BPDFamily.com

My uBPDw is truly trying to work on herself.  She has had lots of health problems that she has successfully treated with alternative methods, Holistic practices etc.  When it comes to dealing with the issues that we have had in our marriage (which I now understand have been BPD) she is diving deep into all kinds of modalities during our seperation including:

Crystal Bed Meditation

Akashic Readings

Psychic Readings

Multiple Hypnotherapists

Lots of Meditation (dozens of Itunes meditations)

Lots of reading books and Super Soul Sunday episodes

Life coaches

Chakra Alignment etc.

She has said that Psychotherapy doesn't go "deep enough"  that it is just superficial and doesn't address the real core issues.  My psychotherapist says the opposite, that all that other stuff is like going to the hairdresser and having things "done to you" instead of going inside yourself and doing the hard work yourself.

She is now seeing a counselor that has ACSW, LCSW, DCSW and that  I like but it has been hard to get her on board with it.  She would not go to couples therapy for a while, thinking I just needed to go see someone since everything wrong in our marriage is "5000% my fault", then once I made an appointment for me, she demanded that we go together (fearful I was going to shine the light on her behavior maybe).  Obviously she is wanting to work on herself and I never wanted to judge what was going to work or not, but I feel like I have spent thousands of dollars on some smoke and mirrors and hocus pocus stuff.

I'd love some insight into this phenomenon from you guys and wondering if this is common with pwBPD who refuse to recognize BPD. 

New Age or spiritual/mystic stuff has been around forever and isn’t really new.

Many people explore various meditative or relaxation or eastern philosophies and treatments to make life a bit more understandable and to find coping skills or to self sooth.  These modalities appeal to a wide range of people and many find them helpful, sounds like your partner has had some success with them.

DBT is actually a mix of western cognitive behavioral therapy mixed in with eastern buddhist philosophy.  It doesn’t go deep. It focuses on managing day to day life and staying alive.

Here are some even more common methods the average person uses to make life more comfortable or manageable.

Heroin

Marijuana

Alcohol

Sex

Methamphetamine

Shopping

TV

Internet

Pornography

Overall, I’d say her choice of exploration and search for answers or coping skills is no stranger than many others that are commonly engaged in, and probably a lot more benign or healthier.

People go deep when and if they are ready. Period.

Everyone is on their own path, on their own time.  I think one of the biggest traps we all get into is to be constantly looking at someone else’s path instead of our own.

TRUE THAT.  A good reminder to me MaybeSo |iiii   I guess it comes down to not being able to afford everything that we were spending money on and being frustrated about some of her spending decisions and also not wanting to judge the efficacy of the modalities. 

Even in my own path, I am trying to understand BPD in order to understand what has happened to me.  I know my issues that I can control and work on are co-dependence, assertion, proactivity, and rebuilding my self-worth.  I also have control to not have BPD in my life, so studying it and understanding it part of my own path.




Well said and also very true.

Hi Heartandsole (and MaybeSo).

I kind of agree with what MaybeSo said, and kind of not. I am choosing to live with uBPDw right now, as we have small children, and I am working out what we can do to reduce the conflict in our house and make our lives better. While I am learning how to not make things worse, and getting to a point of acceptance that I have no control over the choices that my wife makes in her decision to work with her own suffering, I think that there are some healing modalities that actually can make things worse. And if, like Heartandsole, I am providing the money to support these activities, then I actually have a valid interest in their outcome. I will admit to feeling a little triggered here, so I am going to do my best not to vent.

My wife and I are buddhist. As MaybeSo mentioned, mindfulness meditation is a component of DBT. My wife has embraced many aspects of Buddhism, but struggles with the foundation practice of sitting meditation and is frightened by contemplations on emptiness. Understanding BPD to the small degree I have learned, I get why this is so.

There is a danger in any practice of developing spiritual materialism, i.e. reinforcing the ego, reinforcing selfishness, destructiveness, etc., but some modalities seem to encourage it. And some leaders/coaches/teachers seem to encourage it. Heartandsole, if your uBPDw is using the information she is getting from her work to JADE destructive/harmful behavior, I think you should be concerned. Could she use other self-soothing/coping skills to her and your detriment? Yes. Are the modalities that she is choosing inherently more benign? Only evidence of her behavior can tell you that.

