BPDFamily.com

I have been going through our relationship recently, a lot, due some posts here. I'd like to share my thoughts and emotions, but I would also love to read random experiences and thoughts from other people here. Maybe you've felt similar, or maybe something else has been going on.


Thing is, ForeverHopefull telling about her husband's death, how this disorder won and InSearchofMe telling about his SO's death hit me hard. Of course what i'm going through is not even the same planet for what the aforementioned are going through.

Why those news shook me so badly? Okey, i'm very emphatic by nature, so nothing odd there really. Maybe also because i live under the shadow of suicide all the time? (perhaps the fact I had had to euthanize our dog less than 24hrs before reading xxx's message had left me pretty shaken, too).

Just a little before reading the forum my SO was talking to me about what they had been discussing with his psychologist, mentioning that no matter how much he tries he doesn't feel very (like truly) close to me. And that the psychologist thinks it will take years until he is able to make deep and lasting attachment to anyone (due his background). I told him I understand, and accept the fact his feelings are or might be different from mine. Etc. It's something we've even talked before, me reassuring him that there is no wrong or right way to love - he loves me as he is able to, and if he doesn't, i will rather accept that than live in a lie. In truth, inside my heart was crying. Much because I had felt and (thought i had) sensed that i'm close to him, very close and it finally was possible.


Anyways. All those things hit me hard and I had difficult time in collecting myself. Loosing the dog was luckily an okey excuse to appear off and sad - my SO notices easily if i'm not ok and might worry he has done something. Couple of days went on with me feeling not really good. He was elsewhere one eve & night, and self-injured himself semi-badly (=no stitches needed, but there's a lot of scars and wounds). I naturally I wonder if it was the impact of me being down (and perhaps being without me, although he'd never admit it has anything to do with him scarring himself). If I suggest soemthing like that, i get a true BPD answer "don't think this is at all about you, not everything is about you". (and true, his emotional scars are old and deep and truly have nohthing to do with me).


So. I fear loosing him. I fear one day he cannot deal battle the dark shadows and will take his own life. I fear for own sanity if that should happen, I fear for my kids sake too (how they are going to deal with loosing, or their mom loosing it). I sometimes wonder if it would be better to remove him from our lives, to somehow avoid dealing with suicide, as weird as it might sound. Also realizing that the likelihood of him batteling his shadows successfully after being shut out of our lives would be… even smaller than now. Tiny. 

But… I love him and I like living with him. Despite his challenges and difficulties he is peaceful and loving (well, at least appears to be, even if it is something else), has a calming effect on me (i'm the stressed-out adhd of the house :)) and is also fun to be around. Okey, not when his shadows are strong, but that's not all the time. I feel at ease when we're together, and he says he feels the same.

And he is working really hard to change. He has a good psychologist (is in too bad shape for actual therapy)  and attends the sittings dutifully even though each sitting takes a toll on him. The psychologist hooray for him living with me and the kids - our life here is quite structured, plenty of routines and lots of stuff to do inside and outside the house, keeping him busy in a non-demanding way.

I feel i'm also quite alone in this. His family doesn't understand how deeply wounded he is. They pour their own problems to him, they complain him not getting a job nor finishing his education (he's far too sick to work or study and needs to concentrate his remaining strength to stay alive and to get better, doctor's orders). His family doesn't quite like me, they think somehow i'm responsible for him not working and being ill; as he has started all procederus dealing with mental health only after getting to know me they think my company somehow must've made him sick... .They have suggested him moving out here (to where?). Some of my friends keep telling me I have no future with this guy, that he's too wounded, too much of a drop-out and that i shouldn't waste my time on such a person.

... .I don't think i'm with him to earn some sorts of shiny award on angelic behaviour (iugh the very thougth of loving someone to get somehow awarded, sick)... .but i suppose i'd love to hear at least once in a while that what i'm doing is good and appriciated. Perhaps his relative's ignorance and naivete when it comes to how seriously damaged he has been from quite yearly and outright blaming it on me nags me more than i'd like to admit?

(and it got again longer than i plannes. oops.)