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Does anyone have an idea to the reasons why BPD put NON's down so much?

I.e.

Didn’t clean the paint brush well

Doesn't clean the bathroom well

Puts to much tooth paste on the tooth brush

You talk to much your 5 mins will turn out to be 30mins

Oh and then when you do something really well they don't compliment?

When we fight, my husband will say I never let him talk that I always cut him off, even though he might have just went off on a 20 minute rant. If I say anything... .I talk too much. Nothing I do is right, everything is always his way or the wrong way.

I'm not sure... .I guess it has to do with how they feel about themselves, and they need to deflect it unto us.

Yes, Flora, I would say it's about their own low self-esteem. This is one of the most difficult aspects of BPD for me; I hate being nagged! But I will say that if you can truly resist JADEing, you're more likely to avoid a fight. Just last night my uBPDh and I were watching a show together, and I told him that I thought the show was a bit boring. He said we could watch something else instead, but then proceeded to ask me (10 times or so?) exactly WHY I didn't like the show. I told him that I just wasn't connecting with it. That wasn't the answer he wanted, since he likes the show, so then he went on to tell me that I have no taste and that I'm lazy because I won't explain my true feelings behind not liking the show. I said nothing and finally grabbed the remote, changed the channel myself, and it was done.

But it isn't always that easy, is it? I know exactly how you feel. My H fishes for compliments all of the time as well.

Control.  Also the lower your self esteem the less likely you are to leave them.

They think in absolutes. If the glass is not completely full (ie their needs not fully met), then it must be empty (you never meet their needs).

Why can I not get this darn idea in my skull? I KNOW this stuff, and I still from time to time lose my cool. GAH I think I'm getting more frustrated at myself at this point than I am at him.

So do I. Don't try to be perfect, you dont have to be.

Sometimes I even simply choose not to do "the right thing". Not sure why, maybe its because I need time off thinking about it, maybe its because it reminds me its a choice, not an obligation. Either way it reinforces to me that I am no longer afraid of any ensuing conflict.

Do your best, it is about making your life better, not stressing you trying to be perfect.

Nothing wrong with periodic frustrations, that's normal, its far better than resentment.

I understand this feeling, and perhaps that's it. Sometimes I just feel like... you know what? Screw your BPD I have feelings too! lol

Thanks ColdEthyl and waverider,

I was just wondering last night why I was doing stuff that I knew might not be okay in my BPDs world. I felt like I just needed a break. But how do you know when you're not walking on eggshells better? I suppose it comes down to resentment. If that's decreasing, boundaries and empathy must be getting better overall? Thanks!

My dBPDh puts me down by elevating himself.  He will talk about how much better he does something than me in a kind of ha-ha voice.  We have discussed this in therapy and for him, it is the narcissistic traits he has along with the BPD.  It is a way to make him feel superior by making me feel inferior.  He is working on this and recognizes that it is something that he has done.  I think what has gotten to him is seeing that our son does this to his sister.  it is much easier for him to see in someone else.

Mine does this too. he has to be the best at everything. The one that gets to me the most is if we play video games. I've deducted he hasn't been with a female whos know how to be an efficient gamer, so he was shell shocked for a bit; but he's noticed that some games I'm better at it than him.

If he plays a game before I have, when I start one he tells me step by step how to play, and if I don't do it exactly the way he did well then... .I'm doing it wrong. What I've done is just start gaming when he's doing something else, or asleep, etc. Instead of fighting the last time when he started in on it, I just suggested watching something and turned it off. Avoided the whole argument that way.


THIS. This is what I have hope for. My husband just reconnected with his son this year, and his son shows signs of BPD. What's been nice for us is he starts to see what he does through his son, and his son's wife and I are able to talk to each other about our struggles. She didn't know what was going on with him until I talked to her. The similarities are astounding. My husband himself thinks our new family/friends relationship with them is going to be good for him and his son, and I think he's right. It's going to be good for me too to have someone to talk to who understands what I am going through, and vice versa. The only problem right now is they only have one phone, so we can't really talk to each other unless we visit and the men go off together. Both guys know we talk, but talking about them in front them just isn't right, so we don't do that.

Coldethyl - Yes, one can hope that seeing the behavior in the kids will help.  My son doesn't show signs of BPD, just arrogance at times.  Both of my kiddos are in therapy.  My daughter has some symptoms of BPD.  The kids therapist is aware of my husband's BPD.  She talked to my daughter this week about feeling like something happened vs. when something really happens.  Weird that when I talked to my husband about it, he said he didn't understand that.       When I reminded him that it is the same thing he struggles with, emotion reality vs factual reality, he just went "Oh, yeah."  Just astounding sometimes that he can totally forget, when a few days before he mentioned something about his own struggles with this very same issue.  We are making progress, it just takes a lot of time, work and consistency.

It's going to be a rocky road. One of the things my husband struggles with is he knows he has BPD, but finding out and realizing, in HIS mind, that his brain is not "unique" is something he cannot swallow. I understand of course, he tries so hard (or at least to seem) to be smarter, faster and better than everyone that accepting you are not is just not in his wheelhouse.