My wife has been constantly searching for a fix to her discomfort within herself since I have known her. I used to encourage her to follow whatever made her feel better. But the reality is, none of it ever made her feel better. It is her choice how deep she will go, but I think that the odds improve when you are working with a healer that at least understands what your illness is and where the roots of the illness are.

In my experience both my exs did these sort of things. The way I see it is that they realise somethings wrong but cant admit what it really is. These therapies are a distraction. They are a way for them to try and do something but not have to face the truth. As has been said rather these than the alternatives.

For a long time she didn't think she even had a problem, or that all her problems originated from me. Now she knows she has issues to contend with and I agree that some of these modalities allow for her to feel like she is being proactive without really facing the truth.  On the other hand, maybe some of what she has been doing has some overlap with DBT... .I don't know much about DBT because I haven't researched it, because it is not my path, it would not be for me as a non. 

Somehow my uBPDw has said she has come to the realization that her anger was misdirected at me, that it was from a childhood source, and that she has not known how to accept love, and was fearful of rejection and was mis-directing anger towards me.  She has apologized for saying hurtful things and said she had no idea that words could hurt me that badly. 

All these things are good things that have come from the work she has done whether or not it is through DBT or within the context of treating BPD.

Like Enlightenme, this stuff is not inexpensive and when I'm paying for it, and money is running out each month, it is tempting to start to judge the effectiveness.  She is high maintainance on the physical health side and mental health side, and if you don't have health you have nothing, so that stuff is top priority for me... .but WOW it sure adds up!

I thought it was telling when my Psychotherapist mentioned that many of these things like Reiki or palm reading or star charts are her attempt to seek solutions without actually doing anything.  I also think it helps her feel better about herself that she is "actively working on herself" and that empowers her to point the finger at me because "I am doing nothing"

MaybeSo has given very wise advise:


Nobody wants to admit to having the stigma of a very serious mental illness - sometimes it takes baby steps and learning tools that "don't make things worse".  Your wife is trying, now is time to do your part - proper communication tools, boundaries and maintaining your own self and emotions.


DBT is an excellent tool for everyone - it is like emotional kindergarten.  It teaches emotional regulation and from what I know about all the boards, even NONS can use tools in regulating emotions.

The High Conflict Couple - is a great resource and actively uses DBT skills for both parties to help these types of marriages/partnerships.

Peace,

SB

Considering all three of the pwBPD that I have known in my life have sought relief through less than mainstream therapies, I think this is a good topic.  My take on this is to put myself into their shoes.  If I had chronic feelings of emptiness and sadness, had tried going to doctors or taking medicines and nothing had really changed, I'd be willing to try alternatives as well.  Also bear in mind that these feelings are not something you can see such as a broken bone, so it's harder to compare the results of DBT vs fortune telling.  I know in my fiancé's case, she's gone through years of counseling and not much has changed.  So why not try acupuncture to see if it works?  Now add in that pwBPD seem to be distrustful of others and rebellious by nature, so it's pretty easy to see why many may turn to alternative medicine. 

And one more thing to consider - pwBPD tent to be constantly searching for things to make them feel better.  They tend to have had many dating partners, jobs, moved often, change their wardrobes and styles all in attempt to find something that makes them feel better.  And - it probably does make them feel better for a little while - the newness of something is an escape from he deeper problem.  So these alternative medicines probably do help significantly in the short term. 

To reinforce what SB said about DBT,

It’s very commonly used for much more than its original intent to treat BPD.

It’s used for PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, OCD…just to name a few.

If you do any kind of eastern practice or study you are already likely being exposed to many of the same components of DBT: Wise Mind, Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance, and Dialectical thinking which is the anecdote to black/white thinking--- the ability to hold two apparently opposite or conflicting thoughts or beliefs at the same time as both being true.  Something many NONs struggle with A LOT.  

None of these concepts were created just for pwBPD. They have been around a long time, ancient cultures have used these concepts and similar frames long before Freud ever came on the scene in Europe.

Native cultures have integrated and contained mental illness in their communities through the lens of shamanism, medicine men/women or healers for years while we in western culture were locking up mentally ill people in filthy asylums in our big cities.

We in western medicine and western culture are just now getting around to applying some of these very elegant,  sophisticated frames... .we are the ones who are in many ways just catching-up.