always searching.  So don't put much weight into it, and focus on your wants and needs rather than theirs.

Last night I asked and got a very nice check from my boss (as a one time bonus). I asked for a very high number and got a bit less than that, which totally surprised me - I was expecting half.

Her reaction?

"Why didn't he give you the whole amount?" "Too bad you didn't ask for more" "I don't want you to think that because you got the one time bonus you shouldn't work very hard and get a raise soon."

All of those came together, without thinking. She did start with "it's very nice, but... ."

Can you ever make them happy? Not if they don't choose to.

This is one of the depressing moments in life when you realize that you wife is really, really emotionally ill.

While every discussion with my BPDgf/exBPDgf (dunno if were together today or not) I once asked her during a reconciliation when she was semi talking about what she truley feels,  "what would make you happy?",  she couldn't answer just said "I really don't know".  I think that was the truth.

One that does not take their idea of perfect into account  :)

Seriously, seeking to satisfy their needs got us into the mess in the first place. 

But back to your question - most of their ideas about what is ideal are somewhat ok, sometimes good, sometimes even helpful. But in their entirety and how they will be applied to the various situations that happen particularly taking into account the consequences of the chosen actions (behavior sometimes disconnected from the ideas) are dysfunctional and lead to conflict. We probably could discuss and agree on any individual component of the pwBPD ideas (and as with all humans they are vastly different) but that won't lead us anywhere.

Ideal for the needs of the pwBPD in four words:

- validating environment

- stable framework

@joshbjoshb -

HA.  I've had the same conversation.  I could do something good at work, and when I tell her, her first comment is asking if I will get a raise.  I actually got a bonus a few months ago and did not tell her about it.  It I already needed it to pay an emergency bill, and I wanted to avoid the conversation that you mentioned above.  Sad that I felt that I could not tell her about it.  But that's the way it is - ANY mention of finances brings on dysregulation and exhaustion within me.

@an0ught -

I agree on a validating environment and stable framework.  That's not what they would tell us, though, unless they have been through tons of therapy and read books about their disorder.  A validating environment definitely helps, not just at home, but at work and out in the world.  Unfortunately, you only have some control over the home, the rest are beyond your control.  As for the stable framework - yep, it helps, but the tendency to "move the goal posts" means they may never see how stable their framework is.   Their emotions tend to make them determine the most stable of frameworks must be unstable.  In other words, she may feel our relationship is unstable because I am too stable.  She doesn't trust it.

And we can help here by

- not enabling the pwBPD destroying the environment

- validating environmental events resulting in less excitement, better understanding and better decisions and behavior.

We don't have control - but control is not much a sustainable solution in any case unless applied to ourselves.


That is where "stable" and "frame" come in. They are rigid and not movable by the pwBPD. This is primarily about us. Of course the pwBPD side is changing all the time but we can provide some sort of anchor so they won't drift too far.

Yes, there will be friction. This in fact is normal, human and some level of friction needs to be tolerated in a relationship which can be a learning process on both sides. With respect to trust - trust is often a question of respect of boundaries and time. Are her boundaries crossed once in a while? Remember she is very sensitive and has possibly an unclear sense (fuzzy thinking of needs and wants) of where her boundaries are.

from what I get that my uBPDh tells me a perfect marriage to him would be one where I do absolutely everything he wants, constantly show him love and affection, miss him every second he's away, always shower him with praise and give him credit for absolutely everything he ever does.  All while he does whatever he wants to do and is allowed to treat me anyway he wants to in the process.  And through that I shouldn't ever complain or feel any type of way about how he's acting.  I should just accept it, forgive it, still show him love and move on with life making sure he gets all the love he needs from me.