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Title: Compromising Post by: Bear60 on August 21, 2014, 09:55:06 PM She tells me tonight that she talked to her counselor about compromises and that I am set in my ways and wont compromise. What brought this up is she asked if I was coming to bed, I said in a little bit I was working on the budget and had couple other things to do. I normally go to be about 11pm, she says she is staying up later than she normally did and thinks I should compromise by going to bed earlier and I told her I would occasionally. I get the impression she wants this every night and is upset, says I never compromise and I asked what other than this is she talking about, she wont give an answer and says that this is just an example?
I am wondering that now I have set and holding to my boundaries she feels she is losing control and this is a new form of trying to control? Or am I uncompromising and controlling? Title: Re: Compromising Post by: enlighten me on August 21, 2014, 10:14:06 PM The way I have seen this is that they feel abandoned because you are not wanting to spend time with them. I had the same problem with both my exs as I only have a 6 hour sleep pattern where both my exs need at least 8 or 9. I would go to bed with them and then find myself awake in the early hours. I would then get the opposite of why cant you stay in bed. I like to wake up with you there.
Title: Re: Compromising Post by: Bear60 on August 22, 2014, 06:51:57 AM I do see that, I also think it is because she knows I am on this site and she doesn't want me here. She likes to go read before going to sleep and has asked me to just come lay with her while she reads and gets upset because I don't want to do that all the time and when I have I fall asleep and she gets upset about that.
Title: Re: Compromising Post by: takingandsending on August 22, 2014, 09:58:32 AM Hi Bear60,
You and I are definitely experiencing similar thinking from our spouses right now. This one is a common complaint from my wife, but something I read online from a pwBPD helped reframe this for me. Because a BPD has such unclear definition of self, they rely on their outer world to define themselves and gain some little purchase of security in their world. Your spouse may be seeking a consistent boundary, like we are in bed by eleven together. The moment the boundary moves, the reflection in her world is I don't know how to be; I'm frightened. The way this comes into your world is: why aren't you in bed; you don't care about how I feel. I am just realizing that if I think of my wife's panic and upset in this way, it might help me not to JADE and just really feel some empathy for her. Still, it is absolutely okay to stay up late from time to time. |