BPDFamily.com

Hi,

Would my BPD gf find my personal success with what I do for a living in any way an invalidation of her feelings?

I some times feel if she asks me what happened during the day and I tell her it invalidates her?

E.g. makes her feel as if she can't compete... .Do BPD try and mirror there partners on all levels... .I feel she forever puts me down to try and level the playing field. 

Does anyone have take on this?

How can I better handle letting her know what is going on or do I just not tell her to stop any possible invalidation?

info on me, I never gloat, Im down to earth and very loving towards her & am an artist with work in museums around the world.  My BPD on again off again GF is a secretary & I do very much love her

I think it is possible that your success and glamorous job (it sounds glamorous to me, at least!) could possibly make her feel inferior or even jealous, maybe. You say she's a Secretary; is she unhappy with that? Does she wish she had a more exciting job (like maybe you do?)? I can see that if she compares herself to you in that context, she could feel invalidated in some way by your success.

It's not fair to you, and you shouldn't have to tamp down your excitement or happiness in your career, but she can't help how she feels about this... .Do you ever give her any validation for her own abilities or capabilities when it comes to her own career? Do you have a positive attitude about her career? Is she somehow picking up on some sort of disappointment you may have regarding that? Or are you supportive of her career choice?

And then again, you wouldn't have to be in any way critical of her abilities and career for her to feel critical or inferior inside herself. She could feel invalidated regarding her job by seeing your success and comparing it to her own situation, without your being in any way critical of her... .If you continue to be supportive of her career choice and non-critical about it, that would be the best thing... .

Maybe, pwBPD have all sorts of perceptions. However they are their perceptions, dont let them become your realities or undermine your own sense of you. ie dont feel guilty about being you.

Just as long as you are not judgmental and are supportive of them and be the best you can for her, that is all you can be.

Thank you guys,

She has dreams of owning her own business & I have tried to support her in this in all ways possible.

Somehow I feel I have invalidated her though, she see me as a mad scientist / genius who is disorganised and she is a perfectionist to the extreme yet can't get her act together to follow her dream.

So I guess she see me as being lame and achieving... .

She is allowed her view on reality and you are allowed your view of reality. It mainly causes a problem if you start believing hers or trying to convince her of yours.

Bringing dreams to fruition is very difficult for someone with BPD as their twisted view of things always seems to sabotage their efforts. Frustrating to watch, but you must resist the temptation to jump in and prop it up, as it will only fail at the next hurdle.

Here is what happened to me in my own younger narcissistic days.

I had big dreams of writing screenplays and novels.

My dad told me my whole life that I would never make money writing.  It was very discouraging.

I would imagine these epic stories, but when it came to writing them down, I felt overwhelmed and defeated.

Perhaps this is a little of how she feels?

Offer her support and break it down into manageable steps for her.

As a warning, do not give her money to get her started.  Most likely if you do that you will never see a return and she will still blame you for her business failing or whatever.