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We were invited to some friends today for a going away party, we went ate and had a few drinks. We had been there several hours and all seemed good, visiting and having a good time. BPDw said something about going to the bar, I didn't want to drink anymore and she was already slurring so I suggested we go home and watch the movie we had rented, which was the original plan. We left the party a short time later and she ask for a big mac and we drove through mcdonalds then home. When we pulled up to the house she starts talking about how she did very good at the party but she was bothered that I had "checked out" the host to much, she was upset that the host was in a bikini with a see through shirt, I acknowledged her feelings, agreed that I had looked at the host just as I had with everyone else at the party, we talked a little more about it then she said she was stopping because it had been an issue that she would not stop and she was stopping tonight. She said she would want to talk about it at another time. So we start the movie, she is on her phone, text/email/facebook then says she is falling asleep watching the movie and was going to bed. A few minutes later she comes out of the bedroom and says a girlfriend is at the bar and she wanted me to walk her there. She was acting strange and I ask if something was wrong and she said just tired and really didn't want to go, so I said then stay home and go to bed but she still wanted to go.  So she gets dressed and then ask if it would bother me, she was trying so hard to not start a fight but she didn't want to here about it in the morning. I said it didn't make me happy, I didn't understand that she was too tired to watch the movie and was going to bed but then going to the bar. So she said she just wouldn't go, headed for bed then gets upset and says she doesn't understand what I wanted from her... .

I don't get it

You're not crazy dude. Two things here sound familiar to me.

1. I must confess, when I was first married, I was pretty bad about checking out other women. I'd never stray from my marriage, I'd get divorced first, but I did enjoy checking out the ladies. Learned it from my dad. My wife got really angry about this a bunch of times and I've changed my ways, gotten older, more mature. This still comes up from time to time. The funny thing is, she's likely to spot these women before me, she's hyper vigilant. And there are times where she says things like don't look at that part of the restaurant--which seems a bit crazy.

2. That behavior reminds me of when my wife was drinking, she's sober now. Can your wife have just one glass of wine? If not, she may have a drinking problem. Mix that with BPD and you can end up with some seriously bad situations.

Thanks Inquisitive1

1. When I was younger I probably did more but that was many years ago, long before current relationship.  I admit I am aware of the people around me, I will notice the ladies and may view them as pretty or any other opinion for that matter but do not look at them anymore than I do of others male/female/child. I have very seldom ever had what many believe men think or like some men do think. I can see a women and think nothing more than she looks nice where I have been around men that make vulgar comments about the same women, and I am like REALLY. Her and I have talked about this but I doesn't seem like she believes it.

2. Most times if she starts drinking then she has a problem stopping on her own. If I say anything about the drinking it upsets her and doesn't understand that is why I don't want to get in conversations when she drinks or even want to be around her for fear it will go bad.

The night ended where I left off in the original post and she initiated the conversation about it this morning. For the most part it went well and she says that there is more she has to work on and I told her I need to work on the way I validate and word things.

Well the day after sounds pretty good.

I never was one to cat call or anything like that, but I would let a look linger. When I was younger the ladies sometimes checked me out too.

I think the fact it became a big issue for my wife reflected her deep insecurity. And, I'd bet its the same for your wife. So, when this comes up I try to say something about how I love her and will always be hers. She sort of ignores that, doesn't respond to it directly, but it seems to calm her down.

My wife did some real crazy shi... .stuff when she was drinking. It got to a point where she knew she had to quit and I gave her an ultimatum.